Angel From Montgomery

Joan.
Put it out there my friend, you will I believe take something from doing so.
Life is no bed of roses, well if it is ours sometimes becomes overgrown and more of a bed of thorns.
By letting the emotions out I believe you cut back the dead roots giving those beautiful flowers the opportunity to blossom.
Keep being true to you and yours.
Look after yourself and don't ever feel any guilt for doing so.
Why??
Because you are worth it.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs for your words and for taking the time to write on my diary.

Truth is, I don't always feel worthy and I spend way to much of my own time worrying about what other people think. Probably the only thing that I can think of that is a bigger waste of time and energy than gambling. I do have a life that is full with other people in it who love me warts and all. I'm looking forward to Easter weekend. Family and friends and a roasted chicken with all of the fixings. I'm not by any means a perfect person but I try very very hard. I'm not a big fan of counting days and have made that pretty clear over the years but, 189 days is my personal best, and I will take it with head held high.

Feel like I need to come clean to myself. Bla blah feelings blah Easter chickens and 189 days... the truth is:

Tiny niece calls me up last night to FaceTime. She was in the ER with mom. She looked pale and scared and of course I felt helpless again. Sick of feeling helpless. But I can't fix it! Got to work this morning and set up my training room. Banged off a quick text to brother John to wish him a happy birthday. I thought about when we were kids how good it felt to be seated next to him. 11 months apart. Always side by side in church. At the dinner table. In the boat fishing with our dad. And, how far apart we seem to be now that we are so much older. Then the tears came. Feeling the feeling when the feeling comes instead of stuffing it down doesn't come easily to me at all.

190 days of abstinence has brought me greater financial freedom. The massive debts were cleaned up a couple of years ago. I wish I could say it has brought me greater happiness but it hasn't yet. Action and change. I can't change the socioeconomic position I'm in. I was born into this class and will most likely die in this class. I will never change that I am the middle child and the only female in the litter. I have always loved life. I have always had hope. I carry around a lot of baggage though. I really don't know how to "let go". I have a good paying job that I do well. I have a partner of 19 years. We own a home together. We took my aging mom in and I look after her part time. My brother John helps her out financially. My oldest and dearest friends live in Chicago and one of them intalkbto once a month or so. He and I were married once and have known each other for 42 years. I have two close girlfriends here in Mass. They both have little ones who refer to me as auntie. I have a pretty full life that keeps me quite busy. I would like to be more present and I believe at work this is beginning to happen. I no longer drag myself through the training like a robot. I have the opportunity to meet 10 souls every other week and I have to say I have never felt more gratified. The lay is ample but I feel more gratified and effective these days and I have to assume it has to do with choices and consequences of those choices. When I was. Shins the eightball financially I needed more and more money to feed the addiction and to pay off creditors. The job was a means to an end. Now I have more financial freedom and my focus is on the quality of the training. I always had a decent pass rate but it's different these days because I'm investing myself more in other souls and less on numbers. I'm learning a great deal about other cultures because the company I work for has a diverse workforce. My relationship with my partner has always been close but I feel there has been some tension. I know we used gambling together and I often thought the reason had to do with the heaviness we both felt around intamacy. We both come traumatic pasts and I know folks don't like hearing that and tend to eye roll but do some reading. Child hood trauma and abuse needs to be addressed and stopped. People never "get over it". We do talk a lot about our feelings and on difficult days we have learned to come together as opposed to running in different directions. We are thinking of joining the gym together when the weather gets better and flu season does down. I doubt we will get addicted to exercise but we shall see. Urges to gamble come and go but not the kind one gets in the very beginning. I still miss it because I tend to think about the fun times. Never mind the times and there were so many when I came home broken financially and in my mind. It takes a long time to fix the financial ruin and the time lost will never be recovered. I'm still learning. My latest topic of interest is this notion of being fully human. When I was a kid the church we belonged to encouraged us to be more Christlike. That's not af all where I'm coming from. However I do believe that the historical Jesus did try to model for humanity what it meant to be fully human. Take it or leave it it's what's been on my mind these days. Intypically go back and correct misspellings etc but today I'm just freestylimg and whatever sticks is good. I write primarilly for myself these days.

A cool post there Joan, it’s nice seeing you in a good place.

Again, you’ve given me food for thought as I embark on a rambling forage on your thread. It’s cool to read that you speak to your ex hubby regularly and hai 42 years is a lifetime in many books, a massive part of your history with similarities with my self.

I also found it interesting in your use of ‘ ‘ with regard to childhood trauma and people never ‘ getting over it ‘ yet there’s many fortunately that get through it and unfortunately some don’t, s***t as you know Joan happens and I’m using a old adage and with which Elvid sang well ‘ only the strong survive ‘ and you Joan is a strong intelligent woman and very human.

Anyway this rambling post is from a cyber pal wishing you and Patrice a nice Easter weekend

Hello cyber pal Paul! It was lovely hearing from you. A very happy Easter from us to you as well.

So, did I mention I had a great paying job that I do well? Ha! Yesterday I was informed that I may only have it until the end of the fiscal year which will be July 1. Life happens!! It always does. Thank god we haven't been up to our usual antics or we would be up to our eyeballs in debt with no way to pay it! I'm still in my pajamas licking my wounds. It's typical of corporate America to just toss folks out like ballast. To even out the ol bottom line. Two tears in a bucket and mother fuque it!! I'm moving on. Maybe I will finally do whatever it is I was meant to do instead of turn a buck to spin a wheel. We have plans to visit the tiny nieces and their crazy mother today. I'm still looking forward to that Easter chicken. We're all ok.

Yo Diary,

So, sheeeit brick showers are just a part of life and the difference today is I don't use them as an excuse to gamble. Let them fly sideways. I'm looking forward to July. I need a change and my employer has forced my hand. Truth is I was complacent. Time to face the strange ch-ch-changes.

Hello Judy,

Just popping by to say hello. I've read your diary for a while now without posting. Im not far off where you are on the GF days and i know personally i feel a lot more confident within myself and i have looked for a new job on the back of that. Change can be good, its nice to freshen up our routine every now and then, though i know we like to think we are safe in our jobs and we are the ones to choose when we change.

All the best =)

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I'm going through.

Do you know what Joan, resilience is one of the quality’s addiction gifts us, and just by following your diary for these past few years I can tell your quite a resilient sort. If the evitable does happen, I’m pretty sure you’ve got the armoury to strive on to better things, I know it does get tougher with time, but hai you’ve learned over the years what’s important and you can gift your services to another employer.

Have a good weekend

Hey Paul, and so I went with the momentum and put in my resignation for the end of this month. Boom! Two days before my 58th birthday. Why drag it out to July. Nothing changes if nothing changes indeed. I feel good about it and also petrified of the unknown. If I am going to start over then why not start all the way over. That job was a part of the old cycle. I worked I earned we gambled it away I worked I earned we gambled it away. For the last 7-8 years! No more. Debts are paid. I paid!! ENOUGH! I am ready to step into the unknown. I can do anything I set my mind to. Cause I'm freeeee ..free falling..

The work week: I can already feel my chest tightening. My stomach churning. My thoughts swinging back and forth like a pendulum - reflection- anticipation- what was is what will be but maybe worse. What I knew is what will happen. Adrenaline and cortisol shallow breathing. Do I fight? Do I flee? Do I freeze?

Or, just breathe. The observation gallery: Eyes rolling. So cliche. So boring. All of this self indulgence. I suspect thats what diaries are for. Truth is when I focus on just breathing everything comes back into focus. What was, was what was. I have no control over what's to be. I'm not a cornered rat. I'm an old woman in the world. I have skills. Lots of experience and I'm a survivor. That wasn't so bad. A beer, is an Ativan, is a bowl of ice cream is a spin of the wheel, is a lost 20, or lost time... or, maybe I can just f*****g breathe.

A fantastic way with words Joan, I can actually feel them and relate to them ( apart from the woman part )

Are these diary’s self indulgence ? I don’t know and don’t think it really matters. You’ve got the skills, the know how to get through this latest test. You’ve also got your soul mate by your side, so breathe and it’s just another day and tomorrow will also be just another day, so live the now and f****k the not now.

Comrade Paul wishing comrade Joan well

Thanks Comrade! Yeah, it's funny how our lives run parallel on the diaries at times. I like Duncs have been the second engine on a two engine plane and know exactly what it feels like to be let down. To be the one left holding the bag. In my situation I have given heart and soul to my employer for the past 18+ years. This year they saw fit to write me out of the 2019 budget. "Nothing personal" they said. Hahaha So, it was a huge step for me to let my job go. They are getting their months notice but nothing more. Selfish? You betcha!! I'm flying over this cookoo 's nest. That's my truth. Im sure my employer might be telling a different truth and I am sure I have trespassed against an innocent. Does that make me a selfish snake? I don't think so. So why the mini rant? I guess I was feeling a little guilty. Meh? My sanity and my family come first.

Bless the beasts and the children. In this world they have no voice. They have no choice.

Choice.

Take it or leave it.

I have the same pants to get glad in.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice.

I'm thinking about the choices I make. Accountability. Taking responsibility for the choices I make. I don't have time to sort out why others choose what they choose -especially since I can never really know the answer.

I thank God everyday for every new day. Opportunity to make more choices. To make more mistakes. Sometimes I sit back and let life take the wheel. Life is wise. Trust. Trust God. Trust Life.

Life is like a box of chocolates

How spooky that you would mention hall of mirrors...I came out of my meeting last night thinking just that :-0

17 different looking versions of me telling my story in different words & from different stages of my journey. I have learnt so much from so many people that I wouldn’t have had the privilege of meeting without my addiction & it completely disproves the theory about not being able to get something for nothing...Hope & friendship are free in recovery!

Good on you for having the balls to turn the page onto your next chapter Joan...That takes strength!