Angel From Montgomery

Hi there Joan

I did read your entry before you deleted it and think you are an amazing lady.

I can cope with my mother for a week at the longest before I am tempted to get the baseball bat out - and me a social worker, so just do flying overnight visits to see her. She lives miles away and refuses to move nearer which adds to the problem. My grandmother lived with us for 60 years and I am sure added to my mother's mental health problems, I think people underestimate the impact of caring for a different generation when there have been issues in the past.

Have told my kids I will jump in the river if they ever try to 'care' for me but that's another story.

Wish I could write with the clarity and imagination that you and Duncs can but here's hoping life is becoming balanced again for you and sending hugs down the river and across the sea.

xxx

Hi Joan,

When we are feeling vunerable and we start to look at the things we no made us gamble its difficult but for me its been necessary , its sometimes a catch 22 for me, i have to deal with how im feeling , or past events that have affected me but when i do the urges and thoughts to gamble can be really bad.

But one thing I can say is, it takes bravery and courage to do what your doing , i found after my councelling that i felt like a car crash victim for a few days after, so your bound to feel sh*tty, but YOUR BRAVE, Your facing it, your dealing with it, bit by bit, step by step, and by dealing with it eventually you will better understand it , accept it , and perhaps even be ok with it.

We are human joan, we are not perfect and our imperfections make us beautiful xxxxxx

Hi again. Write whatever you want on my diary, love to hear from you.

Know just what you mean, my sister left home at sixteen to get away and when my brother calls my mum he has a go at her every time.

Think despite everything I have always wanted her approval as nothing I ever did seemed good enough - how sad is that. Zees life is complicated

xxx

Hey Joan

Just had another read of your long post as I have read it a few times and I know as with all your posts its come straight from the heart...

"I cannot forgive her for not protecting us " ....your post to me now means so much more as I totally get it and understand what you meant.

I know now that you have been on the same path of forcing forgivness when you dont feel it but have also come to the same conclusion that we dont have to....we have the choice ...and perhaps somedays you have more compassion as I do and then others flip into anger.

My original pain of non protection also was from childhood but got reactivated with my ex...it was dormant for years and then it came back...

Im glad you also get about understanding with your head but not forgiving with your heart as some days I get so mad at myself for being blocked ....I think deep down it is unforgiveness but also not wanting to be vulnerable again with a person that has the power to cause you pain...not forgiving acts as a barrier to keep safe behind.

Even though we are capable of looking after ourselves as adults it doesnt take away the feelings of being abandoned,...my exes gambling reactivated all my abandonment stuff as I felt unprotected all over again and safe only on my own.

Thank you Joan for sharing your thoughts on here...it makes me feel less alone and reassurred that its not just me that struggles like this...

R and D xxxxx

Hey Joan,

Hope all is well with you, and your enjoying the nice weather. I'am back to fishing and enjoying it. Take care.

Chiacgoguy

Thanks everybody!!

Really, if it were not for this site I probably would have crumbled yesterday. It is obvious to me that time off is not always my friend. I look forward to a few days off but when I get them I wind up idle... And, when I idle I sound like a race car revving its engine until smoke starts billowing out from underneath the hood. So, once again, I am either going 0 or 60. Like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Mood up mood down; work like a maniac, then veg out like a sloth. In that moment of transition from maniac to sloth 0-60 when I fear I might just explode; I am either looking for some food to stuff into my face or some other drug like gambling to numb the process. There is a space in between 0 and 60 that I need to find. Like, numbers 1-59. That's a pretty big space. Then I need to figure out how to live there. Looks like I have got my work cut out for me. Seems like I know how to work but, relax not so much. Will have to think about that some more. I did not gamble but, I had some of the worst urges ever. Duncs, Rainbows, Blondie, and Rach thanks so much for being there and lifting me up. I was really taking a nose dive there. As painful as the last couple of days have been I had a pretty big break thru. I let go of the burden I was carrying around. It was like a stone tied around my neck. I realize now, that I can support, protect, and provide for mom's needs but, I do not have to beat myself up for not loving her. You know, I can actually look her in the eyes now. Empathy, and compassion I can now give freely because I acknowleged my true feelings. For a moment I gave them form and substance. The funny thing is what I needed from her all of those years was for her to just see me. That may never happen but, you know what? I see me! To some this must sound like a load of cr ap. It sounds like a load to me too at times but, if I don't do the work to exorcise this hell out of me I will wind up back where I was. In hell. And I vowed to do whatever it takes so that's me. In better shape today. Thanks to everyone! -joanxxxxxx

Hey Joan

This may be a load of shiteola but I shall speak from the heart...you do not have to love your mum in an affectionate way...fact is there are different types of love and in my book ..care, compassion and empathy and nursing your mum in dignity is actually a harder love...you are demonstrating a duty of care which is what your mum actually needs yet you are giving it without wanting anything back yourself.....

You know how I like to pull images from films , tv etc ...well I dont know if you ever watched s*x in the city but I was a big big fan.....

If you do remember those episodes or even have them...watch the one where Miranda is washing Steves Mum in the bath , the one where Steves mum goes to live with them as she has dementia ....Miranda did not like his mother yet she attended to her personal needs with dignity and care ....

I hope that makes sense Joan and you know what ?? ..WE see you ...I know that doesnt make up for what you should have had as basic my lovely but its wasnt your fault....it was not your fault , the failing was not in you ......you did nothing wrong and you are and always will be enough......

((((J ))))))..

That crazy Brit xx

Joan.

Stand back and take a bow.

My dear friend, when you put in to something your heart and soul, when above all else you believe in yourself, when you stand up to be counted, stare adversity in the eye and admit your failings, learn from them and against all odds and temptation don't buckle or take short cuts then i believe you have found recovery.

Most of all you made peace with yourself.

A tear rolls down this big hard fella's face.

One with nothing to be ashamed of because its one of immense pride.

Just for today lets believe together.

Our tomorrow the brighter for it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

((((Rach)))), ((((Duncs)))), now I'm crying... I think we might be having a Breakfast Club moment. lol. Honestly, I am overwhelmed in a good way for a change. -joanxxxxxxx!!

Hi Joan,

Keep strong cowgirl! You are doing the right thing in getting it all down in your diary. Post away and let it all out.

It really does help. Not just now, but in the weeks and months to come when you can read back through your diary and see how well you did to ride through this rocky terrain.

Keep smiling girl and keep strong.

Take care

Ade xx ;0)

Hi Joan,

I'm not always gr8 with words and I really don't wanna say the wrong thing. But I read ur last posts and have so much respect 4 u and ur honesty!

I just wanna send u a huge hug, and let u know I'm thinking of u 🙂

Stay strong xx

Thanks Ade and Charlotte!!

Hi Diary:

In a couple of days it will be 12 weeks and 6 paychecks. Not in the best space tonight but, resolved not to waste any of my hard earned on gambling tonight. Take care everybody! -joanxxxx

Joan.

Take a deep breathe, smell the sweet smell that abstinence gifts us.

Another goal stands in front of you.

With each one i see the bar lowered, at the beginning the posts were high, it took all you had to clear it, but clear it you did, moved the play forward and target after target you hit the bullseye.

Funny how my brain functions always looking for a new way to see things, to feed the positive thinking.

To top up the glass or mug of hot Joe!!

Tonight we are in my minds eye robin hood and his merry men!! The sheriff of the casino/ bookies taxed us, stole from us fed us enough that we couldn't help but run back to fill his coffers. Then we fought back, he can keep the gold, we took back the richest prize of all.

Our worth!!!

Keep shooting those targets, oh and just because the odd arrow in the sheriff's backside!!!

Because your worth it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs -- knowing you are nearby to lend a hand up when I am laying in the gutter -- words really cannot describe. So, grateful to have the support!!

Hi Diary,

I got through some hellish urges last night. I have been feeling a little wound up lately. It is all on me. Noone or nothing to blame but me. It ultimately comes down to me making a choice. I can experience the entire spectrum of feelings but, the bottom line is; what I decide to do about it. Nobody drags me by the nose to that brick and mortar. Lots of banter about controlled bets, boredom, and missing gambling -- giving me strange ideas that morph into three dementional fantasies with colors lights and sounds -- before I know it I am a legend in my own mind winning 10s of thousands. Then I sit down with my budget and realize that I have almost no expendable income at the moment. And, not only humbled but, given what I have done to get myself into this mess am grateful to be able to pay my debts! I despise the person I become when I am in a betting fever. For me it is a fantasy. I cannot win because I cannot stop. I have proven that over and over to myself. For me it is science now. I cannot win because I cannot stop. That outcome more predictable than the tides. By overcoming hellish urges I am the winner because I experienced hellish urges and kicked the m u ther f ers to the curb! I have to get ready to go to a meeting. I really don't like meetings but, I keep telling myself I am getting paid to sit on my duff so, should not complain. I am excited about Rainbows alternative naughty list and am hoping that I can convince Rach to write an alternate ending to The Stepford Wives. lol. Take care everybody. Will no doubt come home feeling brain dead but, will hope to be back to do some much needed reading and posting. Grateful today. -joanxxx

Joan.

You can't re write history, it's set in stone, we can't change what we have done, we can take what we have learnt and do the best we can by ourselves, the result is for me fulfillment, gambling made me a truly selfish bloke, justified by denying myself basic things, poor diet, threadbare clothes, no holidays or any possessions to treasure, the ever decreasing circle of addiction. Ultimately the end result was no self esteem and a very bitter view toward life, everyone except myself to blame for the constant sh#t. Duncs life as a compulsive gambler.

Today through recovery my glass is half full, i get up each morning smile look in the mirror and see today will be another day worth living.

I tell my wife, my heartbeat how much i love her, and set about making the best of what life puts my way.

I take great pleasure in the belonging to this forum, it gifts me every day more knowledge, resolve and to work in tandem with like minded folk who share a common goal.

There is no competition, we all have a choice to make each day we all start again.

The door revolves, folk come and go.

You have made the best use if the forum for you.

Keep doing it, me i will enjoy standing by your side.

Cup of Joe, and my whippets snuggled either side, still prostrate but a huge smile.

Well done Joan be proud and enjoy your weekend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.