Angel From Montgomery

Functional dysfunction? Is there such a thing? I remember a woman I knew back in the early 1990s. She was at the very least a problem drinker. I think we both knew she was an alcoholic. She was given to horrific dark moods. She could be verbally abusive paranoid and just plain mean. I remember asking her if she ever considered going into recovery. She had a traumatic past that included molestation by both her father and paternal grandfather at the age of 5 - early teens. I remember the pained look on her face and her saying to me that alcohol helped her to function. That alcohol kept her sane.. she seemed oblivious to how mean and abusive alcohol abuse made her. Somehow in her mind it was working for her. I don't know what made me think about this. Maybe I was searching for a juicy rationalization for why I NEED a gamble today. I'm feeling beaten up and frustrated by an HVAC company. I'm feeling invalidated and patronized and dismissed. I can feel the rage bubbling up from the pit of my being. I want peace. I want serenity and I think it resides inside of a slot machine. Just like that woman I knew. I want to tell mySelf that gambling keeps me sane. Functional. That is simply untrue. A flaw in my thinking that has to change. Is clearly beginning to change because here I sit dumping my crazy irrational thoughts onto this diary page for all to see. The solution can be a problem in and of itself. All gambling addiction has ever done for me was to create a new problem on top of the original problem. I told my partner how I was feeling. She is feeling the same way. We agreed that we have to find healthier ways to work through our difficult feelings. For now simply naming them and writing it all down seems to be bringing me some relief. No more tightening throughout my upper abdomen and chest. Breathing is now easier and I think I just might be ready to receive some peace. Peace and serenity is all around me. I have to be open to receive it.

Today is a check in. It's been over 10 weeks without a weekend trip to the casino. Sure I feel good about that but... coping without gambling has been an uphill climb. Life is definitely less stressful when we have the money to pay for things that we need. It is clear that gambling made that part of our lives so much worse. Working through anxiety and stress and coping is what it is about for me. I thought gambling brought relief and that turned out to be untrue. Relief from physical, emotional and spiritual pain is temporary at best. Gambling was just a distraction. A very expensive distraction. A person is called to live their truth whatever that truth might be. Walking through life in a semi dream state isn't living. Life without gambling isn't automatic sunshine lollipops and rainbows. On the contrary. But, I'm alive. I'm awake. I'm no longer bullshirting myself and everyone around me. Compulsive behaviors are distractions and in some cases can lead to full blown addiction. Addiction is the opposite of living. In addiction I am not alive. I'm a zombie. Ask yourself how effective a zombie would be as a parent, a partner, a family member, a friend or employee. Not very.

In addition I'm thinking at their very best an addict is ineffective. At their worst a soulless energy sucking zombie. I don't want to be an addict. None of us do.

Have a great gamble free day Judy 🙂

Cathyx

If I had a dollar for every time I said to myself, I feel like a peice of sheet for what I've done, my credit owed would be paid in full.

After the compulsive gambling stops the inventory begins. Boiling it all down takes sooo much time. At least it did for me. Shortcomings. Failings. Behaviors. Whatever you want to call it is only part of the way. Now, turning over the slimy rocks I find twisted fundamental beliefs about myself. That I am worthless. That inam a price of sheet.. very interesting. That is the very thing I tell myself over and over and over. I don't know how to love myself. I'm not sure I ever did. I don't believe it's too late. But, how does one overcome self loathing? Another road. Ha ha I'm becoming quite the "connoisseur of roads".

Restful sleep is coming easier. Knowing and owning the truth about myself is painful at times but I feel less weighted down by it all. It was harder running away. It was harder "stuffing" away the emotions. It was harder to hide.I never realized how numbing myself from the pain kept me from feeling joy and peace. Numb is numb I guess. When I feel difficult emotions or I get anxious about the unknown I stuff my feelings. I actually stuff by over eating. Other times I simply freeze. Now I'm learning that there was a time when I felt completely out of control. There was no way out. That is not the case now. There will always be things that happen that I have no control over but I'm an adult and have choices. Worrying about what hasn't even happened yet is a choice. Worry and anxiety is painful. I would rather not feel it at all. But, I can't pick and choose when it comes to feelings and emotions. When I'm numbing myself I might still try to let the light and love in but, I can't feel it. I am relearning how to take in the good and not so good. Reclaiming my power. Knowing that there is relief in letting go.

I learned over the years that in order change a person has to eventually get to the bottom of why they did what they did or do what they do because nobody in their right mind gambles compulsively.

Saturday we are taking our niece to knitting class. I'm going to learn how to knit. 😀

Was just thinking how much at times I dread going in to work. How anxious I get. I realize now that the anxiety and dread comes from me not trusting mysel. Not believing that I really am good at what I do. That I am a fraud. So every time I have to go in I think I have to prove myself worthy. To who??? It turns out, to me. Not the pony tailed tyrant. Not the trainee with an angry resting face. Me. Recovery for me is recovering my lost self. I lost myself and my way loooong before I ever discovered gambling. Before gambling there was drinking Jack Daniels whiskey. Before whiskey there was food. There were voices from my past that told me I was a nothing. I must have believed that. I'm grown now and those voices along with their owners are nothing more than ghosts. Shadows. I'm good to my little niece because I CAN be. I'm good at what I do. I don't have to prove anything to anybody. When I smile at people in the hallway it's no longer a disingenuous grin. It's the real deal. My heart coming through. Before I can be honest with others I have to come clean to myself.

Why is it that when something really good happens my thoughts default to gambling? w*f? Cunning. Baffling. No s**t!

Thoughts come and thoughts go. Thoughts are just thoughts after all. It's freezing outside and it's toasty inside. Christmas lights are up and it's time to decorate the tree. I'm kicked back on the couch sipping coffee. Slowly recovering my sanity and self esteem. Why the hell would I gamble on slots? Life is life and there are bound to be challenges. Addiction makes me weak and sick. I need to be strong and healthy in order to meet new challenges head on. I can!

I was just thinking that when I quit drinking there weren't any triangles to break. There were bars and booze everywhere. When the holidays rolled around there were drunks ( family and friends) everywhere too. I can't abstain from eating. Gambling on slots for me was just another form of addiction. So truth be told I may have stopped drinking and I might have stay stopped but I just found other things to "use". Recovery has been a life long process. slowly I am emerging from my shell. Slowly facing my fears. It's never too late. Every day is an opportunity to change. I hate when people beat themselves up for slipping. I remember those times. Addiction feeds on that s**t. I felt like garbage for most of my life. I didn't need to pile more on top. It doesn't help. Anyway. My diary. My thoughts.

82

Slowly emerging from a s**t mood. When I'm not working I'm home sitting essentially waiting for something BAD to happen. It's exhausting. I totally know why I gambled! This constant worrying is hell. I never considered how gambling addiction added to that worry. When I start focusing on day counts I know I'm in trouble. One day at a GD time! Serenity now!!!! I grew up in a mine field. I'm twitchy. I'm waiting for "it". With every minute life is passing without me. Faaaaaack

It was at this time of year five years ago that my brother Ed lost his fight with addiction. I cannot point to a particular day because we don't really know when he died. His body was found on the floor of his apartment. Paramedics and hazmat team believed that he had been dead for at least 2 weeks. I will always hate that he died that way. I know I can never change it. What I can do is fight addiction for the both of us. I'm still standing Ed. I will always love you and miss you dear brother.