Angel From Montgomery

I don’t share on these pages as much as I used to.. seeing Duncan’s name at the top of the diaries sort of conjured up a ghost or two. Abstaining from gambling has saved my partner and I a lot of time and money. I’m a massive germaphobe so that’s what keeps me away these days. I wish I had more to say about a profound spiritual awakening but mostly I stay out because I don’t want to catch the flu or a novel coronavirus. Hey, whatever it takes to keep me off the streets.

Here it continues one day at a time on a very long and sometimes uphill road. If that sounds like life, it’s because it is. I saw the movie The Irishman the other day and Robert Denero’s character says to Al Pacino’s, Jimmy Hoffa, “it’s what it is”. Jimmy Hoffa pushes back and the Irishman cuts him off and again says in a pleading whisper, “it’s what it is”. 

 Life on life’s terms. It’s what it is. The mini split heat pump freezes up again- and life whispers “it’s what it is.” My aging parent is getting sucked further down the rabbit hole (dementia) - and life plead “it’s what it is.”  I guess acceptance has been the highest hurdle for this addict. I’m not in charge. Life is. Life is bigger and smarter than me. 

Times’s up. I love words and getting lost in thought but life calls. 

Hi....

Just checking in to see how you all are doing and hoping that you're safe and well. 

Not far from my thoughts, esp recently...so just a drop by with best wishes and positive thoughts.

Look after yourselves, stay safe..

S xx

Thanks Sis. I didn’t see your note until now. You are kind for checking in. We are both well. Hope you are too.

Diary my friend it’s been a long time. I have taken a much needed break from you. I’m back because I need you once again - old friend.
I made it to 60. I swear I never thought I would. We haven’t gambled since mid August of 2019. This virus is causing me to go deep. Not always the best place for an old empath. It’s dark and the sadness is heavy. I weep pretty much every day. It’s useless I know. I should be out on the front line doing something. I’m high risk due to asthma and obesity.  I feel useless and ashamed. I feel scared and confused. I tell myself if I get this thing and wind up in the ER I will more than likely refuse to be intubated. Let nature take its course. I would fight as always. I’m not a quitter but because I am responsible for my being out of shape I wouldn’t want to take up space or a vent that a younger and healthier person might need. The best course would be to not get it and get started on the path of better physical health. Coming back to my diary is a first step. I’m 60 today. I’m a survivor. Life is and will always be my higher power. I guess that’s all for now.

Hey joan

first and foremost my dear friend may I wish you a very happy birthday, funny I was stargazing two nights ago and I stopped and pondered the brightest star for a bit, I am sure that it was your brother looking down to make sure all was well, I am sure that he shines proud because of the actions of his little sister.

secondly and more importantly don’t do yourself and P such a disservice by putting yourself to the back of any queue for any service that you may need,I hope beyond hope that you won’t need any medical care because I hope that and P are taking the correct precautions to stay safe and after the circumstances of the world change you can contribute to life again in the way you have over the past years.

you held out a hand from the other side of the pond when I truly needed it most, I will never forget your kindness.

today I return a huge hug (((((x)))))

take care my dear friend 

strength and honour 

Duncs 

Hey Duncs, thank you. I appreciate your support. I also want to thank you for thinking about Ed. I take tremendous comfort in knowing he still walks with us in spirit.

Grappling with physical health and am resolved to make changes. Enough shame about being fat. I can’t fix the world but, I can fix me. Enough with all of the stuffing and the worthless worrying. Words without action is pointless. I can’t do anything about “The Rona Virus” or the actions of other people. I can do my best to keep myself safe. I can follow the science and trust myself. Someone “a friend” came over with her kids yesterday. The kids were terrific. Mom sadly is an emotional vampire. She insisted on getting into my physical space in spite of my efforts to distance. I raged after she left. I wanted to medicate myself with food and drugs. Strangely enough gambling never came up. I didn’t take the pain medication and didn’t over eat. I sat with the feelings and this morning talked it out with my partner. Today, I’m moving on. Emotional vampires like my friend C are my kryptonite. What makes this complicated is I am like an auntie to her two children. We have a bond. I love them dearly. Seeing them on my birthday brought me so much joy. Seeing them comes with one catch. Mommy dearest... Anyway, I’m still feeling a little wobbly and insecure. I’ve decided to keep away from all news. I won’t get on my partner about staying safe when she goes out to the store. She knows the drill. Enough is enough. That’s the theme for today. Enough. I am enough. And that is enough for now.

Morning Diary,

Addiction can be like a self imposed death penalty. According to John Prine the writer of the song -An Angel from Montgomery - the angel refers to a stay of execution. A pardon from the governor of Alabama. Montgomery being the capitol where the governor resides.

For as long as I can remember I have been the judge, the jury, the guilty, the prisoner, the warden, and the angel, in my own private redemption story.

I am finally coming to the understanding that Life is a gift that belongs to everyone regardless. We are all worthy. The key to my prison cell has always been within my reach. The bars were just shadows.

Maybe, prison bars are always shadows real or imagined. Our minds are and always have been free and unbreakable.  If we want to be freed from the grips of addiction the key is Life itself. It’s math. To be or not to be. “Time to get busy living or dying”.  Choose Life.

Hi Judy, good to see you back. Good to read your thoughts, they get me thinking as always. I guess its good to think, use the grey matter, not spend too much time with idle thoughts and just passing time.

As for the virus, well I wouldn't want to be on a ventilator either, use them for the folk whom have children to support that's what i'd say. But then I if I was fighting for every breath I might feel different. Like you say life is precious getting busy living.

As for food I can relate to your thoughts, very easy to comfort oneself with over eating. I often do it after a stressy day at work. I guess am lucky in one sense in that not having a car I do soo much walking that i burn much of it off, but not all, I have a wobbly tummy and chubby cheeks.

Great stuff on the gamble free time by the way. Alas I still think about it quite a lot, despite decades of financial and psychological damage. It is what it is. All we have is now.

Warm regards from over the pond.

S.A 🙂

Hi ya SA. Not writing in my diary much these days  But read diaries every day.  It’s good to see you plugging along. 

anyways, diary,

it feels like the world is broken. I feel a sadness that weighs heavily on my chest.  Almost as if I swallowed a tennis ball or something. I haven’t set foot inside of a gambling den since last August. For now they remain closed but not for long. Money money money... if I hear the word economy one more time I might scream. Money means more to us than life. It makes me physically sick. My partner and I along with my 85 year old ma two dogs and gecko named Hellen are happily holing up in the house waiting for covid to f**k itself off. It’s not that bad because I’ve never been a huge fan of crowds. I prefer the quiet. I can look out the window for hours. I love trees and birds and the way the lake water  looks fist thing In the morning just as the rising sun hits it. It sparkles like billions of diamonds. I love the natural world. People, meh? I have a few friends that I have known for at least 20 years and a few going back even further than that. There are a few folks from GC that I have stayed in touch with over the years. I’m very grateful. I have got to pull myself up and out of this sadness somehow. For some reason I soak in too much of what’s happening in the world. I’m like a sponge that simply cannot hold in one more drop. For me that’s progress because I used to be more like a pressure cooker ready to blow its lid off. I’m not angry anymore. Just sad.. i will be ok. I believe the world will be ok. Yup, we will all be ok. That’s it for now. ? ❤️

July 4th came and went. Nothing too different from other 4ths. We went for our drive, scarfed back hamburgers and potato salad and settled in front of the tv to watch the Pops. Noisy fireworks popped off for a good hour or so. One dog running around frantically and barking at the door. The other curled up sleeping soundly. One of the perks of being deaf as a haddock. Poor things. Covid rages on here with no signs of stopping. People are acting foolish. We’re remaining in quarantine except for contact free trips to the drugstore. If I said I wasn’t going a little nuts I’d be telling a lie. My partner and I get along which is more than half the battle I suppose. No gambling. Casinos will be opening up on Monday. The threat of catching the virus is plenty to block me. I wish I could say I was fully recovered but that would be another lie. I have certainly made progress but am far from recovered. I still find myself getting triggered. PTSD and all that goes with it. It can be exhausting trying to talk myself off a ledge because of  the mind numbing fear of nothing. Phantom pain in the brain. The worst part is it robs me of the  moment. Even when you think you left trauma  behind the body remembers. My limbic system and all that adrenaline and cortisol flooding my brain and tissues. My favorite phrase from this life is: don’t live in the past. ?. Ok, I won’t. As soon as I climb down from this wall that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  
I can hear ma stirring upstairs so that means it’s time to get her breakfast going. She’ll be 86 in October God willing. Life goes on. One day at a time. If you’re new to all of this. Be patient with yourself. Addiction is a symptom. Get as much help as you can. Nobody gets through this alone. It’s not about the money. In the beginning I like everyone else on planet gamble obsessed about losses. It’s normal to focus on losses but it doesn’t help. It’s not about how many days you have or how many days you’ve yet to go. It’s finding out what drives your compulsion and facing up to it. That’s why it’s important to get help. Anyway gotta go. Love and peace to all in GC land.

Hey Joan 

glad to read you and P are in good health, please keep it that way. 
Great share my dear friend, for me gambling addiction and the escape without doubt my brains answer to coping with trauma.

addiction saved me from myself, now recovering will save me from the true rock bottom of addiction.

 I have a better understanding of those words today.

we are without doubt one bet away from destruction.

keep making the right choice.

 I raise my cup of hot joe to you 

just for today 

Duncs 

It’s been a year now. I have a pandemic to thank for that. The casinos have reopened but my fear of covid outweighs any urges I might have to play games. Playing games, having a smoke, having a drink or a piece of cake. All sounds pretty harmless. I’m an addict and so it goes. I don’t do anything that’s potentially unhealthy in moderation. I’m not skipping down the road of recovery. Some days I’m lying on the road waiting for a truck to mow me down. Negative? I don’t think so. Just saying it like it is. Other days I plop myself down in front of the window and just watch the day change colors. I’m happy to do that. We don’t have a lot but we have enough. I read a meme recently that said “ karma is only a b***h if you are”.  So, I try not to be a b***h. Some days I just have to be a b***h and that’s ok. If you’re out there struggling it’s ok to not feel ok all of the time. It’s a very long road. Try not to spend every waking minute inside of your head like I do. There’s so much to see outside of that window. Life is good. I’m ok. The world is ok. Today would be Ed’s birthday. I remember so many carefree Augusts with Ed. Suntanned and freckle faced. My big brother. Always into something. Always curious. I miss you Ed. I know mom misses you too. And that’s that I suppose. To everybody in GC land. It might not seem like it but we’re all ok. 

Hi sis,

I congratulate you on your amazing progress! Keep doing what you doing - it's working.

Be kind to you

S&B xx

Hiya... its hard not spend every waking moment inside of your own head... but am working on it! 🙂

I ponder your thoughts. Much wisdom.

Like you say, we are all ok.... and in any case, when we cross to the other side none of it matters anyway, just another experience on the souls journey to eternity.

All the best... am off to watch the changing colours of the day.

S.A x

Well, thank you Sis and SA for dropping by!

Diary it’s been a long haul. 8 years on the road and 1 year since setting foot in a gambling den.   Back in the day I remember cakes and all day high fives, and back slapping.  A year is an achievement I suppose but for most including myself it’s just a new chapter. It’s like that scene in the movie “Alive” when the man finally reaches the summit of an icy mountain only to see that there are many more mountains yet to climb. It’s not Groundhog Day. I have made a lot of progress over the years. One thing I am proud of is that I kept the same diary. The good the bad and the ugly. It’s all me. Take it or leave it. I reached the age of 60 at the end of April and that was an accomplishment. If you knew me when I was 20 you would agree. I was a raging drunk by the time I reached my 20s. That’s when I got into AA. I haven’t had a drink in 30 years. I guess when I got into gambling I figured hey ho it ain’t drinkin sooo must be ok. We know how that went. The hardest part has been slowly accepting that addiction is part of me. Taking accountability for ALL of my decisions and actions. Living with past trauma can be hell at times but it’s possible. My doctor says my heart might be broken and I need some tests. It’s been bouncing and banging for no apparent reason. I guess my body has finally caught up with how I’ve been feeling since I can remember remembering. That’s a long time. I have a lot of joy in my life it’s just not constant. I used to think that made me unique. I have found out that this is how most people live. “There’s 7 million stories in the naked city  etc. etc.”  As a result of abstinence all debts have been paid off and there is ample to get by on and even some for a rainy day. If you’re reading this and not quite there yet don’t despair. I used to read diaries of folks paying off debt and accumulating days gamble free and it made me feel less. Don’t!!! We’re all one bad choice away from day 1. If you don’t want to drown in debt stop gambling right now and know that every buck you didn’t P**s to the wind is a buck in your pocket. Time rolls on like a raging river they say.. before you know it the bucks add up. I know it’s pretty lack luster finding out that we’re not all that different and that there is no real end to the climbing but attitude is 99%. It gets a little easier I guess. So like the song goes “it’s not a victory march but more like a broken hallelujah” I will take it just for today. Peace to all in GC land.