almost 40 years addicted

Hi K2

Well done on 115 days gamble free, the longer we obstain from any activity the less addictive it becomes, that is official from British Medical Journal. I am sure you will keep your guard up and won’t get complacent during the silly season.

Keep going and moving forward.

Shaun

ALN wrote: Great to see the days mounting up. 115days for you, 127days for me. Funny how life begins to get easier after a while isn't it? Good point with complacency, and for me a good reason not to watch sport over the Christmas period. All the best. ALN.

Thanks ALN

Great to see you are still clean as well.

Xmas before and after in the past was always a heavy betting spell for me - particularly racing. I do anything I can to avoid seeing it or hearing about it.

Stay strong and have a good Xmas

20 Days

Hey K2 🙂 Just joined the site again and I'm on day 2. Enjoyed reading through your diary. Horse racing has been my main passion although I've done it all for 20 yrs. I still wish now a wasn't a CG and I could put on a acc on Saturday or the big meetings and just leave it at that but I know I never can. Like you said when you hit that big acc, you only continue to try and win more and if you lose, you end up chasing.

I really feel the lightbulb has finally switched on with me. I've lost a small fortune and had my head my head up my a**e in dreamland for so long waiting on that big win as we all hope for, but all I'm doing is throwing all my hard earned money away... well no more 🙂

Really wish you all the best mate, have a great Christmas and look forward to the new year being gamble free.

We have to let go of the past, it's gone, we can't change it but we can choose what we do now. And our lives will only get better without gambling in it. Take care pal

Hi Terence, hope you are still clean. Neglected my diary a bit recently but all good.

131 days, nicely though Xmas and avoided the plethora of racing by walking and going away for a few days.

Had a call on my mobile from someone in Geneva trying to get me to trade currencies. Had to laugh really, no idea where they got my number but I’ve had all sorts of online bookies, spread and exchange accounts over the years.

Stay strong everyone and avoid complacency,

136 days and to bed.

Wake up tomorrow and repeat the mantra “Just for today, I will not gamble”

Hi K2

Hope you're well.

Do you think it's possible to feel 'too well' in your recovery and then complacency sets in, what I mean is that do you think it may be prudent for me to carry around a 'small' amount of my gambling pain each day and be mindful of what I did and where it got me at all times... Almost as a continuing safeguard? Is that healthy or unhealthy?

I don't want gambling to blindside me and just trying to stay one step ahead. I just want to stay off a bet and get better, which I am doing... Occasionally I think about the past. It hurts. I'm not sure if the act of doing this is self-harm or self-preservation.

Interested to know your thoughts.

Hi Signalman,

I think someone further down the recovery route would be better placed than me to give you an answer.

Personally I think you have just got to have a bit of balance. You have to carry some of the past with you as it’s a guard against complacency, and a reminder to work on your recovery. At the same time you I have to live your life in the present and hopefully become a better person, and ultimately you have to forgive yourself. I’m some way off that stage.

Equally, I’m not going to kill myself psying down debt. Without frittering money away, I’m going to try and live a normal life even if it means the debt may take 5-6 years rather than 3-4.

Don’t know if that answers your question or not really!

Hi

Thanks for taking time to respond... Yeah I like the balance thing - it doesn't have to be one way or the other does it...

Sorry to hear that you're a way off forgiving yourself - I hope you can come to terms with the past as you move further and further away from it.

And thanks for the reminder not to focus too much on debt - this is often where I sometimes let my guard down and start to think about gambling as a quick fix - luckily nowadays they are just fleeting thoughts but like you say if I came to accept the debt I am in I probably wouldn't think too much about paying it back quickly and just let the GF free days work the rest out for me.

Thanks.

151 days.

Just for today

Just over a year since I set up an account on here.

Wanted to link this just to remind me of my old account - took me a while to find it.

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/over-50-and-gambling-35-years

Had a couple of lapses last year & re-registered (partly as site issues meant a lot of people couldn't login). Lapses weren't catastrophically bad - probably just set me back 6-9 months. My last day gambling is etched into my brain. Lost just over £1k in a couple of hours. A nice bank holiday monday, and I'm sitting in a bookies that stunk of urine doing my brains with no-one in the shop most of the time bar the 2 cashiers. Must be bad when even the FOBT merchants (yes I did them as well, just not to the same extent as the horses) have better things to do !

Thanks to everyone who has posted on either thread in last 12 months. It is always sad to see people who kindly posted but haven't been on the site for a good while. I hope they are in a good place.

I look after the 2019 Challenge

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/2019-challenge?page=3

Anyone is welcome to "check in" on that thread. New and old.

It's not a competition, just somewhere we record our abstinence weekly, celebrate the odd milestone, remember that we aren't alone, and in a spirit of unity and strength, recognise our process of recovery. Doesn't matter how many or few days you have done. I have sort of stopped counting my days, but never lose sight of the fact that I have to do it one day at a time.

Anyway, my last bet was August 27th 2018

I wake up each morning and as the alarm goes off, say to myself "just for today I will not gamble".

Just wanted to say thanks a lot for the message on my diary. It meant a lot.

People like yourself, Al and ALN particularly have offered me a wealth of inspiration since I've used this site, and by that I don't mean unconditional support and messages of hope... Whilst they are great at certain times I personally get more from the brutal honesty and the candid/frank understanding of addiction that some people have on here. I think I've posted elsewhere on gamcare that whilst it is unfortunate what you have to go through to develop this candid and frank understanding of addiction - I personally do feel privileged that you share what you have been through and subsequently know with people around you on here... We are most privileged and I am most grateful.

I can't place another bet again... I will finish my family off for sure if I do. It's good to hear from people like yourself what I'm doing right, but also where I could be doing more or when I may be slipping or complacency starts to creep in.

K2 wrote:

Wanted to link this just to remind me of my old account - took me a while to find it.

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/over-50-and-gambling-35-years

Just been reading some of this. Thanks for sharing. A STARK reminder how hard it is to pick yourself up and start a recovery after finally coming to terms with its devastating impact.

I don't think I have the energy to start again after reading some of this so has reinforced for me to stay well away from another bet!! Thanks K2

My name's Ken and I'm a compulsive gambler.

My last bet was August 27th 2018

It's the first thing I say to myself each & every day.

God it feels tough at the moment.

Sometimes just driving home from work and just get that feeling that I’d love to stop at a bookies and have a bet. Love is the wrong word obviously, but maybe you know what I mean.

Can’t  think of anything that has triggered this. Things fine at home and at work.

slow, slow progress on the debt front. Chipping away, and trying to live a normal life but it’s going to take another 4 years, by which time I’ll be 56.

Can’t stop thinking what a waste of my life. 

I’ve neglected recently to update my diary and maybe that’s part of it. I’ve not commented on others diaries much either and I miss those who took the first steps around about the same time as me.

my last bet was 27th August 2018