Angel From Montgomery

Just flying by to say hi.

xxx

Hi Judy

Keep fighting the fight sometimes thats all we can do , it takes great mental strength to keep bouncing back and strength is something u do av , keep looking at the big picture remember what u av been through it takes it toll at times at the end of the day we are only human and mistakes will be made

Its how we react to them and ur diary is an inspiration to everyone , when u get through this and u will what a life changing story it will be

Ride it out hang tough do what it takes u know how to do it and u won't go back u can't u av been through too much and got this far

So proud of u be kind to urself

Castle2

Thanks Castle, you are right. I do know how to do it... thanks, for posting.

Hi Diary,

I have been in a very dark space for the last several days. It's lonely and cold. What one could expect from a dark space I suppose. The picnic is in the sunshine. Somedays however, I can be at the same picnic freezing in the sunshine and nobody knows it. Yeah, poor poor me... I have days like that, what can I say? Folks on here including myself trying to understand why we do it in spite of knowing all of the facts -- and there is a different excuse or we can call it an explanation for every person on here I suppose. Some of it scientific, some of it specultation, some of it self depreciating, some of it misinformed cruel and accusatory.. Me, I know that I can sink into depression from time to time. I have tried to explain this place I can find myself in. And have tried to explain what the word escape means to me. I am a responsible adult too. I tow the go d dam n line every god dam n day. I am the go to family member. I am the go to friend. I have been dumped on and have gotten the raw end of the stick. At the end of the day. It is on me. And only me. I know I can't gamble and I know why not. But, I want to. I still want to. So, f***k me then. And the irony is that I have lost absolutely no money over this last episode. I f***k ing won money. I have been affraid to write those words for fear that someone will get p*s s ed off or worse triggered. But, I have to write these words. I have to. It is what happened. And, I know that I cannot go back. I will lose and I will not stop and I will be in hell. I got triggered and fell down and am now having a terrible time getting back up. I am not gambling but, I am not standing upright either. I'm sitting here in a dark space freezing in the sunshine. If you get it, great. If not. I have to say with all due respect. I do not care!!! I read things and I get triggered and at the end of the day. It is my problem. I have been experimenting so to speak for almost a year now. I am still trying to dig myself down to or rise up to whatever the living hell acceptance even means. I love the feeling of winning like the taste of certain foods. For me, accepting that I will never do it again for the rest of my life is like having a g-tube put into my belly and being told to accept I will never again chew or swallow food. There I said it. And, again, if you find this to be a poor me post I am sorry but, these are my feelings and I am tired of stuffing them for fear of offending someone! I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. I cannot drink because I cannot stop. I cannot over eat because I will be diabetic. I am obsessive and compulsive by nature because I was f uc ked with! And that is an excuse that I need somehow to rise above. And, now I have to be the perfect person. What a joke!! I am grateful everyday of my life that I did not wind up dead or in prison. I do have alot to be grateful for... I 'm just sick of apologizing to myself for falling down. I will probably wind up moderated for all of the swearing in this post. So, better get off before I go completely ballistic. It's just how I feel today. Ripped off all the way around. -joanxxxxx

So, I took a break from writing and came back and read my last post and can see the denial embedded in between the lines. What is it about this sh it? What is it about me? All I can think at this moment is how damageing negativity is and yet I am cuddling it. I am in darkness and I am just slipping and sliding around in this stinking mud down in this pit that I put myself in. I am telling lies to myself and believing them. God, where is the light today? In the past I would slip but, my slip would result in a total loss. I could come crawling back on my belly all contrite and start the count from day 1 and be okay with that. Today, it feels different. I am fighting the pull. The gravity. I am aware and I am angry and disappointed at myself for being addicted to pretty much everything and the anger isnt helping. It's just hurting. I don't like feeling sadness. I am more comfortable with anger. It suits me. But, I have been in the process of taking the layers of armor off. Part of the cycle for me is doing the 'bad' so that I can beat myself up to feel that glorious pain. Pain is what I am most familiar with. I am so sick of reliving the past and what I am seeing are the two people who formed me locked into that sado masochistic dance. I just want to be free of it all. I just want to feel unashamed, and clean for once. Just once. It's not about the money. I use these things to hurt myself. I gotta get myself out of this pit today. -joan

So decided to get busy cleaning the house. At first felt overwhelming but working up an honest sweat did help a bit. I feel like I am beginning to surface. I'm like a sponge I guess. I take alot in and do not realize just how much. Other folks talk about work stresses. My stress level has come down considerably but if I think about it I had a pretty obnoxious class this time around. Lots of entitled little twits who think they should win a prize or a pat on the back without achieving anything. My generation was called the "me" generation. I wonder what they will call this one.... Anyway, I am rambling today, but, it keeps me busy in between cleaning projects. I can't tell if I am out of the gambling woods yet but, I am honestly trying to be.

Feel as much use as a chocolate teapot finding words to support you at the moment as understand completely what you are saying as so similar to my addictive personality and there is no magic answer as you know, just have to ride out the nasties till the better stuff returns and it will as it has before.

So for now sending wishes and hugs and listening.

xxx

Thanks Rainbows. I think just knowing that there are others who understand is enough said. I appreciate the thoughts Rainbows. I really do.

So, got alot of cleaning done today. My little niece is coming for a sleep over tomorrow night. P is on her way home from the Cape. So will be enjoying a hot bowl of chilli mac in an hour or so. Still pushing through some rough urges. Reading Ade's post on dopamine had a pretty calming effect. I know it is more for me than just weakness or behaviour. Much more. The hard part is coming back here and trying to "fit in". All complete nonsense and in my own mind but, just putting it out there for myself to read and hopefully laugh at some day. For awhile there I thought that I was feeling the presence of Ed's soul. I feel like I might be losing him all over again. Guilt for saving myself and for not knowing how to save him seeps in every now and then. Then a blast of freezing cold reality and I am suddenly awakened to the sadness that I try really hard to push away. I would much rather be productive and low grade p*s s ed off. I perseverate about loss and think to myself if I ever lost P I would probably lose my mind altogether. Not a good thing I know to be so dependent on another. I am not a leech or anything like that. We are just very very close like Thelma and Louise or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Peanut butter and Jelly. Loss scares the hell out of me and paralyzes me at times. Oh well, just killing a little time before the evening starts. I don't want to gamble. I am trying to say no. One day at a time. -joan

Hi Diary:

Friday - the only day that matters...

I read something this morning that really resonated with me. Three possible thought patterns:

Gambling is good.

Gambling is bad.

Not gambling is good.

Looking back over the last 12 weeks without gambling in it I was happy and calm. I let gambling back into my life literally for a nanosecond and it's back to the same shame spiral and feeling like sh it. When I do not gamble I win. I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. I need to start focusing again. When I get bored I sometimes turn to this diary as an escape and sometimes for me, it reads like Peyton Place. This morning I read something that really triggered something positive in my brain for a change. I feel stronger this morning. I am beginning to remember the point and that is to stay clean because clean is good for joan. It is sooooo simple and yet soooo allusive.

Inventory:

No major damage done.

I have no kids to mess up.

My partner and I do not lie to eachother about gambling or money. We do the deed together or not at all.

I have no credit cards because I cut them all up and closed out the accounts almost 2 years ago. We have paid off half of a 30,000.00 gambling debt.

I am here and alive and that is something to be grateful for.

I am human therefore I am flawed.

I am a gambling addict and therefore am set up to fall. The key is to remain vigillant at all times.

NO MORE GUILT

Bottome Line: I have enough guilt and shame to last me a life time. Noone else's guilt or shame belongs to me. I do believe that this is the year I build a wailing wall in my backyard because I take on too much of the pain and shame that belongs to others I have enough of my own! Time to focus again. I will probably resume a count once I get back into the swing of things. Will be posting more often and will not give a flyer about how it may or may not effect anyone else for now. Lastly, and most importantly it's not my fault that Ed died. I have been feeling guilty that I did not reach back on the many occasions that he drunk dialed me. For the last several months I have been thinking what if?

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. And, I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life"

This has been festering like a wound inside of me. No more. I have been eating about it and gained all of the weight back that I had lost. I turned to gambling because I wanted to arrest the eating. Enough!! I do not need any added guilt. Shiny's last post to me was about not feeling guilty and I said the words no guilt but, I was bull shi ting myself. I am the guiltiest person on the planet and I am tired of it. I am happier when I am not filled with guilt. When I am filled with guilt I gamble about it. When I do not gamble I am happy. When I am happy I win. Therefore, I win when I do not gamble. The wall is going up. -joanxxxxx

I hear ya Joan..

I'm also in the guilt gravy train ironically due to alcoholism...

I could not save my mum...full stop.

Also full of the "what ifs " my whole life ...what if I'd been a perfect kid,no trouble ,not been born ,etc etc etc ..but what I know today is that my mum could not stop and it was nothing to do with me . She would have drank on sadness,happiness,if the sky was grey ,yellow or sky blue pink...it made not a jot of difference if I was good,bad .perfect ,not perfect .

I have spent my whole life twisting myself out of shape also to try and control the uncontrollable and I also failed.

No ..it's not your fault Ed died ...

We are on this journey to slay those thoughts and beliefs once and for all of guilt...you write whatever you like of your dairy Joan as you know I will be the first one on the sidelines encouraging that expression .

R and D xx

Thanks Rach. "Trying to control the uncontrollable". That's what I try to do too. I wear myself out giving a sh it about things that should not matter to me at all. I do not have a very selective membrane. I tend to let alot soak in. My father was miserable and I believe had some narcissistic tendencies. Everything that went wrong in his life was our fault. We were the losers. lol. Yeah right. When you grow up with a voice in your head that whispers GUILTY 24/7 it's what you know. Guilt was also sanctioned by the Catholic church and that had a huge impact on my life too. My father's uncle was a Catholic priest. You do the math... Although we were not super Catholics I went to Catholic school all the way thru highschool. Ha ha ha just saying that I am thinking, well that explains alot. Ha ha.. Over the last month or so, I was letting the guilt pile up. I stuffed and stuffed until I could not fit into my clothes. Then I got p*s sed off about that and gambled about it. I can't gamble for fun because I can't stop. When I'm not gambling I am calmer and more in control. However, the bottom line is that guilt factored in big time and that is something that I need to do something about. Some folks need a healthy dose of reality. I get that. But, I already think that everything is my fault. I don't need a dose. No thanks. I need a f***k ing self esteem and a place to dump all of the crapola I absorb on a daily basis. Anyway, I'm back in the saddle today. I owe that fella who wrote that bit about what he learned in CBT. It really struck a chord with me and shocked me back on track. This diary is an amazing tool sometimes. Staying close to it today. -joanxxxx

Joan.

My dear friend you really do have to stop being so hard on yourself, as I just posted on hollies thread,

We are all compulsive gamblers, that is an addiction that only the folk who have it will ever understand how it functions within us.

We "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory"

That should be our banner, there is a switch in there that once we flick it

BOOM!! off we go, feed our addiction, to return to the merrygo round of madness.

Truthfully joan if it was'nt for my Sarah I would be at it, without doubt I found a switch, my switch, before I used to take out the fuse, then nick the one from the toaster, Sarah duct taped over it a few times, after a while I ripped it off went back at it, then the day came 23/01/2012.

I changed server, my power supply comes from somewhere else, not religious don't do that, but a higher power that day made me "BELIEVE"

Joan I think you need to look at your server, there all different, recovery is bespoke, one size does not fit all!!

Do what makes Joan tick, the one that paints with her niece, or bakes up a treat, or fishes, You owe it to yourself.

Just "believe"

duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks so much for that Duncs. That's true about the server... I have been aware of a higher power since I was a little kid. For me it has always been Life with a capital "L". Life -- everything around me buzzing. A Life force or vibration. Sometimes I just do not want to listen. I unplug my earphones. I think I am smarter than Life. I'm not. I hate being flawed. I want to be perfect. I'm not. Guilty as charged!! Bad bad bad bad.. ha ha .. I wrap myself in it like a wet sticky blanket. I wear it all around. Scarlet "G" bad bad bad bad filthy bad.. Then in a whisper.. in between the words of something someone says to someone else --I hear it. And, my eyes are opened and the clarity is blinding. I'm plugged back in. The blanket I toss into a garbage can and set it on fire. Watch it burn. Maybe a shed a tear or two. I get stuck. I go a little nuts and then turn around... House is ready to receive the little one. Inside and outside. Clean. Just for today, nope. f***f gambling. You do nothing for me but cause me more sorrow and pain. And, I have had enough of that. -joanxxxx

Hey Joan ....thank you for popping in ...and ya know what? I wasn't raised in any denomination of religion but like you I have absorbed something that makes me feel that it's all my fault and I should flog myself mercilessly ..

The "voices "..the " expectation " where the f**k did that all come from...society has a lot to answer for .

Ms B just posted me a book called " the gifts of imperfection" ..let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are..

Well I think I'm supposed to be white picket fenced off in the burbs married to some solicitor with 2.5 kids and yet I'm not ...so have I failed or am I liberated ? ...hmmmm..more later when I read Blondies book a guide to a wholehearted life.

Author Brene Brown...hey ! ..we could start our own GC book reading groups and start a discussions thread...recovery stuff specific.

I already believe a breakdown is a breakthrough and our spirits way of fighting to get out of the box we put it in...through fear.

Keep posting Joan...you know the word xxxx

My song for is today Ms J ...everybody sing ..." Joy and pain....are like sunshine and rain " ...just playing this track on my Maze cd. Xxxx