Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Many thanks for your supportive post on my diary.

Well done on your continued abstinence and wishing you all the best for the weekend.

I have managed to stop the rot again. I was sucked back into the S***e that gambling is and struggled to find the strength to pull myself back to this forum. But I have now, and I feel so much better for it.

All gambling does is suck the life out of me.

I feel alive again going into the weekend.

Keep strong and take care.

Ade x ;0)

Thanks Rach and Ade!!

Dear Me:

11 weeks today and counting no gambling. Next goal 12 weeks and 6 paychecks. Had a marathon talk with mom today. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. It is helpful to be able to tell her how I feel but she still has her subtle ways of invalidating me. I understand Ed and what happened to him more and more every day. I believe with my heart and soul that he has been helping me since his passing. I feel ok but know that I have a long long way to go. Someday I will be ready to take the armor off. Lay the sword down and wash the war paint off of my face. It's just been so long and I'm getting tired. I would like to know what it's like to not be so vigillant, so cynical. Oh well... It's really hot today in the 90s I think so we are pretty stuck inside. That's ok. We are just laying low and taking it easy. I had a long week so do not feel like doing much anyway. I feel good about not gambling. No urges today although had the usual nagging Friday night you deserve a treat type urges.. I know the drill though. Gambling for me is really futility. I cannot win because I cannot stop. I stopped having fun at it years ago... Stay strong everybody and I will too. -joanxxxxx

Hey Joan

I only saw that you posted a second post on my diary just now! I dont know how I missed that....

Im also armoured Joan its gone on layer by layer in the last few years as I never was this way ..I used to have the attitude that I wasnt going to live in a prison just because I have been hurt and remain open hearted but this time I was pushed too far at an age where the stakes were a lot lot higher.

My age has had a lot to do with this as I could not afford the lossess and wont be able to recoup them...so thats why I cant afford to be nice now as it will mean I am at risk of something like this happening again,..

ive stopped beating myself up over forgiveness as for all of us its a solo journey....I got tired of feeling a failure ontop of a failure and it was making me more angry .

Ive accepted its me and the dog now and I wont be married or have kids or a man in my life....its sort of liberating in one way but also you have to carve a different path to give your life meaning.There must be other role models for women like me other than bitter old spinster lol ...as I know im not the only one.

Ive lost belief basically and too tired to set myself up for it all again ...being cynical for me helps as it keeps me grounded and free from more shocks..

Saying that im not negative ,.im quite strong today ...

Great to see the high temps over there...its sunny this morning and first day on my bike ..lol x

R and D xx

Joan

great post my dear friend. That armour and war paint is ever present in your life for good reason.

todays war is less about fighting life and more of fighting what's right.

you keep that helmet on my friend, you just took the playing card out the band, no joker here!! and replaced it with ed's

dogtags.

the jokes on gambling now.

for that be proud. of you i am emmencly.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan,

Thanks again for your kind supportive post.

Well done on making it 11 weeks, and ignoring those twisted 'give yourself a reward' thoughts that drift in now and again.

Keep strong cowgirl!!

Ade xx

Thanks Joan, think the problem was I felt too exhausted to be properly angry if that makes sense so failed big time.

Getting things back into perspective today as no financial damage done, just thinking what a ****** I am really but hey ho I live to fight another day and the world still turns.

Unproportinally upset about my swan family who have tapped on my window every day for the past two years, they were one of the few constants in my life and responded to a little love in such a simple way so just felt the unfairness. No need to tell you about that when you have experienced it at such mega volume yourself.

Weather perfect here for once so going to plant some more veggies today, determined to live the good life and become self sufficient.

Here's hoping you and P have been rewarded with a brill weekend in the sun with many, many more to come.

xxx

Thanks Rach, Duncs, Rainbows and Ade!!!

I had to edit out that last post because it was too much for me to even read. lol. -joanxxx

Morning Joan

Thanks for the post , I think we av so much mutual respect for each other esp in our recoveries with been different in many ways but similar in others , ultimately we av both been through the mill

U av such a strong character and av shown that on ur journey the fight in u is inspirational , that corner is starting to turn , 12 weeks is fantastic but what I take more from is when the times were harder u just didn't give up when u could av been forgiven for doin so , in my opinion thats what's make u stronger today and will carry u forward all the way to that better life we are all lookin for

Castle2

Joan.

I do get you, our lives different in many ways but common in others, communication stands out for me, my father is a compulsive gambler who never sought help, his answer was coiled inside his fist, used to mute any questions.

i grew to be seen and not heard.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but your mum like mine may find the shame she feels as the stumbling block between you, I know mine did. Honesty is a gift you have in abundance.

for me the important factor today which grew from your own efforts is the fear that addiction used to beat on you with is something you respect and don't hide from.

its there we all live in it, but today you have learnt to face it.

for that respect and honour.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

Hun I never read your post before you edited it. But I hope you found some release just by writing it .

I am so proud of you ( if that sounds condescending I apologise) You really are drilling down and throwing everything you have at this , I believe that this gives our recovery longevity .

So for today I just want to say keep on keeping on, cos 11 weeks shows that's it working and today be proud of yourself cos my dear dear friend you have every right to do so !

Probs fed up with my virtual hugs , but what the hell I am sending one away lol

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Castle, Duncs and Shiny! And, Shiny I never get tired of virtual hugs.

Hi Diary,

Yes, I did get alot off of my chest but still felt the need to edit. It was every bit about family stuff but, when I read it back to myself some of what I wrote made me cringe so, I pulled the plug on it. Today, it is rainy and probably will be all day. No problem for me though because I am off of work for the next few days. No problem sitting in the house. We cut the grass in record time last night and I am feeling it today. It's monday morning and we have money in the bank. That was never the case back in the day. Had we been gambling all weekend I would be sitting here buzzing on the inside and feverishly trying to crunch the numbers. We would have to make due with what we had in the freezer and pantry and god knows what we would do for gas money. When I look back on it I do not wonder what we were thinking anymore. We were not thinking. Gamblers in addiction are blinded. When a person gets involved with the wrong person everybody else sees it but the person getting involved. And, you cannot tell them anything because they won't hear it. f***f this is my life blah blah blah.. That was me with gambling. I can do this. I deserve to have a little fun. This helps me blow off steam. It's my money my right to spend it any way I choose. Now, I realize the truth is: it's not fun and has not been fun for many years - It only distracts me temporarily and whatever I was trying to run away from is not only still there but, feeling like a loser only made it feel worse. It was my money and any fantasies about winning was just that. A fantasy because I could never stop. I would win only to gamble my winnings until my pockets were completely emptied. I might even draw out more after that. Today, that is not the case. I still have pressures, and am occasionally haunted by shadows from the past. I am learning to live with these without a crutch or analgesia. I find that breathing exercises really work for me. Destruction of property and hurting folks with my words -- not so much. Hitting the pause button, writing on my diary works for me. Binge eating, and sulking -- not so much. For me, it's not about stuffing feelings but, it is about taming reactions. I realized that for me addiction will always be dogging me but, it's not hopeless. I can take control. Where gambling is concerned I win if I don't gamble. It's as simple as that. The urges to do it on some days are much stronger than on other days. When I am busy they are almost non existant. Lastly, I tell myself that a blip is just a blip. Not the end of the world. Taking the power out of a blip for me has helped me resist the urge to blip. What's the d**n point? I cannot win because I cannot stop. Why f***k ing bother with it then?? For me, gambling is a symptom of a much deeper problem. Get at the core and dig it out. Remove the reason why I think I should gamble in the first place. I gamble for the same reasons that I drank. Yesterday I wrote a post about my mother that I thought was ugly in spots. The gist of it was; at 53 I have discovered that I have compassion for her because she is an old woman with little or no resources. She feels very entitled in a world that has decided to change it's tune about entitlement. I have compassion but, I don't think I can love her the way a daughter should love her mother. I believe that she rejected us a long time ago. She chose to save her own skin at the expense of our sometimes physical safety and most times emotional safety. I don't hate her but, I can't love her either and that is a difficult pill to swallow. Why is it important for me to say this? I think trying to force myself to feel love for her now, is what is making me so angry. I cannot forgive her for not protecting us. I guess that's the bottom line. But, I can forgive myself for not loving her the way I should - the way "I'm spozed to". I can provide a home for her now and provide for her needs. I don't have to stuff my anger because I no longer have to feel angry. I can be the person for her that she could not be for me because I am me and not her. This may all sound nutty but, I get it and I guess that's all that really matters here. So, that's me on this fine rainy Monday morning in Massachusetts. -joanxxxxxx

Hi Joan,

Thank you yet again for taking the time to post on my diary. Your support is very welcome indeed.

I really hope that writing your last post has had a good effect on you. It's great to get things down in your diary, and I can tell from reading that post that it truly comes from the heart.

We may not have the answers to a lot of why we did what we did when we were doing our best to destroy our lives through gambling. But we can shape our future with clearer heads and try to put some degree of perspective on our lives, etc...

Keep strong cowgirl

Ade x

Thanks Ade!!

Hello Diary my old friend... I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping... left it's seeds while I was sleeping and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains...

Day 81:

Ok trying this again. No use. I am just really struggling at the moment... -joanxxxx

It is still Day 81 and I am slowly but surely pulling my head out of my a ss. I have no intention of gambling. Sometimes the irrational thoughts get overwhelming and I just need to get a grip. So, my grip is got and I'm ready to get on with it. I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. -joanxxxx

Joan.

Sounds of silence....

The silent sneaky devious knows no boundaries, plays by no rules and will try anything to take hold of our weakness.

That is the compulsion to gamble, a toxic evil addiction that we face each day, at times it seems to hold all the power, beyond our control it trys to use its powers to blind our vision to tempt us back.

The results are always devastating, it robs our self respect and delivers us back to despair.

I wrestle those thoughts, no more than days like today, when intoxicated on medication it trys to unlock the doors and let the tidal wave of destruction in.

To flood my existence, drown my resolve.

Well I value this forum like never before, i won't be blinded by its fools gold.

I like you my dear friend did win because i did stop.

Today Joan bask in the light, the greater good that is

Abstinence.

Thankyou for sharing your lights guide.those gambling goggles don't suit us, we found through each other a choice to behold.

No bet today

duncs stepping forward never back.