Angel From Montgomery

Yo,

When I read your post, well the last couple , my first thought was that I wish I could give you a hug . My second was to give you a bloody good shake . ( in the nicest possible way) xxxxx

Guilt achieves b ugger all. I lived with a major guilt for 5 years only when I went into rehab did they say you know what it does not make sense , that was a big turning point for me .

I do not believe you have anything to be guilt about, but I do not live your life , so what do I know .

What I do know is that guilt is not good for your soul .

That yesterday's gone , nothing we can did can we undo , only today counts . So do me a favour , next time you go out to that beautiful lake of yours ( yes I am jealous ) pick up a great big stone , launch it with all your might , watch it hit the surface then sink . Never to be seen again. That my lovely just sent all that guilt to its rightful place .

You have a really good weekend , thinking bout you .

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

I have been dipping in and out of the diaries but totally missed your posts, not that i think im a saviour of any kind .. so i just wanted to post my support and say, I know how that feels, grief, guilt, anger, resentments all mixed into a pot and sometimes its really hard to distinguish "what is what". I agree with shiny, let it go, let it out... I wrote a letter to the person who hurt me pysically and scared me mentally all those years ago, and i cursed like a cowboy in it lol... THEN I read it out loud to let it go, to speak my pain and shame and then I BURNT THE f*****g THING...... No more will i let anybody have that power over my life all those years later.

Take care and enjoy the weekend.

blondie xxx

I just have to say that you are all simply amazing. I feel sh it. I go to the brick and mortar for what? I don't know.. sit in between two people who are completely absorbed in god knows what... Would not offer a smile, a little chat.. nothing. I log onto the forum and people who live thousands of miles away are standing right beside me offering me understanding, peace of mind, and most of all hope. Thanks so much all of you! And, Rach, I just might pick up a copy of that book myself. HUGE hugs back at all of you and Shiny I know, I know... I needed that shake. I really did. I will definitely think about the rock or like Blondie's letter. I do need some kind of ritual or rite of passage. I get that I really do in order to once and for all get this filth the living he l l off of me. This site and all you good folks are the best medicine in the world. Thank you and have a great weekend!!!! -joanxxxx

Joan.

there is a thing about numbers, through my addiction i obsessed about them, this may well be your 1000th post, although the rate i type it will most probably be number 1004.

but it got me thinking about numbers again.

in a good way.

my mum gave me a cross stitch that sits above my book shelf.

it reads.

every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

today i feel we together stride.

unconditionally we will get to our destinations.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Joan

Apologies for calling u Judy , posting at 5 in the mornin when just waking up does av its disadvantages lol

Really pleased ur back on track , it can get a little scary at times but thats where this amazing site comes into play , just to reiterate my point u av come so far and gone through so much , just so proud of u

Massive well done on the 1000 posts well 1001 now that shows how much u want this and thats what I say to any newcomer u av got to want it so much any half hearted attempt will fail

And u want it , a relapse is in no way a failure only giving up and goin back to all that misery is and its clear to see u will never go back

Castle2

Really great to read the determination in your latest posts. You want this bad and it shows. The addiction is a hard one and there's every chance a slip may happen now and again. It's about limiting the damaging knowing we've done wrong and move on as quick as possible - with as you say - no guilt!

1000 posts shows your commitment and shows the support you have on here from others. We are all here wishing you well and it'll be great seeing you rise again.

So glad the black clouds are lifting.

Wanted to say that sometimes I get goosebumps when I read your diary as I think Jees I was thinking exactly that last night and there it is in black and white. I don't usually say as it sounds a bit weird but seems to be happening more often. Particularly about weight, pleasure, guilt and loss, all my feelings so clearly described.

It has happened to a lesser degree with others on here in the past so maybe we just do have so many similar experiences and get so tuned into the emotional repercussions that our thought process becomes similar too.

I am ok at the moment, never complacent but enjoying the good bits and managing the bad bits.

Have a lovely weekend and speak again soon.

xxx

Thanks for the posts everyone. I definitely get by with a little help from my friends..

Hi Diary,

A beautiful day today. We managed to get ourselves through the rest of the weekend without succumbing to the last dying embers of urge. As we all know -- all it takes is one little spark and in the space of a nanosecond everything is set into motion and for me it feels like a sucking whirlpool. The good news is; this time I didnt go all the way down the drain... Today, the sun is out, there is a gentle breeze and I am surrounded by the sights and sounds of nature. All around me solid evidence of Life eternal. No shame squirrels , no guilty butterflies. No sarcastic trees, no bitter leaves and most of all no angry birds. lol.. I know that everyday cannot be like this one but, everything always seems so much fresher and inviting when my thoughts are clean and my mind is quiet. My wish today is for no gambling in anyone's forcast. Nothing but blue skies and calm seas for as far as the eye can see. -joanxxx

Morning Diary,

No work until Thursday which is a good thing. A little time on my hands probably not so much. Still swimming against the current. It's my own fault. When I do "it" it's like upstopping the drain in a bathtub. I don't stop until I get sucked down the drain and spat out into the cesspool with all of the other crapola. Off in the distance I can see Mt. Abstinence and I feel like cr ap because I am once again standing at the bottom of it neck deep in raw sewerage looking up. That's what it feels like to me when I have to start all over again. Like a piece of sewerage floating around in a cesspool. I know I know it's not really starting ALL over again but, I guess I have my work cut out for me. First off, I have to stop imagining abstinence as a mountain. It's certainly not a mole hill either. I have been on the top of the hill and it is lovely up there. So, I am going back there. Much better than this stinking pit. For me it has been all about insanity. Thinking that it is gonna be different this time because I have changed. The one thing that will never change is that I am an addict. So before all of the water is sucked out of the tub and me with it I will put the plug back into the drain. STOP IT back up. Put my happy pants on and my comfy shoes and start walking toward that lovely hill over there. The view is amazing absolutely amazing. So what will it be? Crapola Creek or Happy Hill? Jeez when put that way the choice seems obvious.. 🙂 -joanxxx

I just read Castle's post and felt a rant coming on... so thought instead of polluting poor Castle's diary I would dump on my own. lol.. I was thinking about romance and finance the two things that have always managed to mess me up inside; or maybe my two favorite venues dujour when it comes to acting out my inner drama... In the romance department things have been quite calm I guess.. I like to keep the sea calm there. Rarely if ever rocking the boat because I am obviously the harder one to get along with. I cut P a tremendous amount of slack since now it is not only me she has to live with but, my mom as well. God love her.. In the finance department hmmm. If I take a closer look at it I find there is always some degree of resentment festering just below the surface.

I know that accruing gambling debts and complaining about finances is like throwing a rock at my windshield and crying that it is broken BUT... I have a brother who lives less than one hour away who has more money than God and cannot lift a finger to help his mother. My mom is currently camped out in our bedroom. He could easily provide resources to either take her in himself or, help us build an extention onto our house. Instead he will be taking his family of 5 on a first class trip to Australia this summer. Well La Di f***k in Da. I would be a big fat liar if I said this was not eating away at me big time. I am literally turning a shade of red while I write this. He wrote me a check at Christmas for a few hundred and said there would be future installments. Well, I have not seen one since. On Easter he sent me a text and asked me to forward his regards to her. He did manage to actually call her on Mother's Day and that was to announce his big plans for the summer. We are just scraping by here. I have been guilt ridden about the credit debt that we wracked up and have been affraid to air my feelings about this. The thing is, I did the responsible thing. I cut up the cards. I consolidated the debts and have been paying on them dutifully. We are nearly half the way done. I work very hard and so does P. Mom gets a little from the state. Between the 3 of us we get by. It just pi ss es me off that he knows how we are living here all cramped up and does not care. Is he entitled to his money? Yes. Am I entitled to his money? No. Should he share in some of the responsibility for mom now? YES he should. I have another brother in Chicago and it is the same thing. He gets away with it because he is the youngest. He is gonna be 50 for f u cks sake. So, I will be a "good girl" and go to work, manage my stress appropriately, and manage the household, and manage the finances soberly, and my mom in her old age. But, every now and then I need to pop the lid open to let out a little steam. Feeling sorry for myself? Maybe a little. But, more so, am feeling the selfishness of two of my brothers the loss of the other brother and some days it all just gets to me. I know gambling does not solve anything. And I know that I would have more today if I had not done it but, enough for an addition on the house? No. He needs to be helping her. So, I need to get that message out without the shame sandwich and bit ch iness in my tone. I will have to work on that. Today, I am going to start on a new novel. It's a horror story. I have decided that I'm not going to clean like a maniac all day. I am gonna sit on my duff and read for awhile. -joanxxx

Just read something on FBOT's on 123's thread and it struck a chord. For me video type slot machines are like *** C*****e. Now you might ask me have you ever been addicted to ***? and, my answer would be umm no but, I have been addicted to Jack Daniels whiskey since about the age of 15 up and until the age 31 and for me getting off of that was actually easier! I have read all kinds of things about how gambling is not a real addiction la la la.. Well. It is. Ha ha ha. Like I said in previous posts. I never ruined the lives of any others with my gambling but, I nearly ruined my own and getting off and away from it for good has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I quit drinking and smoking and this has been by far the hardest for me. So, you can go ahead and tell me that I am a weak selfish t i t and I will laugh and say whatever... I know how it feels to be addicted to slots and it is no picnic at the lake trying to quit them. Complete abstinence one day at a time. I cannot win because I cannot stop. And yes, Shiny I agree whole heartedly -- it is what it is. Sticking close by today because I am still too close to the drain hole for comfort. Plug is in place but, still trying to get my old a ss out of the tub. -joanxxx

Yo,

Thank you for your post , your words meant a lot to me .

As for you , keep on keeping Hun , that's all we can do .

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Will do Shiny. Will do. xxxx

Hi Diary:

It's Wednesday. And, a pretty fine start except for P's car that is trying desparately to shi t the bed. Saying prayers to the machine goddesses this morning that it turns out to be something simple and affordable. Hope springs eternal and cars generally like P. She always has such good cars. Anyway, the bottom line to that is once again finance. Yes, we pretty much screwed ourselves financially for awhile but, we are making progress. I cringe when I read the diaries of so many young people just starting out in life getting tangled up with gambling. Had I started gambling when I was in my 20's I would not have what I have today -- which to some I suppose aint much to begin with. And, I know the conservative arguments about industry and fair play in a free market system. Afterall, it is a choice. And, by choice I suppose gambling establishments set up where the poor folk live beeeeeecause... The song Desperado comes to mind. I know the answer is not prohibition either. I'm not an idiot. But, now that gambling is getting more and more popular over here and so accessible it is finding it's way to the young folk and that makes me a little sick and sad. There is accountability, and Karma, they say can be a real bi t ch. Just sayin. So, I am here this morning because I have a desire to stop gambling. For good? Well, that's my hope. Willing to do the work? I think so. I think I have proven that to myself. I guess it comes down to stress management. My virtual list of things to do when I am stressed out is written in virtual pencil and the word gambling has been written and erased so many times that there is a hole in the MF virtual paper. There are days like today, when I wonder to myself what some poor ol gal from one of several third world countries might make of my idea of stress....

Or, maybe I should take a stroll into a nursing home, or hospital to see what is laying around there. I wonder how well my list of pains and complaints might hold up.... I know that Life is good. Up close it does not always seem that way. I need to adjust my perspective and find heathier ways to alleviate stress. blah blah blah.. I'm in one of those moods where no matter what this addict complains about it is small potatoes compared to the larger picture. ALL of it pretty small potatoes. But, it happened to ME. I AM sad. I AM hurt. lol... Time to stop feeling sorry for me me me me... Sitting in front of this screen tapping is a luxury compared to some ol gal running for her life this morning. More than likely running for her child's life. Running, probably, hurting, more than likely starving. I wonder what she would think of my little diary. So, I guess I will cheer the f***k up. That is the very least I can do. And we know I don't want to over stress myself.. sigh... -joanxxxxx

Hi Joan,

Thanks for your post the other day.

I hope that you are starting to feel better about yourself and with each small step back in the right direction I am sure you can get back on the right track.

I too have been low lately and the addiction grapped me and spat me out again.

It's a S***e journey at times, but we are both still here, and we are both learning each day.

Keep your chin up cowgirl! ;0)

I know you can do it.

Ade xxx

Hey Joan...

Thank you for the drive by....xxx

You know ..I've been reading your post a few times and a thought struck me ..I know that you have been around 12 step for recovery and have a lot of knowledge but ...and I am going to stick my neck out here ...have you really been listened to?

I'm in the same boat if that is true because I've also been around "the rooms " ..got a lot from it but still did not feel "validated "about stuff that went on...so it's like living with an unquenched thirst.

I hate to see you beating up in yourself ..but if you're anything like me ..this partly goes on due to lack of validation ...

I think people need validation of what happened in their lives that was unfair and abusive before we can have any chance of healing ,..I know all about the " pity pot " as I heard all those words too in meetings but for a lot of us we never really had any mode of expression to get all our hurts and injustices out in the first place ....as its still stuffed back in with guilt and slogans.

That is not something we can even do with a sponsor in a short time ...it's a peeling off of onion layers.

What is saying badly ...lol ..,is that I like to read posts about the things that you are unhappy about because these are the things that are still unhealed , but we have a much better chance of getting well and where we want to be by simply having this mode of expression to write it out.

Hope that makes sense ...and for the record ...yep your brother could help more so you are right in how you feel ..at the end of the day he doesn't even have to so anything hands on but by helping financially it would make a huge difference to the quality of life you,P and your Mum could have .

R and D xx