Angel From Montgomery

Tried to make excuses for not going into work. I pushed through and earned some money. I tried to talk myself out of seeing my darling little niece on the eve of her 10th birthday. I pushed myself and my heart overflowed with love and light. We have one pair of pants. We decide if they will be happy pants or misery pants. Today I remind myself to slip into my happy pants and move forward. I cannot always anticipate or control what happens but I have complete control over how I think and behave.

Regaining control Joan and your doing it admirably. Understanding and accepting what’s controllable or not is so very hard but achievable and by keep pushing and also sometimes knowing when to practice apposites as with your work and niece just shows something is happening in that grey matter of yours.

A little of tangent here but I heard this months a go and not only is so very true but a usefool tool -

‘ I don’t have to accept anyone that doesn’t accept me ‘

Your enough and very worth it Joan and wishing you well and hoping you’ve broken the back of the bad weather

Howdy (((Joan)))...Don’t ask me where that came from!

Hahaha, who knows Kelly, but, I will take it and thank you as it was much needed. I came home from work yesterday and cried like a baby. A lot of changes at work and of course pony tailed boss lady and I got into a bit of a tangle. Here's the kicker though. The more rounds in the ring with her the more I realize she and I are alike. 😮 imagine that. Me and the pony tail tyrant are twins! Dear god, anyone who thinks that the road to recovery is peaches and cottage cheese is well... Anyway, we managed to find some common ground before each leaving for home and parted ways in peace. I still cried out is shear frustration. I WANT MY WAY AND I WANT IT NOW!.... Dear ( volcano) Paul if you are reading this I will probably wind up putting my foot in my mouth, but I couldn't imagine starting up a new relationship in the midst of all this so called personal growth. I want nothing more for you than to be happy but I think your instincts are telling you something. A compromise might be to keep things cool. Not to sound corny but, work on being good friends before taking the plunge into deeper waters.. so that was my two cents. You know I'm rooting for you buddy! If I were still a drinker I would raise my glass. The only thing I drink now besides water is iced tea or coffee.. Let's see outside of my meltdown yesterday I'm still afloat. Getting ready for another day. Starting to actually look forward to the next S***e show. Bring it on and all that. Hang in there GC, it's better when you walk it sober.

Howdy..... I can feel a Kelly moment coming on and I’m trying my damndest to stop it, hai ho here I go (((Joan)))

Have been reading some good harmony coming from across the pond and enjoying seeing you becoming more acceptable of the good and the bad. It’s ludicrous really us addicts that we take the bad and don’t accept the good but it is good that your accepting both.

I hope you and Patrice are enjoying your reward, ie the weekend

ps- beware of Evian water it’s a anagram of naive, a little random to finish

Isn’t it just the weirdest feeling when you realise that you’re looking in the mirror & not @ your nemesis :-0 Dan warned me ages ago that the stuff that riled me up the most in other people lives within me...As usual, my ego whipped out the Dan swat & thrashed it about wildly but I’m coming round to the idea (yes Dan, you told me so) now that my work wife & I are also twins (OMFG) :-0 Funny, I never saw you with a pony tail...Wait, you’re not my work wife are you :-0

Kelly, lol, I have this image of you and a fly swatter hahaha.. And yes, my wild grey hair is often pulled back in a ponytail.. 😀

I'm sooo tired today. Physically and mentally spent. And of course the urges descend like vultures. So I popped over to my diary instead. I'm not going to gamble. What would be the point? I feel like everything I'm feeling is all bottled up. I don't want to talk about it. I want to gamble about it instead. I just want to be numb. Maybe a cold ginger ale. Maybe I just sit for awhile and breathe. I'm ok. We're all ok.

P.s. Howdy Paul!

Yes Diary,

Was just mentioning to Paul this romancing the punt thing. When we get so far along in recovery we get a little bored maybe with the steady boom da boom da boom. The gambling thoughts come rolling in. What I know about thoughts is that they can't hurt me. I'm the only one that can turn those harmless clouds into a raging shitestorm. Shitebricks flying sideways. If it's not wanting to go shopping :-/ then it's go shopping with Patrice I will do. Boom da boom da boom ditty boom. See what happened there? Just a little ditty but, I will take it.

So, the little ditty in my otherwise boom da boom da boom afternoon was a few extra items in the grocery shopping cart. A smile on my pally's face. The universe is abundant. And, I just might pick up where I left off. Am thinking about making art again. Hmmmm

Feeling stronger every day. Need to work on my aging body that I have really beaten to S***e over the years. It feels so good to be able to focus on the things that need to be tended around here instead of waking up "dope sick". I say dope sick because my gambling habit was much like the strung out J****E who no longer scored dope to get high but to just feel "ok". I stopped gambling for fun years ago. Anyway, I don't even want to go "there". I want to focus on moving forward. I am remembering what it was like to enjoy the simpler things. Everyday life isn't a thrill ride. Today I'm ok with that. Life is good.

Abstinence manages the gambling but, addiction is always going to be with me much like a chronic disease. I can choose not to gamble but, I did not choose to be an addict. Managing addiction means managing my triggers:

All or nothing thinking

Anger and resentment

Worry and the fear and dread that goes with it

Idleness

Feelings of loss

Feelings of regret

Feelings or worthlessness

Feelings of self doubt

There are probably more. I can't necessarily avoid triggers. In many cases I had to learn how to stand up to them. Abstinence is scratching the surface. However without it recovery is impossible.

Hi Judy, great post and I can relate to some of those triggers you've listed.

All the best for the week ahead.

Wilsy

Thank you Wilsy, you are very kind to take time out to post on my diary.

I just now realized that I must be trying to "stuff" back some feelings of sadness. The good news is I think I have actually identified a feeling. Most of the time I'm at a loss. Instead of feeling the feeling i shut off and I get all cold and analytical. I leave my skin and become the observer in a white lab coat instead of the person just having her feelings. Today I will do my best to just stay inside of my d**n skin. I will let myself be. When I feel like someone is watching me -- I now am aware that someone is ME! Icy, hard and analytical.

https://youtu.be/7YvAYIJSSZY

Hahahaha thanks Paul that definitely raised a smile!

To add to my earlier list is OCD and perfectionist tendencies. The control factor. At the bottom of it is probably a very old feeling of helplessness that I think I can avoid or manage by trying to put and keep everything in its place.