Angel From Montgomery

Joan.

it fills me with sadness that your leaving the forum, but like our shiny friend i simply wish you well.

your imput has been fantastic and always from the heart.

the forum has a format were we all interact, from that you take what's useful and bin the rest.

no judging or criticizing is a huge lesson i have taken.

i hope you took as much as you put in.

i wish you and P well and every time i brew a coffee i will smile and think of you.

don't forget like Ga the door always revolving.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan

Shiny and Duncs have said it all far better than I can.

Will miss you like crazy and only hope I have never caused any distress for you in anything I have said on your diary.

I you and P ever decide to pop over to the uk please come back on here and let me know as would love to chat in the real world and I can even offer fishing, if in the rain no doubt.

Be happy

xxx

Hi Joan,

So sad 2 read u r leaving the forum but u must do wot is rite 4 u.

U r a very strong lady, u have gave me lots of hope and support. So thank u from the bottom of my heart.

Take care and stay strong xxxxxxxx

Thanks Shiny, Duncs, Rainbows and Charlotte.

I had a long talk with Patrice last night who by the way was going to log onto the forum under her own thread name. I appreciated the thought but, decided instead to reflect on what a few of my friends said and that was to do what was best for me. To do what I needed to do no matter what. This diary has been a life line for me. A place to go when I felt the magnetic pull of despair. It in some ways has become habit to log in here. Just as visiting certain diaries once was. It became habit. I am a very sensitive person and always have been. I learned how to be a beast and covered myself in thick armor. I am talking a very thick layered look. 🙂 I have discovered recently that habitually checking in on some diaries is no longer good for me. I was feeling rageful and that is counter productive in my recovery. I am not a perfect person but, I have earned my right to be here. I am not a huge fan of sitting by idle while I sense an injustice near by. My tendency is to become the protector. That was one of my duties growing up in a very very controlled chaotic family. But, Duncs, your words have clarified the intentions of this site a little bit more for me and I appreciated that. I may need a trash can the size of the state of Texas for awhile but that's ok. I just purchased one and have already set it up. I am better since I joined this forum. I am healing. I am recovering. I do not need to apologize for that. I now realize that my words on this diary once spilled may be used in any way shape or form. When I said it was hard for me to let go I was not kidding. Is it humiliating to learn lessons out loud in front of a crowd as an adult? Ironically, I tell my students that it is ok to make mistakes and to fail. It is how we learn. Today, my diary is a no guilt no shame zone. That's the whole point of this diary for me. I don't need to change my name or my thread name. I do not need my partner riding to my rescue although I appreciate the intention. These words on my diary once put into print are no longer mine and mine alone but, my thoughts, my intentions, my heart, my soul, and my mind belong to me and my spirit is fully in tact today as are my boundaries. I may need to run away from time to time because I refuse to humiliate myself by lashing out at others. Instead of getting dramatic and all drama queen about it, I can just say no. I can just stay away. Still standing with a little help from my bestie. My partner in life and in crime. Ms. Patrice today I salute you!! Thanks for the flashlight and the ladder and the cross bow but I probably won't need it!! My next goal is 10 weeks and 5 paydays. Signing off for now. -joanxxxxx

I just had a twilight zone moment. I'm sitting here at my desk writing and my mom is quietly reading over my shoulder!! AHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGG!!!! I do not have the option of putting her into a nursing home or driving over her with my car. I'm broke and I do not want to go to jail. She is here to stay. I just realized what has been driving me nuts!!!! It has been all about boundaries. I did alot of work in 1:1 therapy but, never really connected with the abuse. With mom right here right now we have had opportunities to talk about it all and still, the hurt remains. I am less angry, and working on the resentment because it is poison for me and we have some really good talks BUT, I don't think that my brothers and I will ever understand how she could use us as human shields. I don't think we will ever forget that. As hard as we try I don't think it will ever be possible to forget. What my dad did was bad but, what she did not do was probably worse and she is paying a dear price for it. Yesterday was Mothers Day here and only one son called her and that was at the end of the day. The other, the youngest did not bother and Ed of course is gone. Had he been here he would have called her but, probably drunk and would no doubt rage at her and hang up the phone. Ever since I stopped gambling and got serious about recovery this garbage has been floating to the surface. I struggled with writing it down because I felt attatched to the words. This was a secret that I told and when I say controlled chaos I mean we always looked like we were being taken care of but, there was little or no safety inside of our childhood home. Clean clothes, full stomachs, but, emotional safety? Not so much. I remember being five years old and in kindergarten. We had an old bi t ch for a teacher. We were all scared to ask her anything. One day I had to pee but, told myself hold it in girl. By doing so my poor little bladder gave out and I wound up sitting in a cold puddle of pee. Of course teacher sends me to the toilet wet and humiliated I went but, will always remember how I felt. What the hell was the point? I have been feeling very unsafe lately and exposed but, it is noone on this forum's fault. I am sitting in a puddle of cold pee today. This is my shame again and I own it, and I am doing my best to push through it. I hate this process sometimes but, this diary as I have said is my lifeline. I am learning out loud and there are days when I really hate it but, have to even if it means I have to pee on myself a little. I used to gamble when feelings like this came up. I know why Ed turned to alcohol and chose it over everything including his own life. I don't have to like it, but, I understand it better. Unfortunately, I am more comfortable with chaos and addiction and I defend it out of habit; out of duty. These as s hol es were my family. -joanxxxxx

Yo,

Good afternoon . My thoughts on your post .

As a child we were taught from a very early age . Not to show any weakness to the outside world . How we were perceived by everyone was of great importance to my mother . Years later it was pretty obvious that my mum suffered from serious mental health problems . But it was never discussed because once it was out in the open we became less than the perfect family my mother and father wished to portray .

Your sitting in pee story once again hit a spot with me . There have been numerous occations when I have been positively drowning in pee ( so to speak lol)

This made it impossible to ask for help , because in needing help it showed weakness .

It took me having a nervous breakdown , to ask for that help . And a thunder bolt from the heavens did not disend on me when I did .

I still struggle daily , not to show weakness , but I am getting there .

I believe you are too . Getting the things out in the open instead of locked in that box , helps us to start to adress the s***t which will only follow us all our lives if we do not . we both deserve a better life , its hard work but we will both get there .

Sorry if I hijacked your thread , but once again you have this amazing way of putting into words what's inside myself .

For that I once again thank you !

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Thank you (((((Shiny))))) 🙂

So, the rest of the day is going well. Back to work tomorrow and will be teaching full classes for the next 3 weeks. I am feeling the usual dread but, am glad all the same because sitting around at home is not really what I need right now. I need to be busy. The dread is just transition from time off to time on. Transition is always a little bit of a bumpy pain the a ss. Always was. We are thinking about taking a trip to Florida this fall. Something to look forward to. The gamble free days are stacking up and the more I learn about why I turned to it in the first place the less of a hold it seems to have on me. Not cured by a long shot but, glad to be back on track. -joanxxxxx

Yo,

Hope you had a good day at work , and got into the swing of things without to much trouble .

Hugs

Shiny xxxxx

hey joan,

so glad your still around. :)))

A trip to florida sounds amazing, you should put it on your dream board.

Hope work goes well for you.

take care

blondie xxx

Loving the pee story, what a creative way to explain and as I can relate to what you said I can also identify this so often in the young people I work with.

I am exhausted but loving being back at work after so long, I find there are so many problems to solve that my mind is filled when I would otherwise be spending so win win situation. Also works in a mind over matter way with pain in my leg as well.

Visited Florida many years ago when my daughter was 2 so guess it would be unrecognisable now as with most places but remember the amazing weather and the sea. Spoke with my ex last night and think we may head for Portugal this year instead of Spain so looking forward to exploring new territory. His father was Portugese but left before he was born, strange that he might be sat next to him in a cafe and never know, life is strange sometimes.

Pouring with rain again here and has been very windy, def not fishing weather.

As Blondie says glad you are still about and hope all ok today.

xxx

Thanks for the posts gals much appreciated!! 🙂

I just got in so, a quick post tonight. I am exhausted but, the day moved along quickly. I guess I'm glad to be back at work. It's a good kind of tired. No time for any thoughts about gambling today. Will grab a quick supper and veg out in front of the tube for awhile. P and I are rediscovering Grey's Anatomy on NetFlix. I really loved the old gang. Take Care, joanxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Just stopping by to say hello, glad you and P are doing well. I've been out catching up on my fishing, we've had some beautiful weather this way. Take care.

Chicagoguy

Joan.

Those posts left this fella feeling all warm inside, thanks, keep doing what's good for you my friend, that is the most important thing.

Well done, your courage is to be admired.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Joan,

Glad your doing well, keeping real busy myself. Stay strong, thanks for the post.

Chicagoguy

Hey Joan,

Ooooohhhh Greys anatomy now thats a different forum altogether, me and shiny have had the Mac steamy or Mac Dreamy conversation many times lol.

You guys and girls over the pond sure know how to make a great drama... I am currently loving Touch. and house.. oh and lots more ...

Keeping busy is good but like all things we need some balance so snuggling up and watching greys sounds brilliant.

take care

Blondie xxx