Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Ade and Duncs!!!

Good Morning Diary:

It's great sharing this journey with other like minded folks. I have learned alot over the last several months and thought I would make a list for myself:

1. l used to think that counting days was not for me. Now, I realize that for me, setting small attainable goals is a very helpful tool in recovery. The hours become days, the days become weeks, the weeks become months and the months God willing, become years.

2. I used to think that I could abstain for awhile and then reset my brain to have an occasional controlled bet. I now realize that can never happen for me. I am a gambling addict and cannot ever gamble because I will not stop. I will never win because I cannot stop. For me there is no point to gambling ever.

3. I used to think that my life would change dramatically if I could no longer gamble and I was right! It has changed but, in a surprisingly positive way. At first it was hard to be alone with myself and then I realized if I can't be alone with myself why the hell would anyone else want to be alone with me? I am learning how to live more fully in the moment and am realizing how much of life I missed out on not only while gambling but while numbing or trancing out. Life is not boring. I was boring!

4. I learned that my low grade depression and addictions were related to the shame and guilt I carried around because of unresolved pain, sadness, and rage, caused by childhood trauma. Once I reclaimed my boundaries and my wholeness I rediscovered that I was worthy of happiness, love, peace, success, abundance and the list is infinite. Did I feel from time to time a little challenged writing down my most personal thoughts on this diary? Yes. I learned that not everyone on this site is my friend AND, that is OK. I realized that when I first came here that I was pretty vulnerable and from time to time I can still be vulnerable and maybe overly sensitive. AND, that is OK. If I make a friend along the way that would be a bonus but, for me it is now all about recovery from an addiction and my plan is to keep it that way.

5. I learned that although we are for the most part, all here for the same reasons that, there are as many roads to recovery as there are CGs. I think I understand why some folks might come and go so quickly. Recovery for me happened in stages and what I learned was that I had to allow myself to fail in order to learn. Sometimes it was hard to read that others were making tremendous strides while I was walking in a circle. I would have moments where I actually felt contempt for people who were doing well! I was jealous. I wanted what they had but, I did'nt want to work for it. In addiction I expected to get without giving. Get without working. Recovery takes time, work, effort. I learned that I can have what they have if I am willing to do the work. If I am willing to committ myself to recovery. I tell myself everyday now, that day 1 or day 1000 today, we are all standing at the same crossroads. Do I gamble today, or do I say no? For me, it is and will always be one day at a time.

So, today. Do I gamble? Uh, hell to the no!Why??? Lastly, I am grateful for all of the folks that have shared and continue to share on thier diaries. I have learned so much about gambling, recovery, and myself. I will be eternally grateful for this site and all you good folks. -joanxxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Fishing has been great over here. Congrats on your 50 days in abstinence. Hope the fishing gets better for you. Thank you for all your support to me.

Chicagoguy

Morning Joan

Just loved that last post , can relate to lots of what u say , I fully agree with we are all only as good as our last bet no matter where we are with our recoveries day 1 or day 1000,all recoveries are different ours I would say is very similar both experiencing relapses but def learning from them

Its a real comfort to know someone who feels the same and more importantly want to do something bout it ,sharing our journey together always gives me hope esp on the tough days

For that thank u

Castle2

Hi Diary:

2 days until goal of 8 weeks and 4 paydays. I'm feeling good today and more and more like I can really do this. I cannot say I have no thoughts about gambling but, have no intention of acting on them. Just logging onto this site can bring up some stuff for me but, I still think that it is an important piece in my recovery so far, so will continue to document my progress. Communication between me and my mom is getting better every day. She is fully aware of my gambling history and we have had many conversations about addiction because it is so rampant in my family. I believe with my heart and soul that each of my parents did the best with what they had to work with. And, it's OK for me to believe that. I got an amazing sense of humor and a good brain out of the deal. I'm grateful. P has been away on business and will return home today. I am looking forward to that! Today, I am remembering what it was like trying to drag myself through the first few hours of sobriety and how it felt almost impossible to imagine a life without gambling in it. I never want to forget that. Thank -you: patience, commitment, humility, P, mom, and Ed. Ed.....................................

-joanxxxxxx

Sounds like a good experience for you to be able to discuss with your Mum. Mine would be horrified at my thoughts as she has never acknowledged any problem and never will so no point going there again. I feel she knows inside though as she tries to make up financially but too little too late. We just interact superficially now so as not to cause ripples in the family and as you say I guess she did her best but too scared to look inside family addictions.

A friend at work who is my daughters age said to me today that her father has Parkinsons disease, but it's ok as he is really happy. Summed it up for me, we can cope with anything if we are happy. Enjoy your evening.

xxx

Thanks for your thoughts Rainbows. Always appreciated.

Hi Diary,

Day 55 and I'm still alive. Gamble free.

-joanxxxxxx

Hi Joan,

Day 55... You go girl !!

Its warms my heart to see your posts and that you are making progress. I Hope that continues for you.. You have earnt it

Blondie xxx

Day 55 that's brilliant. Thanks for your post its great to back here. Loving the support. Take care and have a great gamble free weekend.

Thanks Blondie and Dave!!

Hi Diary:

House keeping done. Grass cut. Hair washed. All set to receive the little one for a sleep over. Will be dining on macaroni and cheese and weenies tonight. YUM! lol. Gonna keep it simple. The temperature hit 80 degrees today!! So, gonna keep the oven off. No gambling urges to get me down and even if they do come lurking around I will just tell them,"be gone you have no power here!! " Have a great weekend everybody! -joanxxxxxx

Joan.

Great post, abstinence comes in many forms just for today yours comes in a delightful little package and mac and cheese to boot!!

Absolutly fantastic!!!

Keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

So true Duncs. A couple of years ago I would have been sitting in front of a slot machine sometimes for 24 hours straight. Giving to get something. Being here for this kid and her mom these days has brought millions in returns. Giving without the expectation of getting something in return is one of the biggest lessons learned. Giving is not always money, it's time, and 'being there' mindfully and heartfully. I get that. Self indulgence is self indulgence any way you look at it: whether you are a suffering artist smearing elephant poo on a canvass and calling it art, a drunk in a midnight choir,or an eternal victim.... I am pretty certain that at one time or another I was all of them..

Keep your thoughts positive

because your thoughts

become your words.

Keep your words positive

because your behavior

becomes your habits.

Keep your habits positive

because your habits

become your values.

Keep your values positive

because your values

become your destiny.

-Mahatma Gandhi

8 weeks 4 pay days gamble free. Today, I don't need to fake it. I am here, I am calm and for the moment serenity is mine. -joanxxxxx

Hmmm let me try that again:

Keep your thoughts positive

because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior.

Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits.

keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.

-Mahatma Gandhi

I think I got it right this time. lol. If I am gonna quote sombody I need to get it right.. -joanxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Love that quote from Gandi, just wrote it out on a sticky note and put it on my computer, so I can look at it everyday. Thanks, hope your doing great and have a awesome weekend.

Chicagoguy

Hey Chicago, glad you liked it. I liked it too.

Hey Diary:

My next goal is 10 weeks and 5 paydays. I guess I count paydays now because I am keeping a running tab on the amount of money I have now that I don't waste it on gambling. I pretty much try to keep my personal thoughts separate from comments to others but, am thinking that by no fault of our own our thoughts comments and written words somehow overflow and perhaps even leach into eachother's diaries. For this reason I have decided to end mine today. I have learned a tremendous amount from this forum as Duncs says from either side of the fence. I never really understood exactly what that meant but, back in the day, recovering addicts went to meetings and if they wanted to could choose to go to either opened or closed meetings. This on line thing is different and believe me had it not been for it GC that is, I would still be in alot of trouble. I am thinking it just may not be for me. I am by no means completely out of the woods but, I am on a good solid path now. I think I am gonna be ok and might even go on to GA if needed. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart and wish you all continued success on your journey(s). One day at a time. We can do this!! Just wanted to add that if I ever came across preachy in any of my posts to any one of you at any time that was never my intention and I sincerely apologize for that.

-joanxxxxxxxxx

Yo,

It's with sadness I hear you are leaving . But as you know I am a staunch believer in do what works for you .

You have shown me tremendous support during your time here and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart .

I have many times been inspired by posts , and have told you that have always related on a personal level to your words .

Nothing left to say , except I wish you everything you wish for yourself and know you have the strength and tenacity to see those wishes come to fruition .

Take care Hun , a great big fat gynormous hug from across the pond to send you on your way .

Shiny

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx