Angel From Montgomery

thanks for the post. yeah guess i know what ya mean when ya talk about the casino being some sort of reward for our hard work. lol kinda like working for nothing to say the least. yeah they reap the rewards as we bask in the bills i guess. lol a one sided friendship that will never have your back and dont mind sticking one in it.

glad ya got through pay day ok and making progress with them bills. guess im hoping this ban thing takes hold of my small mind and keeps me out thier doors. lol hell them bast-ards got my federal tax refund but my state refund still be safe since that dont come till tomorrow. lol yup i need that money more than they do and cant stand the thought of failing myself yet again. they won the battle for years but i havent surrendered yet.

keep staying strong

Hi Diary,

I need to make an effort to NOT watch the network news in the morning. It is so depressing. Price of gas supposed to go up to 5.00 and more tax sh it to come. I don't know how families survive in this economic climate. I really don't. What P i ss es me off the most is that the major oil companies are continuing to report billion dollar profits. w*f is that????? Anyway, feeling down today. Fighting gambling urges already and it's only 9AM. Anyway, I am sorry that I have no uplifting remarks for this posting. I hope every gambling casino and every gambling executive gets everything that is coming to them. 🙂 There now. That's like sending a Hallmark card to a despised relative that says "Thinking of You" with a blank inside. It does not say what I am thinking.. lol. -joanxx

Hi judy. Thanks for your message I hope I can learn from this mistake - it certainly was a big one. Progress not perfection is a good motto. I think I'm making progress but this addiction is certainly progressive and It has hit me hard this time but hopefully it'll be all the motivation I need to quit for good.

Bash those urges away. Trust me it hasn't got any better. It's a total waste of our time. Keep up the good work and thanks again for your support

Hi again

there is a saying 'happiness is a journey not a destination' which I was reminded of in your diary entry. My ex used to say 'where is this relationship going ' and I never understood why it had to 'go' anywhere, why it could not just be. Not sure what I am trying to explain but think we all have so much of ouselves to explore that we wouldn't know what the hell to do if we ever arrived at the 'destination' or if it is possible or necessary. Do you think it is possible to just 'be'?

Think you are doing an amazing job with all the cr** that has been thrown your way both in the past and recently and hope and wish that you can at some point begin to enjoy the journey.

xxx

Hi Joan,

Just a quick fly buy to say keep fighting those urges off with whatever it takes, I've seen lots of ways people fight them, some sing, others count, some exercise, some laugh, what ever your doing its working.

Keep going your doing just great.

Take care

Blondie xx

Thanks Blondie and Rainbows.

Hi Diary:

It's Wednesday. All seems to be well on my little planet this morning. I have work tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. I need to be busy. I am feeling better since I had parathyroid surgery. I have alot more energy. Sometimes I worry that if I do not mention gambling in my posts that I am not showing full committment to my recovery work. Here is the thing; for me, it is all about recovery. I am a whole person so, everything is relative to recovery at the moment. I think that is what gets me down from time to time. I cannot just sit in a corner and count the seconds and minutes and hours that I did not gamble. If I do that I am thinking/obsessing about gambling on some level even if it is subconscious. The subconscious is what I need to bring to the surface at these times. Rigorous honesty is not an easy state of being for me. I know how to hide and dodge and at times have elevated bul l shi tt ing to a science. Bul l shi t ology. I could be a bul l shi t olo gist. It saddens me that I cannot just type out these words. I wonder why words like gambling, bet, and slot machine do not get edited out? I find them obscene and offensive as hell! Oh well, that's me today. Trying to be honest. I am not all sunshine and honey today. I am not dark and brooding. I am awake, and alive on a Wednesday morning. I am curious and ready. I am a gambling addict trying to stop. That's me. -joanxx

Thanks again Joan,

You sound like you know what you want out of your recovery, that's great. I really like your last post, I'am learning the more honest I'am about my feelings the more it helps. I realize this is a lifetime commitment and you have to keep moving forward, good days or bad, it's much, much better then sitting in that dam casino wasting away. Stay strong and thanks for posting on my diary.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

bah ram ewe...to your breed your, fleece your clan be true....bah ram ewe xxxx

night hun....keep posting and keep being YOU.. xxxxx

R n D xx.

Hey Joan...

i may be 100% wrong here but the way i see it from being on here for over a year now reading posts from CG's in recovery....from what i can see is that gambling seems to be the symptom not the cause...

I guess using that analagy once the symptoms subside you have to look at whats going on underneath ...if you had chicken pox you could count spots all day but then at some point you have to deal with the virus which you are doing ....thats just popped into my head and i didnt think it through but you see what im saying....

Dont feel guilty about not making your posts relative to gambling....from the outside ,i see that as progress as your whole character is not gambling ...

Your real characters coming through now the gambling has stopped ..which is fab!!! ...thats the next layer of the onion being peeled off and the real Joan being able to breathe again.....gamble free.

Thats my take on it anyway...i could be wrong but the more you become filled up with the the real you the less of a gap gambling has to sneak in your life....

hugs

R and D xx

Morning Joan,

Agree with Rach in that it is irrelevant whether gambling gets mentioned in your diary day to day. Everyone has their own way in recovery and constantly talking about it can have a detrimental effect on some. Plus symptom not the cause is quite accurate and much of recovery is about stamping out our causes. It is your diary and you get it off your chest however you see fit. The important thing is you are not going back to gambling and you are finding your way of making sure that doesn't happen.

I love your honesty and I think you are a fantastic personality on this forum. Offering my continued best wishes to you!

Flagg

Hi Judy

Thanks for your kind comments on my diary. Good luck on your journey, stay positive & good things will come.

Hey Judy,

Just wanted to drop by and say hello. We have some off that good old Chicago weather headed are way tonite. Suppose to get up to 6 inches in some spots of Chicagoland. Well stay strong and true to yourself.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Thanks for the posts everybody!!

Hi Diary:

Work is starting to P is s me off. It's as if it is a crime to be happy. A crime to be satisfied and gratified. We must do something about this. We must sabotage and pile more work on her because she is just too da mn happy! That's what it feels like. I should be grateful for having a job in these times and I am grateful but, I deserve to be paid for the work that I do without feeling guilty for not doing more and more and more.. There are people over there that I swear do nothing and get paid. Second handers taking everybody else's ideas and presenting them as there own. Others who mess things up expecting others to clean up after them. People taking my tools and things that I need for my classes and not replacing them. I could be really happy at this job but, there always has to be some as s h o le that get's in the way. I guess that's life. It is nice to be able to just dump this stuff somewhere. I have stopped apologizing for not writing positive posts all of the time. It is just not possible. It is Friday. I am not gambling. My debts are being paid. Doing a little house keeping because in an hour or so my little niece will be dropped off for a sleep over. God help me.. lol. Lots of coloring and beading and cartoons.. That's a Friday night for this wild and crazy girl! -joanxx

Hey Judy,

Just wanted to stop by and say hello, at least your honest about your feelings, I feel that's part of are recovery process, learning to be honest with ourselves and others about feelings and life in general. Hey remember the blizzard of 79? That was a real good one also, I was 10 then, but I sure remember it. We had this great hill my dad use to take us brothers to, and we would sled for hours, funney how the cold and snow didn't bother us as kids back then. Many great memories with pops. Anyhow hope all is well with you, and stay strong.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Adding to your nostalgia here Joan xxx

David sanborn.

Chicago song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…;feature=youtube_gdata_player

R and d xx

Feeling all American today...gonna hop over to my west coast tunes now with a few Michael franks tunes xx