Back from the Brink

Dear @michael35 ,

well done on 50 days gf, it's a nice round number. And also a huge achievement, I hope you are feeling more enthusiastic about it then your post sounds and I also feel you are enjoying some slow but steady changes in your finances, your mental and health and your relationships.

Wishing you all the very best for the next 50 days.

Eva

Forum Admin

Day 52

RAMBLE ALERT !!!

Feeling thoroughly P*ssed off today. Feeling like the house doormat at the moment, and only think that the people in my house are only nice when they want something, and awful when I can’t provide it - my 17 yr old in particular always querying my parenting skills, often backed up by wife and daughter. I feel so worthless at times but I guess I deserve it.

But a life of missed opportunities which could have been so so different if one of those fell into place. Like taking the opportunity to buy that house at the bottom of the house prices, and I was so so close to doing so, rather than 10 yrs later a month before the house price crash creating a huge debt hole which contributed into pushing me towards the gambling outlet.

Or taking that VR opportunity, and I was so so close before the door slam closed - that would have more than paid for the gambling losses. Or that promotion opportunity (I was told I was “next in line for promotion) before recruitment froze and the promotion opportunity never arose. The big job move which I got through all the tests before the interview goalposts were significantly changed for my turn, and I promptly failed. Or the lucrative overtime which out of 50 or so staff over different areas, 3 were denied it - including me.

Can’t be bothered to whinge on any further - it’s funny how life pans out, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve taken the wrong turn at many many crossroads and as a result, I find myself middle-aged, unfit, bored at work, bored with life, ruing missed opportunities living with a disrespectful family who expect the world from me.

Day 59

Feeling better after last week’s rant. No gambling urges whilst I continue to nibble away at the debt.

61 days GF.

65 days GF

Gamble free days now just flying by. Haven’t really analysed yet why I so badly fell off the wagon or how I managed to lose £2000 in a matter of hours, and how it took 11 consecutive BJ hands lost to finally realise that the game I was playing was rigged. (What a nugget !) Anyway, that’s the first time I’ve thought about that for 65 days. 

Time to forget it again and get on with life.

Day 68

I took away any means of gambling 68 days ago, and I haven’t given it a second thought at all. No “cold turkey”, no sleepless nights, no anger, absolutely nothing - like a light switching off. A bit weird.

A lot in the media about Mental Health recently which has prompted me to look at my own life, and how I’ve ended up where I am and why I behave the way I do which I’ve always thought different to the normal man in the street. My restlessness, my compulsive behaviours, my apparent scatterbrained approach, forgetfulness, inattentiveness.

I’ve done some reading which has revealed some interesting ideas, traits I’ve had and dealt with daily since childhood, particularly around inattentive ADHD, the description of such fit my only traits like a glove. An absolute revelation which I need to investigate further.

71 days GF.

Looking forward to an unexpected windfall from work over the next few days. Perhaps up to a few thousand. Will help pay for this years hols .

73 GF. 

Starting to train for my local half-marathon. The first running I’ve done in a long time. Set myself a target of beating my time of 7 years ago, and beating my time of 26 years ago. A big ask.

75 GF

Training has stalled due to a heavy cold over the last few days. Will start again this weekend. Oh, and no gambling thoughts whatsoever.

77 days GF

Keeping the diary going. Been laid low for a few days now with cold, but feeling a lot better now.

Day 80

Been keeping busy working through the long list of DIY jobs around the house. Nibbling away at the huge gambling debt, although not really thinking about it as much I did in the past. As long as I continue in this vein, it’ll be gone in a few years.

Day 81

Best nights sleep for a long time. Up with the larks on a training run before work.

Day 84

Day 100 is in sight now. Getting fitter, sleep better, nibbling away at the debt .... all moving in the right direction at the moment.

Day 87

Holiday in the sun now booked - only 10 weeks to go. Looking forward to unwinding.

Day 88 

An evening lull at work. Got a pack of cards out and started playing BJ for imaginary money. Started at £50K, worked up to £500k in 10mins.

I seem to remember my final real bet(s) 88 days ago consisted of around 13 consecutive high bet losses at which point I convinced myself that it was rigged.

Back to today, a moment of weakness where failsafe self-exclusion and gamstop have stopped me taking this any further.