Angel From Montgomery

I just had another thought -- about why I might be feeling low instead of upbeat. For me it is like a break up. I cannot lie to myself. I am still in love. So, exiting, all of the beautiful colors, the possibilities!! I used to think to myself when I first arrived: I love this place. In the space of an hour I would be in HELL. So, I got hooked up with a beautiful but seriously f***** up lover. I woke up and looked over my shoulder one morning and thought to myself - what the f*** am I doing here?? So, I walked away. I am sad. I have to at least acknowlege that. I miss the creep that I spent the last 10 years of my life with. What shall I do now? There is no going back. The decision I made was final. I am done. You have caused me nothing but sorrow, and have drained me both financially and spiritually. "at first I was affaid, I was petrified.... "go on now go! walk out the door just turn around now cause your not welcome anymore.... As long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive and -- I will survive!!

So, this is day 3. For the moment I am not gambling. I am just sitting with "the itch" Deep breathing helps. I am going to look into some books on meditation. Weekends are tough but my partner in love and crime and I are fully committed to this process. I suggested puzzles and yesterday she came home with an armload of 300 pc puzzles..lol driving me a liitle nuts but, we are putting it together -- together piece by piece.

I havent quite figured out how to use this on line journal site --lots of great suggestions but, also alot of inside jokes. I sometimes feel like I am on the playground trying to jump midstream into a game but, the big kids dont wish to play with me.. lol! I'm 52 years old!! I am finding this more distracting than helpful at the moment.. sigh --So, I have decided to start my own personal journal. I am grateful for this site and wish you all continued success!! 🙂 By the way my real name is Joan. Judy was a beautiful fantailed goldfish. She was part of my life for 8 years. I chose her name b/c I wanted to honor her memory but, mostly to honor her resiliency.

Hi Joan.....Judy,

Dont worry hun...age has no meaning on here......I am the same age.

This is such a tough addiction to beat. Lets face it if you are addicted to alcohol...drugs..there is a lot more help in the main stream. But please believe me...this site does work!

Keep posting...what ever you want. People on here don't judge....why...because that is the bond that holds us altogether.

Please don't feel like an outsider......We are all in this together.

I can assure you if you keep posting...You will get helpful replies.

We all want to beat this!

Sue xxxxxxxxx

Evening Joan

Please don't feel like an outsider, there are alot of people on here who will offer advice and support 😉

We are all in this together, one aim and that is to remain bet free!

Just write on your own if that's all you can do at the moment, nobody expects you to post back if you are unable, as time goes on then maybe you could but please don't think you will be judged, you defo will not!

Read lots as well Joan , it really does help !

Your Keeping Strong, take it a day at a time

Lucy x

ok Sue and Lucy. You are absolutely right. To be totally honest I am full of s**t. The real problem is Thursday. Patrice my partner of 13 years is off on Thursdays and that is when our weekend begins. Thursdays thru Sundays are the hardest days to get thru. I am in typical joan the addict form today. Feeling sorry for myself. Looking for pity. Patrice agreed to self exclude from our favorite slot parlor. I have blocks on my computer. I think we will be looking into going to GA meetings next. I know if I can get through these days that on Monday I will feel great. It is ironic. I am an RN and I tell my patients with poison ivy that all they need do is refrain from scratching. Scratching will only spread the rash and make the problem worse. Nurse heal thyself!! I have to refrain from scratching. The urge to do so will pass. I will eventually get better. One hour at a time tonight.

Hi Joan

So pleased ur getting all those thoughts down on ur diary it will help u so much and make u stronger , u will be able to look back and see how far u av come and how well u av done but more importantly look back and be proud and sayin I'm doin this and I can keep on doin it

Pride is the one thing that takes a while to come back to be able to look in the mirror without hating urself we av all been there , gambling takes our self belief and confidence it's not the real u playing that machine u only return when the damage is done

In time though it does get easier and more importantly the brain will understand and see what gambling does to us , keep reading and posting and it's good to see that ur supporting others that will help u knowing ur helping and supporting others makin a difference to their lives

So well done so far and stay strong

Castle2

thanks Castle. this is the time I would normally be playing online slots. Instead Patrice and i baked up some bisquits for our two corgies scout and winnie. I am feeling calm. I feel very confident at this point that I am going to get through this night without gambling. I can do this one day at a time.

Thanks so much for your encouraging words Sharon. We made it through Thursday. Today, we have alot going on. We are off to my mother's to do her shopping and laundry. mom has not been well since late March of this year. In and out of the hospital and it appears that her memory is failing. It is a done deal. She will be moving in with us probably by September 1st. Have alot of mixed feelings about all of this but, bottom line -- we cannot stand to see her looking so small and frightened. Dont get me wrong. Our relationship has not been all sunshine, lolipops and rainbows.. on the contrary.. I have 3 brothers. One the eldest who is currently in addiction to alcohol and drugs, two, the attorney living on east coast close to us but one million miles away and three, the youngest back in Illinois completely oblivious. None of them have offered to take her. So, it is up to Patrice and I. We have gotten all kinds of advice and have been reminded that there are social services out here but, I keep coming back to -- she is my mother. Lately, she has been calling at all hours to complain about tummy pain, cant poo, cant sleep. I remember when I was 5 years old calling out to her in the night. She always came without fail. I am not a martyr. Nothing like that. It is the right thing to do that's all. It's what we have to do. When I was early on in recovery from addiction to alcohol we were always warned about taking on projects like this. My eyes are wide opened. Last March I went down to part time. Ugh.. writing this post feels like a job this morning. Am gonna stop here. I am ok. Not gambling. 🙂

ok joan. This is typical joan the addict behavior again. Soooo tired. Sooo hard.. Cant even write in my diary b/c it takes sooo much energy. Good grief! It is Friday. Fridays are difficult. Will work my a** off and look for a reward. The reward was 200 bucks in a slot machine. Which would result in a 200 deficit in my bank account. So, the truth is that looking at and writing down the truth is hard. Another one of my joan the addict's behaviors is that everything needs to happen at once. Get er done!! I should be passed all of this s**t by now b/c after all it is day 4. LOL I make myself laugh. Pause, take three deep breaths, sit with the feeling... let it go. It is going to be another hour to hour kind of day. It is not just gambling urges that I am grappling with. It is my s**t -- all of it. Gambling was a drug. A way for me to numb out. I am awake and without a drug to numb me-- So, I am taking in each moment. What is happening right now at this moment:

Corgi is lying on the floor. Jeezuz, this is difficult.. just sitting still. Sitting with the itch,the pain. Nope. Dont start thinking about all of the world's problems. Focus. It is alot easier for me to get into all of the problems of the world. I am a human services provider -- we do that alot. Try to solve the problems of the world. My job to day is to try to keep my mind still. Safety is an illusion but, I tell myself I made it this far. I'm a survivor. Oh I could tell stories -- but, I am not going back there. No need. Have had tons of therapy and have lots of skills. My job today is to try to keep my mind still. to contol my own thoughts and actions -- now, there is a challenge. 🙂

need to write down this next thought. why am I soo d**n angry and uneasy? I had mentioned that I am a nurse so, unfortunately many of my metaphors will be influenced by my medical backround. so, if you are grossed out by body parts and such -- this post is NOT for you. I realise today that I am in the process of debriding an old wound. Necrotic infected tissue cannot heal. I have to get all of the awful foul smelling goop out first and wash the wound clean before I can start the healing process. This is gonna hurt alot but, I look forward to a clean wound bed. Deep breaths, paused, leaned headfirst into the feeling and discovered that I have a neglected wound that needs nursing care. I can do this.

Late in the evening here in the States. Looks like I made it through another day without gambling.

Morning Diary,

Day 5 and no gambling! Getting clean. Feeling better. More hopeful today. Patrice is busy working on her puzzles. 🙂 We are slowly getting our house in order to receive my mom this coming September. When I am not entrenched in my pain/ addiction I can see a future and how much I have to be grateful for. Pause, three deep breaths, leaning into the urge, letting it go, moving forward. Sit, Stay, Heal.

when I am in addiction I resort to old story lines to get by. Get P***** off. Lash out at the people I love. They are usually my first targets. At people I do not even know -- I have been known to flip folks off from my car window. Sometimes I can be very cutting. My words can be murderous. I wanna be right. It does not matter if I am alone in my corner. I am right and that is all that matters. My typical MO is to go from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond. I find when I take a moment to sit with the "itch", the urge whatever it might be; to drink, to eat, to gamble, to flip someone off i have the inner ability to open my mind up to a greater or fuller understanding. I read Mike's post last night. I got the urge to lash out -- So, instead, I thought I would hit the pause button. I sat with Mike's post, all last night and part of this morning. It occured to me that he is in agony. I found out that my own father loved alcohol more than he loved me. A pain I still live with to this day. When I am writhing in pain, I have been known to growl and foam at the mouth. I guess what I am trying to say is that I forget to be polite and considerate. Mike and I and the rest of us are just trying to find our way. Here's to all of us -- a huge stay strong!! xxxxxxxxxxx joan