Angel From Montgomery

Hey ..our posts crossed over there x

Well we must be on the same page today and used the quote with the fool and his money a few messages back. Lol was pay day too for me well Thursday and yeah always seems to be a challenge not depositing it into the casinos piggy bank instead of mine. We do work hard for our cash and guess we need to make our own dreams come true instead of those who already took it from us. Lol yeah they sure aren't here for us in our times of need are they? Lol glad ya stayed away

Hey Joan,

Way to stay focused on payday. Sounds like your doing great. Paydays were a big casino day for me in the past also. NO MORE! To much hard work put into this whole process called recovery, to go back to those days. Well done.

Chicagoguy

Hi Joan,

Just popping in2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I am thinking of u 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxx

Hope all is going good for you. Wednesday and the weekend not getting here soon enough for me. Seems like a long week with little sleep involved so yeah cant wait to sleep that weekend away. Lol

Hi Joan,

Just dropping in to wish you well.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Rach, Chicago, Blondie, Charlotte, Broken, just want to thank you all for your support -- even when I am not at my best. Thank you so much for being there and not judging me. I will try to get back to posting real soon.

That's right Diary,

I am not always sunshine and lollipops. I am not gambing and it is my desire to stop and work on recovery that gives me the right to keep reading and writing. That is for anyone dear reader who feels intimidated from time to time to "feel" to "react" to be "human". I have been pre occupied with work all week so have not had time to bother with gambling. I still get the urges and probably always will but, I have come a long long way from where I was. When I first started posting on this site I was very aware of what I was saying and was very careful to be politically correct and to "appear" as positive as possible. I can have some very positive moments and I know that when I am feeling negative and reactive and resentful that I am in danger of falling down and repeating the cycle. I am no longer worried about who reads my diary and who does not. I am eternally grateful to all who have, and continue to support me no matter what. It was so nice to hear from you Charlotte!! Yes, this week people have really disappointed me and pi ss ed me off. Whatever. God grant me the serenity... Today, I am feeling ok. I am financially stable -- for now. I will always be plagued by temptation. I will do my best to make the best choice for me and those I love. I feel a little like Johnny Cash today. I am the cowgirl who wears black for all of those who try and fail but have the courage to try try again. We learn from our failures. I feel a new thread name coming on.. 😀 No gambling today -- I have to shovel through 2 new feet of freshly fallen snow. It is really beautiful really really beautiful but a bi t ch to drive in! - joanxxx

Hey Joan,

Thanks for the kind words, I'am looking forward to my grilled chicken breast sandwich at this greek joint were going to. Keep on being you and true to yourself. This is a great place to be honest about your feelings, and I support whatever you my feel or say on here. Stay strong and enjoy your weekend.

Chicagoguy

2 feet of snow! Geee I'm glad I dont live by you cause im sure ild be out there lifting it about now. Lol a bright sunny day here in wisconsin which I hope melts the miserable stuff away. Lol got like some 3 foot high banks of the stuff surrounding these streets so that sun has got quite the job to do yet.

Glad all is going well for you on the gambling front and your keeping your cash where it belongs. Hope ya have a great weekend and better yet, you dont have to move a inch of that snow. Lol

Sending a virtual hot sticky toffee pudding to warm you up after all the snow shovelling (weight watchers of course).

Pouring with rain all day but who cares as no spending spree.

Stay safe and warm and thank you for your support, much appreciated as always.

xxx

Thank you Broken and Rainbows. I survived the latest blizzard.. Early Spring snow is easier to deal with because the snow and ice on the streets melt quicker and it is easier to get around..

Anyway, Dear Diary:

It is Saturday. I did not gamble yesterday in spite of some pretty horrific urges. I swear I have said this before that for me the harder I work the more I look to gambling as some sort of reward. It is as if I can only remember winning. The problem is: I DO NOT WIN BECAUSE I DO NOT STOP. Irrational brain or as Rainbows has said, "monkey brain" please!! I can be so naturally open, creative, and loving and I can be dark, brooding, loathing and irrational.. I read Blondie's post today and I too am grateful because in spite of it all; I am alive. Here to see and be part of another day. Yeah, the snow is heavy but, it is beautiful and I am fit to move it. Yeah, work can be an uphill battle some days but, I am earning a living doing what I like doing. I am leaving in a bit to visit with my best friends and my little nieces. Sh it come what may. I will do my best to make the best choices for me and the ones I love. If I make a mistake I will get back up and start again. As long as I am living and trying I am not gambling or dying. -joanxxx

Hi again

Love that last sentence as so true.

You have managed to get through some really heavy S***e recently and after working so hard you really deserve to reward yourself. I have the same response - that a spending spree is a reward - how insane is that.

My friend I saw yesterday knew me thirty years ago and is trying to get me to paint again. No idea why I am reluctant, have lost my identity I think but she feels I could create a new one if I only started being creative again.

Am I worried about the cost of materials or finding the time - what a joke, how much time and money did I used to waste.

What I am trying to say is I hope you find a really special way of rewarding yourself and can spend some calm, if not happy, time in the near future as you certainly deserve it in so many ways.

xxx

Hey Joan,

Glad your staying strong in your conviction to not gamble. The urges come in many different forms, but were learning how to push them away. I had a interesting dream last night, I posted about it. Glad your snow is melting, ours is melting also, this weekend it's suppose to hit 50. Ia'm getting the itch to fish. Enjoy your weekend.

Chicagoguy

Thanks Rainbows and Chicago.

Hi Diary:

Monday morning. Just got P off to another work week "away". I am trying not to obsess about loss too much. I realize I am missing out on what is when focusing too much on what was. Sometimes I wonder sometimes if I over romantacize about what was as an excuse to minimize what is so that I have an excuse to be bored or maudlin so that I can fantasize more about and perhaps justify the quest for the big win. The big thrill. Living in the moment is no easy task that's for sure. At least not for me. I am mostly affraid and filled with dread. I have pockets and suit cases filled with sadness that I refuse to let go of. Weighted down so heavy -- the fantasy life

is so much more attractive. I know what to do. I need to set goals. I need to reach out to the future so that I can feel more in the present. The fantasy life that I had with gambling in it just does not suit me anymore. I am getting through the hours not gambling and I have gone many days but, I want to make some larger changes within so that I no longer need the fantasy. Not sure if I am making any sense here but, that is me today. I am thinking about a time when P and I can travel somewhere to the south west. I want to live somewhere where I can see the stars at night. Somewhere where I can see nothing but the open sky. If we start now we can make this retirment dream a reality. Gambing was a game for I played when I had no dreams of going anywhere. Today, I have a dream about going somewhere with P to retire. -joanxx

I'm back. Trying to change the title of my thread. Not sure if this will work. Anyway, I feel that I am at the beginning of a new trail and just wanted to memorialize it by starting off with a new name.. Will it work??