Angel From Montgomery

Good Morning Diary Day 10:

I am sort of dragging myself through the process today. When I do not feel like writing in my diary. I am finding those are the times when I need to write the most. Ugh! Soooo, hmmm, soo tired.. lol. Not really. It is Thursday and I am coming to the end of my work week. That means the urges will be coming on stronger so, I am beginning to shut down. Where's my blankie.. lol. I have decided NOT to shut down however. I have also decided that there is a time for introspection and a time for relief. So, today I am going to try not to get all bogged down in my s**t. Truthfully, I am feeling a little better and I need to honor that fact. I noticed at work yesterday that I am paying closer attention to what others have to say. I am usually impatiently waiting for people to stop talking so that i can speak. Yes, I can be pretty self absorbed.. I have discovered that some of the people that I work with are really trully great. When I take the s**t out of my ears I can listen. I am reflecting on a verse from a Joni Mitchell song called "People's Parties":

I feel like I'm sleeping

Can you wake me

You seem to have a broader sensibility

I'm just living on nerves and feelings

with a weak and lazy mind

And coming to people's parties

Fumbling deaf dumb and blind

I wish I had more sense of humor

Keeping the sadness at bay

Throwing the lightness on these things

Laughing it all away

Laughing it all away

Laughing it all away

Diary, today, I am not going to use my s**t as an excuse to wallow in self pity. I'm gonna try to throw some lightness on these "things".

That's it for now. Stay strong. Peace. joan

Hi Joan

Thanks for popping in and your kind words...you are doing great here Joan and its nice to see new names appearing on 1st page of the forum...

Its true sometimes you need to write when you least feel like it.

Am also looking forward to the weekend and the relief of switching my head off from reflecting...lol .thats the theory anyways...but relaxing is high on the list.

Its all Olympic mad over here and all of a sudden everyone seems to be jogging or riding bikes ...

I still drive to the post box...I can practically see it from my window!.lol

Not heard this Joni song before ...the lyrics say it all... its weird ..I wasn't keen on her voice when she was younger but now its changed and all deep and gravelly ....I love her voice now.

Cloud illusions....

Have a fun few days off work Joan..

Take care and keep posting.

.

R and D xx

Hi Joan,

I love reading your posts. You are so honest I can actually see into your life!

You really are doing so well........got big smile typing this hun!

I know that now is the "hard time" for you......how about trying to give yourself a treat.....A few posters on here swear by it!

You are a real asset to this forum

Hugs Sue xxxxxxxxx

Thanks for the encouragement (((Sue)))

Morning Diary - Day 11

Sigh.. wallow wallow wallow wallow.. I feel like I have peanut butter running thru my veins. I dont feel any urges to gamble but, then, I dont really feel anything at all. Well, that's not entirely true. There is always a little energy for self pity 🙂 When I get this way I try to start by remembering all that I have to be grateful for: my partner in life and in crime, my two dogs and my little mini lop bunny ( such a cranky little b**** -- she won't let anyone touch her. I love that about her!) My old dilapidated house. She keeps us safe and warm and dry. Got plenty to eat. Have a couple of really great friends. I've got tolerable neighbors. An old car that still gets me to where I need to go. This forum a virtual diamond mine for knowlege about addictions/recovery/support. I am good to go. I am not in a perfect mood. I am good to go though and that's something I guess for day 11. Best everyone. Peace. -joan

Hey Joan,

Added you to the 90 day thread :).

Not strictly within the criteria but you seem very determined to stop gambling and get your life back on track so def check in each Friday with us bet free. Good to have you on board.

Flagg

Good Morning Diary -- Day 12

the sound of silence seems to have "left it seeds while I was sleeping" again.. Gonna take a shower, wash my hair, put on a clean shirt and step into the daylight. I hope I don't burst into flames! lol. And NO, I did not f*****g gamble!! ahem.. peace all! 🙂

Hello my friend,

Wow....peeded off with myself.............was gona message you yest but was bit low.

Doing my rounds today and you beat me to it!

Thank you Joan xx

That sound of silence is an awesome song isn't it?

I was in America last year on 9/11 and saw Paul Simon sing it live on the TV for the memmorial service......always makes goose bumps appear..........Its on U tube if you didn't see it!

Anyway Joan.....hope you are ok and still fighting them demons.............Thinking of you

Hugs Sue xxxx

Thanks Sue. Yup.. still battling on..

Dear Diary: Day 13

thought I would light a candle and meditate for a bit. Did some breathing exercises and looked deeply into the flame. What I saw was a slot machine. Yup. My thoughts went directly to gambling. It was perfect humiliation. I realised in not thinking about gambling I am thinking about gambling! DENIAL: Do Not Even No I AM Lying

If I want to be on the other side of this -- I am going to actually have to walk through it. No getting around it. I'm okay. Just a little stunned that's all. I'm just remembering how masterful I am at stuffing my feelings. I have a very long road ahead of me. One day at a time. ga nite.

hay Joan...

One day at a time and your right,...sometimes it even as to be and hour or a minute at a time.

This is the right place to dump all those stuffed feelings my friend...I used to call them a d**k ...like a cross between a think and a dump...

Not sure if you use the services on here like net line or chat ..but they are very good by all accounts..guessing with time difference chat may be more difficult though.

Keep posting Joan...night night

R and D xx

Thanks for being there Rachel. My sincere hope is that someday I will be able to provide others the kind of support that you and others have given to me..

Hi Diary -- Day 14

I want to be running through fields of sunflowers under a clear blue sky but, instead it feels more like being trapped in a house of mirrors. Recovery from an addiction is a b**** sometimes. Patrice and I believe we are going thru a period of withdrawal right now. Me eating she smoking like a fiend. Itchy and scratchy over here.. lol.. Reflecting, reflecting --all reflection is not all bad. I am reminded that all or nothing thinking is s**t. When I look at myself in the mirror it is not all bad. I am a hopeful person. I am naturally curious. I feel sick as s**t today but, I believe that I/we are going to be ok eventually. I need to reflect on the idea of patience tonight. Patience as medicine. I am trying to heal from the inside out. I realise now that that is going to take time. I need patience. Patience with myself. Patience with the process. Love is patient.. Ga nite -joan

Hiya Joan ..

Thank you so much for your kind words there....i always read your diary even though sometimes I don't post as I can see these are your thoughts that are just flowing out when you write...

Patience ....Wow .. and I think your right, it goes hand in hand with trusting the process ....am doing baby steps on patience these days as I have always had none and want stuff to happen now,now now..

I think your doing great Joan and im so glad you joined the forum....you write really well and I can see that you are a real livewire with a great sense of humour.

Take it easy Joan and remember to be gentle with yourself during all the changes that your going through ...easier said than done I know...

night night Joan..

Rachel and Dotty xxxx wuff wuff.

Hi Joan,

Wow...I think you must be a professor........what an intellect you are!

You speak from deep within the soul.......Am trying so hard to understand your posts.......I do get them kinda of....but then i'm not sure!

Think you should of been a writer hun not a nurse!

Charlie Dickens....eat your heart out!

Hugs Sue xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Rachel and Sue. This would be an awfully lonely road to travel without you..

Good Morning Diary -- Day 16

I am one of those people who looks for love in all of the wrong places. Lately, I dont give too much thought to love at all. I am pretty jaded. last Saturday I went up to the lake with some friends. One of them has two little girls. They call me auntie joan. By late afternoon I had had enough sun and something that I had eaten had given me a terrible belly ache. So, I dragged myself to the car and waited for Patrice. I was sitting in the passenger side staring out of the window when a little hand appeared holding a very small plain looking stone. It was one of the girls -- the 4 year old. Reaching in and handing me the stone she said, "I found this for you auntie joan. It will make your belly feel better." I held that little stone in my hand the entire ride home and when we arrived I put it in my jewel box. Today, I was holding that little stone in my hand again, and a funny thing happened: these words that I had heard so many years ago, and somhow had forgotten, came to surface:

Love is patient and kind;

love is not jealous or boastful;

it is not arrogant or rude.

Love does not insist on its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

It does not rejoice at wrong,

but rejoices in the right.

Love bears all things,

believes all things,

hopes all things,

endures all things.

Love, never ends...

HI Joan,

Thanks so much for your post, What a beautiful post from you today for me it sumed up many things, I think when we gamble we lose touch with reality and we also dont appreciate "stone" moments, its those simple loving things in life that cost nothing that we miss when we are locked in the darkness that gambling brings.

Love never ends I realised that when my dad died suddenly last november, Well i am realising that it doesnt end just because hes not here anymore, that is what i hold onto its what keeps me going.

When i gambled I would never have "Felt these moments now im thankfull that i can good or bad. Im no longer numb from the waist up.

You take good care of that stone and yourself.

Blondie xx

Thanks so much for your post Blondie.

Good Morning Diary: Day 17

Will be off in a couple of hours to take mom to a doctor's appointment. It's Thursday today but, I don't feel the same feelings of dread that I used to about the weekend. The "itch" seems to be subsiding a bit. I am feeling hopeful today. I am trying to be more patient with the recovery process. I am trying to live in each moment. I will try not to be an angry bird today. Incoming!! BAM! No promises. I will try. All for now--joan