Angel From Montgomery

We could use duck eggs to throw, plenty of them around here at the moment. Do miss the impulsive times, driving to the sea at midnight on a whim and other simple but daft stuff.

Like you say the demons are everywhere at the moment and exhausting fighting them at times but such a good feeling when you beat the b******s to a pulp.

I really appreciated your help the past few days as without it I would have dissapeared into the ether but instead return to fight another day standing waving from my deck garden amongst the butterflies and moths.

xxx

Hey Joan,

Hope all is going well for you. Have you done any fishing lately? It's great therapy for me being out with nature. Have a great weekend. Go Chicago Blackhawks!

Chicagoguy

Thanks everybody.

Diary:

today would have been 12 weeks and 6 paychecks but, it's not because last night I blew it. Not a huge bank buster but, what difference does it make? I blew it. Right at this moment I feel like a ss. I was going to write a bul l shi t post but, then decided that I would not let a slip take that away from me too. So, here I am in total shame. I did it and I cannot undo it. I don't know if total abstinence is possible for me. If I don't blow off steam every now and again I may eat myself to death. I guess that makes me a sloth or a coward or weak. I guess so. That's me today. -joanxxxx

((((J))))

...a slip not a fall.....no beating up on that great lady we all think the world of.....

I shall move over and let someone else say something better ..

R and D xxx

((((Rach))))) thankyou. I have alot of thoughts bottled up in my head right now,and my heart is heavy. I wish I could just spill my guts on here but, the same thing happened in therapy years ago. I would just sit there at times and stare at the floor. My thoughts and feelings get all bottled up. I didn't go all out. It was a slip and probably minor in the scheme of things... total abstinance for me starts to feel like having to maintain a straight A. Sometimes I think I cr ac k just to let some pressure out and light and air in. I am full of excuses I know. Addicts are liars yadda yadda yadda. And, this is perhaps all one giant rationalization But, I don't feel like a liar today. I feel like a very flawed human being. 12 weeks was the longest I ever went without a weekend stint at the brick and mortar. I have no interest in online stuff. I simply could care less about it. I am not a sports better. I don't even really care too much about sports in general. I am a slot J****E pure and simple. When I get started I cannot stop. I want to keep it going. I replaced the money I drew out. I did not continue although in truth I wanted to. Can I say no harm done? No. I cannot. I just could not stand the nagging urges anymore and I could not find anything to replace them with. I feel as equally gutted as you say when I overeat. Noone could have talked me out of it. Anyway, I don't want to wind anyone up with this post. I am not saying that what I did was right. What I am saying is that I could have just considered it a wash and continued my count because technically speaking, I did not spend a dime. My paycheck remains in tact. But, white washing it would be a lie. The line in the sand for me is lying and I won't do that anymore. So, I cr a ck ed. Am I even thinking about going back today? Honestly? No. Right now, I am trying manage the guilt and shame and honestly I think both are useless emotions. So, I am going to get washed up and ready for a picnic. Next goal 12 weeks and 7 paychecks. I lost a night not the whole enchilada. -joanxxxx

Yo,

You are soooooo right shame and guilt useless emotions .

Infact they act as petrol on the fire of our addiction .

We are addicts , we relapse . Fact .

It's what we do next that defines our recovery . ( in my opinion )

12 weeks is brilliant and should NOT be seen as anything different than a massive achievement .

The blip a bump in the road nothing more , keep striding forward Hun . There maybe more bumps but you and I both know that the straight road in between seems to stretch further as shown on so very many diaries . So no guilt , ok,

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Joan.

I wish i knew the answer but simply i don't.

we can only draw from lifes experiences.

here is a take on things, a fella in my ga about once every few months has a punt, nothing to financially damaging but a punt all the same.

why??

because for him it is his way of reminding himself how gambling is no good for him, he goes plays; keeps playing until he has lost enough to service his mindset.

he comes back to Ga is honest, then carries on with abstinence. is this the right way?? who am i to judge.

for him he doesn't get the whole ga program; hates computers and his view of counselling is pretty jaundice.

So it is his way of living with his own mind.

recovery is bespoke, do a way that suits you and your mind to be at peace with itself.

my wish we get to share the bond we enjoy, you enrich my life plain and simple.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Have just got home from looking after my brother's children and catching up as can't sleep.

I wonder if Duncs is right as each time I get to three months I blow it and that seems the right word as it is like a pressure cooker exploding. I have seen Castle write the same thing. Like you I never spend money on line it is the whole fantasy package of going out that is the attraction because I don't see the reality of the stinky, noisy hellhole that it really is.

Just worried that reading about my slip was a trigger as I know some people on here say that but guess we all need to come clean or the whole exercise would be pointless.

You have exorcised so many ghosts over the past few weeks I think it has been fantastic that you made it work for so long and know you will again. Each time I slip I learn more about myself as I am sure you do and just know there will come a day when we can celebrate beating this once and for all.

I am celebrating today as my swans that I thought had been eaten banged on my window this morning and absolutely no idea where the have been for the past two weeks. Such simple things make me happy some days.

Big deep breath and enjoy the rest of the weekend, we are all here for you, you have helped me so much recently wish I could do more.

xxx

xxx

Thank you Rach, Shiny, Duncs, and Rainbows!!

I went to that picnic by the lake yesterday and had a ball. Fried chicken, and fishing by a breezy but, lazy shoreline. Today, I sat in my backyard and although would have normally isolated decided this time to invite my mom for a cup of morning joe and a chat. Nothing to deep but, never small talk because neither of us are good at small talk. It was a nice. Today I am grateful for the unconditional support from my friends. Without you all I would have probaby sunk into the swamp of shame and given myself more excuses to do more of the same. Recovery is bespoke. When I gamble the temptation to continue until I fall flat is great. It was a slippery slope that I was scaling the other nite. What did I learn? Nothing that I did not already know. Shiny's repost to me pretty much said it all; I am an addict and will always be. Recovery is about what I feel, think, and do after a slip. I am here. Still standing. A little shaken but not in pieces. And Rainbows I get it. Folks might experience triggers when reading posts like ours but, agree with you 100% that for me this diary is about me, my experiences good, bad, or ugly. Duncs and Rach your unconditional support was a life saver tossed out with a strong sturdy rope attached and anchored in gentle reality. Mine for the taking and without judgement. There are no words to express my gratitude so will just leave it at that. Thank you for keeping a candle in the window. I am calm and in control today. No further gambling yesterday and none today. I have work coming up this week. I look forward to it because I will be busy. I am grateful for having a job as they are pretty scarce at least the kind I have. I also dread it because I am sensitive to stupidity and laziness which runs pretty rampant at the company I work for. I need thicker skin. Anyway, that's me on this beautiful Sunday morning. Calm and in control. -joanxxxxx P.S. I am feeling a little shy about writing on others diaries for the moment. I guess I feel a little dirty or unworthy... My problem I know but, thought it best to just spit it out.

Well, I did give into the temptation the other nite, that is true but, I also managed to stop - I guess I got lucky this time. I am fully aware that there were particular circumstances that factored into my ability to stop. Bottom line: It all came way too close. The fact remains that I cannot play at the brick and mortar because I cannot stop. What I am learning to do is fall down without the Catholic guilt. The self flagelation; which I believe is all a part of the same shame cycle I have been living in all of my life. I didn't get away with a d**n thing. I know that. My eyes are wide opened. Tonight, I remain clean and I am proud of that fact. -joanxxxxx

Joan ....this is probably not the right thing to say but as we know tact is not my strong point...

As I said to Irene a while ago there are some folks in life who no matter what they do its ok...because other parts of that person are so beautiful that it overides whatever their weaknesses are.

(((((J))))))

Xxx

Joan

When a child learns to ride a bike, sometimes they need stabilizers, some just get on and ride, some may never have a crash, others fall, break bones, some graze there knees.

from this we learn alot.

through it some become racers others ride for leisure, some prefer a trike to always give them stability.

I will tell you from this what i learn, they all will ride safer wearing a helmet, there's plenty of potholes out there and whichever mode we choose we all get to enjoy the wind in our hair.

I am not a referee and there's no better or worse way, you have a choice and i will forever be happy as long as you are.

that's the gift isn't it.

unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan,

Well done for sticking at it during what must be a difficult and stressful time for you, thanks also for your support on my diary it was much appreciated.

You slipped, a stumble but you picked yourself up, dusted your knees down and got on with the walk of life. On either side of you there are kind people to hold and support you, we are walking the same path, there are potholes on the way but they will never keep us down.

You are doing just great

Paulds

http://youtu.be/04854XqcfCY

We'll keep on fighting to the end!!!!!

xxxxxx

Thank you Rach, Duncs, Paulds, and Rainbows. Rach, I don't know if I deserved that but, sure felt good to hear. Duncs, your unconditional support means the world to me -- it really does. As proud as I am I still feel like cr ap for not being strong enough. It does not matter if I did not lose. What matters is I let myself down and feel less credible I guess. Paul it was sure great hearing from you and sounds like you are doing really well. Good for you fella. Rainbows, lol.. "its been no bed of roses no pleasure cruise" I loved it -- it was perfect. hit the nail right on the head... Hugs you guys.

Hi Diary,

Long day. Made it home. Will sit down for a nice supper with ma and P and then probably hit the sack early. No thoughts about gambling today but, when I am working I do not give it a seconds thought. The trouble comes on weekends and always has. I am a weekend slot w***e. I have managed to kick the weekend urges to the curb until this last Friday. No point reliving it. I cannot undo it. So I guess days of abstinence started again on Saturday making today day 3 I guess. Sooooooooooo depressing... -joanxxxxx