Angel From Montgomery

Hi ya , sooooooooo relate to what you wrote . Frustrated so often at just not being at peace . Thought when I got made redundant that the stress/ sadness would disperse but no . It’s within me , like you I have plenty to be happy about, and know there are many many peeps in this world that have daily struggles 24/7 , so it’s crazy how I sometimes struggle just to get through the day . I don’t have any answers . I really hope from the bottom of my socks that you are feeling a bit better today . Shiny xxxxxxxx

Thank you, all. I do feel better today. These feelings just seem to come out of nowhere. And, I do need to let myself off the hook. I know I can be judge-y of others and even more so of myself. Walking around all "Tut tut" like you say. I find myself trying to be who I think others think I should be. Only there really aren't any "others". It's a standard I have built up in my own mind that I cannot measure up to. Shame is what fuels my addiction. Being aware of that is progress. Thank you again. xx

Hi Joan

Thank you for the post on my diary, it's very much appreciated. Yesterday I was also having a down day, feeling lost and empty, yet today has been a good day. Funny how one day can be so different to the next and that's without gambling added to the mix. It took me a good while to read through your diary but it was therapeutic and a much better way of spending my time then how I would of filled it previously so thank you for the engaging read, and much needed distraction.

I hope you've had s better day today and here's to another day gf.

Bex

@judy here you go

Thank you Alan and Martin!! 

Thanks again fellas.  

Anyway, dear diary .. I'm finding myself feeling mired down with worry about some upcoming stuff. Worry is a huge trigger for me. Why? Because I don't want to feel/face it. I would rather bury my head in the sand. Run away. Numb out. Eating when I'm not hungry is my go to more than gambling these days but it's just as self  destructive. I guess it's fear that is at the bottom of it all. Fear of  what? I don't even know. Fear of the unknown? Regardless just spitting the words out is helpful. My mind feels clearer. Less cluttered. Worry is a waste of time. It's useless. There are so many things I could be doing. Things I will be doing once I finish writing. Back in the day I would be sitting in front of a game. And it would go something like this:

The losses as a result (because WE NEVER WIN)would become the narrative that would take the place of the original issue which was fear.

The inability to pay for a needed item as a result of the losses would became the narrative to replace the old which was monetary loss. 

The self hatred for wanting what I cannot have would become the narrative to replace the old which was the inability to pay for a needed item.

The depression that I would sink into would become the narrative to replace the old one which was self hatred for wanting what I couldnt have.. 

layer upon layer upon layer and it started with gambling instead of rambling. So today I make time for therapy. Let it all hang out. No more stuffing. 

hi diary,

im jonesing for a gamble today.. I won't and I know it's pointless because it's time and money wasted blah blah but I'm hurting. I hurt. There I wrote it down. There it sits and there it will remain. For what it's worth. Sometimes I just hurt. It's ok. I don't have to gamble about it. I don't need to do anything about it. I don't have to feel guilty for not appearing grateful or cheerful. I know these feelings will pass. Feeling hurt or sad doesn't make me negative. It is what is is and I am still me. A pretty rocking old lady. I am grateful for this diary. Thanks old friend. Talk soon. 

Morning Joan,

Was back and forwards all night thinking if to write or not. It's been a while since we spoke...and the terms of us stopping talking...and so I found myself in dilemma of fear and "what if"..

I then thought that I have this amazing opportunity, to. ...support if i can. Rewind this a month ago and I wouldn't of had it.

So I guess here I am. Extending that arm over the pond. They do say " it's ok not to feel ok". ..sitting with feelings can be difficult, but as daylight changes the darkness, so are thoughts...the do pass.

Hurt and pain is something I can relate to also..I guess what is left is to hold on, experience this not so good feeling and let it pass.

While I'm here, i would also like to congratulate you on you g free time. Well done on making that right choice - one day/ one minute at a time.

Blessings to you and your family.

S&B xx

Hi Sis. Thanks for dropping by. This is a free and safe place for all of us. I know that you can relate.. so, am also glad you took the risk. Drop by any time. ❤️

diary I wish I could say that today I am feeling lighter... not so. Having heavy complicated darker feelings doesn't mean I'm rolled up in a fetal ball. It just means I'm feeling dark, and it's ok. Feelings aren't good or bad. Some are like smooth milk chocolate. Others are like granola with raisins and nuts ? Just have to work a little harder to chew them. They're all good I suppose. 

Hi sis,

Yes, taking risks can work wonders for sure and I'm glad you're welcoming me in your private space of a diary ?...well, i would argue how private it is but we went through such mussings many moons ago already ?. I do agree it is free and open space for sure!

Very glad to read about you "chewing" your way through the dark. As long as we keep moving on (no matter how slow) progress is still being made. Absolutely made up for you girl & willing you on the sidelines of life!

One step at a time.

S&B xx ❤

Happy 4th of JULY Joan.

Hope you are having an amazing day!

S&B ❤

Hey Sis....

Just wanted to fly by..with a hug & to let you know that I'm thinking of all of you!

Stay safe & kind to you Huni..

S&B xx

Hi Diary,

Not ok today. Same old.  Holidays. My rational mind found a river to skate away on. My feelings are all bottled up. Stuffed inside a trash bag tossed over the side of the boat and weighted down with cinder blocks. All of my compulsive behaviors were let out of lock down and are wandering around the lawn like zombies: Suspended. Numb. Dissociated. Detached. The spectator has the luxury of being able to connect the dots and sees clearly how one must stop or one will simply eat themselves to death or gamble themselves into homelessness or worse. So just stop for God’s sake!!  I was stopped in my tracks a very long time ago and wound up suspended like a mosquito that was preserved in amber. PTSD is a b***h! It’s unsticking myself. Getting on with it. Moving forward that I struggle with some days. 

Hello Diary,

I managed to get all my little zombies back in a straight line and back under lockdown. Not without some issues. I had a verbal scuffle with the partner that gave way to a fountain of tears. The bindings gave way and the weights were lifted as stuffed feelings began bubbling to surface. I have two upcoming events that have triggered some very old s**t. Next Saturday is a visit with my brother and sister in law at their new home. Second is a physical exam. Looking, touching, judging. Eyeballs doing the up and down scan. Forced smiles and forced conversation. Civility. Social gatherings and physical exams are one and the same for me. I am going to both. No hiding. No b******t. It’s all gonna be alright. I can’t let normal adult life knock me off my pins. 

Hiya... Am not sure I understand the complexities of your thoughts sometimes, but its good to see that your still around and posting.

Like you say "its gonna be alright"... take care... S.A 🙂 x