Angel From Montgomery

And that my dear friend is what you call progress!

WTG 🙂

Dearest Joan
That is our life in a nutshell.
Great share my dear friend, for me its learning to accept that the way I think and act is definitely different, I know today that I ran from the person inside.
And the truth is I didn't need to, I accept what I have to live with, I can choose to Extract myself from situations and scenarios that polarize the things that trigger my inner self to revert to the character behaviour that results in self harm and destructive behaviour.
So we are different, that doesn't make us bad folk does it??
Keep gifting yourself my friend.
As it's been said before, to truly recover you have to be prepared to give your recovery away.
Today you did that in shovels.
Thankyou.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks all. I appreciate the support and encouragement. It's so true that none of us can get through this on our own.

Spent the last few days of my "off week" in front of the tube watching old movies. Did a lot of crying which was fine. I needed the release. Don't want to get mired down though. Minute by minute. Step by step.

Apologies if not welcome...but ((((((J&P ))))))))

Keep up good work!

Hi Judy, the movies sounded a good idea and the release, hoping each minute and day get easier for you, keep up your spirits you are so not alone and we all understand.

Take care

Wilsy

Thanks all..

I've taken the week off! I figured after working through the late spring, all summer, fall, and most of the winter I deserve a "paid" break. The good ship is in ship shape and we are steaming forward. Lots of ups and downs cause that's life. I don't miss the action. The highs and lows. There's nothing s**y or exciting about cleaning the sink or giving the dog a bath. True, but it needs doing and it's clean and honest. Speaking of which I came out to two of our closest friends the other day. She announced that for her 40th and my 60th we should go to Vegas. That's when I outed myself as a recovering gambling addict. Nobody screamed or ran away and I didn't burst into flames. If I'm through really through with gambling then I'm through with secrets and the shame they bring along with them. My life isn't a thrill ride and that's ok. I will take every minute of it and will relish in it.

Joan
With strength and honour my friend.
I read that post and a huge smile appeared from within.
You my dear friend are walking the walk!!!!
I had a vision of you knocking addiction to the canvas and your Ed willing it back up so you can continue to whoop it!
Never forget I will forever more happily be your corner man!!
I have a bucket with me,no sponge and water required, I snuck a horseshoe in there so you can keep delivering those knock out blows;)
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs! Feel better friend.

I wrote a post but it got lost. Oh well..

Diary, for the first time in a long time I found myself romancing the punt. Just a taste I told myself. Almost 6 months without a dime spent on the slots and today I really thought about it. The thing is change is a bi t c h. It's slow and at time painful. I told my ma today that I felt like bawling like a two year old. She said go right ahead. Hahaha. I guess it's ok to cry to mama no matter how old one is. I'm ok now. The sun is slowly setting. I am safe and warm inside our little house. Me, Patrice, ma and the dogs. Supper soon and Big Bang reruns are on all night. Does it get better than that? Hahaha I don't need a slot machine. I needed my mama and she was there. That's lucky. I'd say I won.

Howdy Diary,

NOTE TO MYSELF:

Typical "addict" behaviors include but are not limited to refusing to take accountability for my actions. An inability to see my own BS.

Denial.

Arrogance.

I might run away, or blame other people. It's never my fault. Flinging toys from the crib.

Slamming doors.

Stomping off.

I've done it all. What I have learned is If I'm being crazy I have to fix it. I cannot expect other adults to wrap themselves in it. As if my crazy is some kind of warm welcoming blanket?! I cannot expect other adults to fix it for me. If I need help I need to go out and get it. If it's a meeting or therapist or both.

Being a friend doesn't mean I have to take cr a P off of people. So I wouldn't expect other people to take cr ap off of me. Addicts like everybody else have to fix their s h it but, if I don't want to or don't believe I need to -any form of abstinence won't amount to much. over time I will inevitably go back to my old behavior. I don't have to be perfect but I have to be accountable. I need to get busy fixing what needs fixed.

Must have picked up a virus last week. Feeling puny and weepy. In front of the tv under a blanket most of the day. Watching true crime shows. One of them featured a casino and of course that set my gambling mind off. The fantasy didn't last long though. I don't have the time or money for that s***t anymore. Checking Facebook I saw a recent pic of my brother and sister in law and thought to myself they really look good. Then I thought it must be nice to be financially comfortable. That must be why they still look so young and fit. I would be healthier if I had what they had... uh huh.. gambler brain... I'm over weight because I over eat. And, they certainly have their share of life's ups and downs.

Envy... If only, blah blah blah. I'm starting to catch myself in these moments before the shame vortex sucks me in. It feels pretty good to be able to stop myself. Even with this sh I tty virus I still feel ok. I have a lot to be grateful for.

The shame vortex:

I'm not worthy.

I'm not good enough the way I am.

I'm inherently bad... flawed, broken.

Today, I know I am not any of those things. Sometimes I don't make the best choices but I am no different in that respect than any other human being.

Some strong urges today but I shoved back and they are all but gone now. The subconscious battle rages on. Fight, flee, or freeze. The slot machine is not my friend. I know that. From my chair I can see a swatch of blue against a pale canvass sky. The heaviness in my chest leaves for a moment. Just long enough for me to wake up to the reality that I am here. I'm am here and everything is ok. Chicken tacos for supper. To bed early tonight. Work tomorrow. I'm looking forward.

I'm feeling angry today. Maybe agitated is a better word. I'm impatient with the little things so larger things seem more challenging. This is not a happy clappy post. If addicts have to pray for serenity then we are not by nature St. Francis. I'm not sorry either. I'm no longer apologizing for taking my space or for having a feeling that isn't upbeat. Putting it down on this diary helps. This is that space that I used to stuff gambling into. I'm not numb anymore and momma said there would be days like this. And, what I'm doing about it is naming it. Marking it. Feeling it and pushing forward. I'm certain the day will get better.

Congratulations JJ on 187 days gamble free. Great progress on your journey of recovery.

I liked your description of the skies you observe from your window and thought of how it can mirror our view of recovery. Sometimes the skies are blue and everything looks fine but clouds can sometimes be a distraction and change our outlook.

I was touched by your choice of username. You chose Judy as a sign of respect to your resilient goldfish who brought you so much pleasure. We tend to view animals as second class citizens so it is nice that you cherish her memory.

I also like your name Joan but according to Romeo and Juliet "That which we call a compulsive gambler. By any other name would stll suffer shame, guilt, fear and remorse." Or something along those lines.

The clock ticks on and years pass us by. As we age we can store ever more memories. Compulsive gambler memories are gruesome and scary so it would be in our best interests to refrain from gambling and explore other avenues. Who knows what opportunities are waiting round the corner??? Let's go take a look!!! Stephen x