Hey Everyone,
I've been reading the forum for over three months now but have thus far chosen to read rather than contribute. I felt it might be time to bite the bullet -
First off - I'd like to thank each and every one of you. Without knowing it you've all helped contribute to my own recovery and for that reason this site is a blessing. In particular I'd like to thank JamesP who I've noticed as a selfless contributor to so many posts & diaries on here. James you should be so proud of your contribution to the recovery of others on this site.
As for my own story -- I'm 24 and I'm a compulsive gambler. Aside from the occasional flutter when I was younger, I've gambled frequently since the age of 21.
My problem really started with the 70 jackpot entry-level fruit machines you'd find in pubs & clubs around the UK. When I was much younger, I used to boast that these machines were built for mugs. Whoever said we grow wiser as we get older!? One day at work (I used to work in a bar) I stuck a few quid in a machine and fluked the jackpot, which was 70 at the time. I can still remember how this felt; I was on top of the world - this was easy money.
Obviously from this point I gradually slipped further & further until I found myself frequenting bars on my own simply to use the fruit machines. Trips back and forth to the cash machine, believing the bandit I'd pumped a fortune into was 'definitely going to drop soon'. It was a sad, lonely existence. I'd get paid, blow my wage on the first weekend of the month in pubs and spend the remainder of the month regretting it. I'd spend 400+ a month chasing a 70 jackpot. As you all know, it wasn't about the money...I used to pump money into machines which I knew from experience were never going to pay out. I was addicted, pure and simple.
After a few years I managed to move away from my local area and the crowd I used to go to the pub with and managed to rid myself of the machines. For a short time I stayed gamble-free and loved it, before thinking I could start gambling small-stakes on the football + scratch-cards again. This worked OK for a while until I opened an online betting account. You'all know what comes next...
A number of people on here have reported an unusual winning streak after opening a new online account with a bookmaker. Of course this is exactly what happened with me - from relatively small stakes. As with everyone else, I went on to lose it all -- with interest. Things got silly, I was winning 1,000+ on a single spin of the roulette wheel; only to lose it all within 20 minutes. I once lost 2,000 while sat on the sofa with my iPad opposite my partner - she had no idea. I have never felt so low. I locked myself in the bathroom + laid in the fetal position on the floor wondering how it had all come to this.
I'd often lose money I didn't have - at one point my bank let me deposit 800 over my overdraft. What a mess. I would get paid and it would barely bring me into credit. My final bet and 'low point' was in February of this year. I was on my favourite site and had fluctuated up and down on roulette with a balance of 600 and from almost losing everything I had made my way up to 650. I knew if I continued I would never keep this money. But more than that, I began to really reflect on the person I'd become. Something within me just clicked, I felt immeasurable sadness at what I was doing with my life and how I'd let my very existence hinge on the outcome of a computer simulation. At this point I withdrew my money, self-excluded myself from all accounts and vowed to be a better person.
Looking back, the worst thing about my addiction isn't the money, but the time I wasted. Almost every day I grieve for the amount of my life I have wasted on this pointless, selfish existence. We each have a limited amount of time in this world and to throw it away gambling is the absolute antithesis to living.
The up-side is that I've realised I don't want any of my money back - the gambling industry has earned it fair and square. From this point onwards I can only look to change the future. Maybe the one thing that this horrible time has taught me is never to take life for granted. I will make up for the time I lost.
Day 78 & counting. I might not post here too often but I'll still be reading everyone's inspirational stories.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".
Thanks for being here everyone.
Spoons
Thanks for contributing to not only your own recovery but that of others by writing a thread here,I hope it helped to build your continuing resolve to make the right choice,to carry on arresting your compulsion and the devastation it brings with it.
My own gambling life started with fruit machines,although the jackpot was 4.80 maximum at the time and paid in tokens to boot!! showing my age there lol, still whatever the payout it still did not stop me regularly depositing my weeks wages into it.
Our mantra's whilst gambling all the same
'I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP'
A huge well done from me for addressing your addiction at the tender age of 24,it took me twenty years of losing much more than just my wages to find recovery and the new life it gifts.
You really do have the rest of your life ahead of you to coin a phrase.
My only advice fella, Enjoy it.
Keep doing what works for you,keep building on that.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back
Well done mate
Great post mate. Well done.
The kind of post that fills me with confidence that i can beat this.
I have a similiar story to you , except i started the fruit machines at about 12/13 then moved onto horses then moved on to online poker and sports betting. I've wasted about 30 years of my life on this horrible disease. I'm determined i'm not going to waste one more day.
I like the part where you say you've accepted your losses, the bookmaker's won it fair and square. It is one of the biggest things that keeps us coming back for more. That need to chase and eventually beat the bookies. These times are so few and far between, and even when we do we don't stop. we keep going till every penny we won is back in there pockets.
all the best in your continuing journey and well done again
Davie
Just wanted to post an update to say I'm still going strong - 6months+ & counting!
I still read the diaries on here most days but feel the need to post v.rarely.
My life has improved immeasurably since making the decision to abstain from gambling. I still have debts but these have almost halved, I've booked an awesome trip abroad, learnt to drive & I generally live/eat much healthier. Work has also been great & the extra free time has meant I can decide where I should go next with life.
For anyone reading this who might not be in the best situation at the moment - please know that I have been where you are & there is always a way out. It's 110% worth it but first you need to want to stop for yourself. For me the greatest deterrent is the thought that I might reach my deathbed having never achieved the things I wanted because of gambling.
I still have urges + a long way to go, but reading the forum helps me to realise I am only ever one step away from destruction. If I start once more I might not stop. A really good tip I might share is that whenever I get an urge eg. to play a fruit machine - in my head I imagine smashing it to pieces with an axe or kicking it to bits. For some reason it works, maybe it helps me associate my thoughts with the anger I used to feel after a bad loss.
Hope everyone is doing well and thank you to those who have posted on my diary.
Best wishes to you all.
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