Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Thank you so much for posting on my diary....really appriciated!

You know even with all the pain you are going through at the moment....You still havn't gambled.

For that you should be proud.....very proud!

It does really help to get those feelings written down on your diary.

It will get easier hun...........each day you dont gamble you can feel a sense of pride!

We all want you to beat this!

Sue x

Always nice to hear from you Sue. Thanks for your constant encouragement. It trully does help. Well, it is day 6 and I made it thru the hardest days. Thurs-Sat nights. Typically trigger nights. Today I am grateful for the support of my partner in life and in crime, my job, my two crazy corgis winnie and scout, and my falling apart but always warm and welcoming 74 year old house we lovingly call "Bonnie". Bonnie has suffered the most through all of this. We have neglected her over the last 10 years. This is the year that we will begin to rebuild. Bonnie is a direct reflection of what gambling has done to our lives. Fortunately, for us though, our foundation remains strong. The walls still standing firm. When I am sober, clean, clear, I can see the opportunities. I can see the possibilities. I am a human being which means I have the natural capacity for intelligence, warmth, and creativity. When I get the urge to give in to old story lines I have the capacity to change by just sitting still. Taking three deep breaths, staring down the urge head on. and then.. letting it go. Miraculously in that space is a new, clean thought. When I get the urge to tell someone off I sit, taking three deep breaths, stay with the feeling -- examine it then, let it go. In the space of this moment that was once occupied with righteous indignation is now a clean slate. I can create a new state of being. I can transform anger and frustration into calmness. This might sound like common sense to some but, at 52 I really did not know that I had this kind of power. Choice is real. Minding by own business is a real full time job! Stay strong everyone!

Hi Diary,

just finishing day 6 and no gambling. One day at a time. good nite everybody!

Hi Joan,

Day 6.......You go girl!

It's so good to see you being free of the B***H

Well done!

Hugs Sue xxxx

Hey Sue, thanks for popping in. I made it thru a full day of teaching today. I have got to say transitioning from weekend to work week was easier this time. Maybe I am experiencing some kind of honeymoon phase. Well, I have no urge to gamble at this time. I suspect the itch to return closer to the weekend as that had always been our MO. We would make excuses like well, we work hard so why shouldnt we play hard? ahem.. well, I guess b/c we wind up broke and feeling like cr**... Some reward!Anyway --I'm feeling a good kind of tired this evening. Have to put the supper on. One whole week without gambling. That's good I suppose. Continued success to all. Stay strong. joan

Morning Diary,

Day 7: Will be heading in for another day of teaching in a bit. I am working hard on staying focused. I am very easily distracted. I am an alcoholic-- no drink since September 1991, and now a struggling but, recovering gambling addict. Recovery can be a b****. I am doing my moral inventory while at the same time trying to stay focused and positive. Although I batted the word "serenity" around alot over the years I never quite got the hang of it. I was too P***** off about everything. I am a P***** off person by nature. I am easily hurt. When I am hurting I lash out. I suppose the abuse I suffered as a child has something to do with it. I spent years in therapy sorting that out. Today I am dabbling a bit with meditation. Something that I used to think was pure horseshit. There are some days when I still think it is pure horseshit but, if my choices in the moment seem to me like reaching for a drink or a bet or taking a shot at some ignorant idiot then I need to reach out for that higher power whether he, she, or it lies in the dark liquid pools of my puppy dog's eyes or the Buddha in the wallpaper. I want, need to be a better person. I believe that serenity is attainable even to somebody like me. Peace to all. joan

Hi Joan

Great post 🙂

You show Joan that you can deal with addictions as you have before , I know it's difficult but I also know it does become easier with each passing day you remain bet free

You will find your peace Joan , I've no doubt about that

A friend showed me the serenity prayer at the beginning of my journey and I'm often reminded of it when times get tough , I hope it will give you some peace too

Take care

Keep strong , your doing great even when it's tough

Lucy xxx

Joan.

If you give to your recovery what you have already given to the forum I know you will be served well by it. keep on keeping on, give it your all.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Just for today NO BET.

Joan,

Goodness girlie....You really have been through it eh!

Am so glad you came on this site......what a positive influence you are hun!

Keep doing what you are doing....It WILL get easier!

Hugs

Sue xxxx

Evening Diary,

I am thinking about Sue, Lucy, and Duncs. -- And all of the folks on this forum and how much their wisdom and support means to me. My hope is that some day soon I will be able to pull my head out of my b**t long enough to be able to give back as much as I have been given. Got thru the day today bet free. That's something. Peace everyone. joan

Hi Joan...

just coming to offer my support...am also doing my step 4 in group on weds again even though i'm on the other side of the forum...so know where you're at with that one..

I think anyone coming on here has great courage and you give back by simply sharing your self and story with everyone.

Im also trying some meditation too part of this inner child stuff and I believe its helpful if you have had a traumatic childhood. I also lash out and am trying to sort that out.

Keep on keeping on...

Rachel xx

Good Morning Diary - Day 9

I was so happy and grateful to hear from you Dotty/Rachel. I have been following your posts and so much of what you feel/say resonates with me.

Today, I am thinking that I cannot always say what I feel. I get soo d**n overwhelmed or distracted by what I think others might think of me. I worry that I must appear perfect even if that means I have to stuff my true feelings or put on a mask. My recovery from this addiction demands from me a rigorous honesty that I am not always capable of. Being real scares the hell out of me. For me addiction is addiction regardless. My drug du jour happens to be gambling. when I was a kid it was food. I started drinking hard alcohol when I was 14. I know that at the bottom of all of it is an original injury. When something happens to me pleasant or unpleasant -- I go back there and repeat old story lines-- like yesterday-- when driving home.. I'm sitting in traffic with hundreds of others. This man behind me is tooting his horn and yelling at me out his car window. "Move you c***!" "Move you w***e!" to this moment I have not been able to let go of what that man said to me. I know I am not those things. I know the man has his own pain and fears but, for whatever reason I cannot/ will not let his words go. So I take those hurt feelings and seal it over with a thick coat of resentment and file it away with all of my other resentments. I keep this file cabinet locked up in my heart. I have been filling it up with garbage like this since I was a kid. My heart is heavy. When I hear the saying "let go and let god" I think how the hell does one let go?????

Anyway, I know that I can be intense. I take so much in and to heart. My partner says she is going to build me a wailing wall in our backyard. LOL. I have a full day ahead of me. So, time for some deep breaths. Time to remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for: My partner, My home, my job, and this forum. Stay strong everyone. Peace. -joan

Hi judy

Dont give another thought to that man in the car who shouted those terrible things he is not worth thinking about. If he had said that to me i would have kept reversing my car into his while it was a write off Lol.

hey Joan..

Absolutely brilliant post.....and loads of identification....

On letting go...well im not an expert on that as you know but maybe its about being gentle on ourselves and not trying to do it in one big go.

Maybe its about doing it in stages?

If I try to do things too fast and with no patience with myself it just sets up more perfectionism in me that Im failing and I start comparing trying to be more perfect and then BANG explosion and people run for cover then setting up the belief that I was not perfect enough and must try even harder!!!!! its madness. ....

You know you are not all those things that guy said ...but the power of words can be trigger which has been brought to light on here recently from both sides (i hate sides but you know what i mean right?)..

For me its any implication that Im 'selfish"or not doing "enough".....as that one is like shining a torch on a vampire...

Have patience with the changes that take time ...thats what is always said to me......We are all impatient and want to get rid of this stuff now now now ...its the voices in our head that we flog and beat our self up with that drive this whole stuff....where did we learn the voice we were not enough??..or not good enough??

Joan....its unconditional ..and i mean that....no judgement ..you get it all out..whatever it takes for you hun.

I find letter writing helpful and take a lot of inspiration from your pioneers over there in the US...John Bradshaw....etc..its learning to rewrite the script and change those voices in our head....easier said than done for sure....

I even cringe at the word "gentle"..it makes me feel itchy and squirmy so you can see how much learning I have to do....lol.

We are all in this together and never alone hun xx

big hugs Joan

Rachel and Dotty (dots my dog) xxxxx

ps...seriously ..the wailing wall thing..your partner may be on to something there...I have thought about that before too and similar things...

Did you ever see that film.."How to make an american quilt" ...Maya Angelou was in it.

One of the characters was so mad at her sister that she smashed plates and crockery up for years and years then cemented the broken bits on the walls of a spare room.It was a shrine to her anger.

Towards the end of the film she started to chip them off as she eventually forgave her sister.

Rachel xx