Back to square one .. Regaining my freedom

Hello MF... well done on your 2 weeks gamble free!

The other day I felt so depressed that I could hardly speak and I felt like bursting into tears. It did pass though and your depression will pass to. Give it time and patience and living life gamble free day by day.

Its a shame don't you think in society in general about how much of our self-esteem is wrapped up with money or lack of. Am trying to change my attitude to money (it is hard). I work for next to minimum wage and yet when I don't gamble it is sufficient. After 6 months off it all my bills are up to date and ahead and I am able to treat myself from time to time. Its not so bad.

It sounds like your something of a businessman and that if you put your mind to it you will earn good money again and be able to afford nice things in life, if that's what you want. Your on-going challenge is to come to terms with the past and move on from it. It will not be easy just as my life challenges will not be easy, but you can do it and so can I. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Slowly I am learning new things about my gambling problem. I have come to a point when gambling doesn't even give me a rush any more! Can you believe that? I have noticed today ! Very important - gambling doesn't give me a rush any longer! It is pointless......

Onwards to a gamble free life !!!!!!

Gambling has taken everything away from me. I lately stay and meditate/think about everything that happened in the past few years and it simply looks like GAMBLING has destroyed my life taking away the best of me.

Until 2007 it seemed to be a problem for me as most of my money has gone into gambling but it was few couple bucks here and there and the odd 100$ 200$ losses at most. Since I've started earning a little better the amounts gambled also increased and turned up to be the start of a full blown gambling obsession, I got scarred as I was losing more and more, and the only solution I ever found since was to continue gambling. Big mistake! But is an illness, at that point back in 2009 if I recall correctly I've lost about 15k in a time spun of a few days.. it seems to be so long ago.. ever since then I have lost ten times that amount and even more... I had period of times when I did not gamble and felt pretty confident that I will not ever gamble again, but the demons kept haunting me and ended up a wreck.

What I consider to be my biggest loss is anything but money. I have lost friendship opportunities, my self esteem , the opportunities to be more healthier (since I am struggling with a disease that has no cure), I have lost the trust of my mother, my girlfriend, I've lost precious time, I've lost opportunities to travel and learn.

At this point my brain is a complete wreck, I sometimes feel that I somehow became an idiot, from the smart person I was, always working on something to improve my life and life of others. I was a model for many, had my own home, had some money in my bank account, had my own business, things were going well, and I have pushed the self destruct button just about when things couldn't have been better! Why?

I many times had a feeling something was just to not right. Was looking at people that were earning a lot less than myself and always envy them for their happiness. How could they be so happy working on minimum wages etc. How wrong. Money turned up not to be the solution to everything. I was pretty much lonely and this has been a big part of my self destruction along with the illness i suffer from.

Gambling has taken everything away from me. I don't even have motivation to get out of bed in the morning, this is how bad it is at this point. I do not see any way out, even though I know there has to be a way out. I don't plan or think about gambling any more. I came to a point where I simply feel sick inside a casino win or lose. I don't care any more about anything, The only thing I want at this moment is peace and thinking about how I can achieve it.

Everyone reading this please read carefully and bare with me gambling has no point at all. The way I see it, even gambling few bucks for entertainment has no point. Either the sums will increase and it's no good or either way few bucks here and there still add up in the long run, and its called a loss. Why lose? Why not win? Let's play the game of life and not play the game of slots or whatever. The game of life might sometimes be tougher than just clicking on button or w/e but its the truth, and not a lie as gambling is. Anyhow no matter what path we will take gambler or not, the truth will always hit us.

Stay strong everyone

Gambling has ruined my life completely. Because of gambling I have lost my self confidence and I have stopped long ago loving myself, this way I have ALLOWED others to contribute further to my self destruction.

I have accepted too much c**P from others just because I was down and had very few people around to hang out with. I have ALLOWED them and myself to destroy the best of me. This shall no longer continue and I will fight till the end to conquer my addiction to gambling. Not one single penny will go into gambling from this moment on, and I will regain my confidence and happiness I once had.

Thanks for reading & keep strong everyone

Day by day we will do it, we will stop gambling for ever!

I cannot still let go to the past, go over my loses. It seems to be harder even as days pass. I t might be the fact that now I truly realize the damage I have done in he past few years. I wake up every morning wishing I would not have waked up at all, even though I am on a pretty strong psychiatric treatment for my depression.

But I still have hope, I have hope that one day I will recover completely, and everything will be ok.

Dear diary,

I want to die.

MF

Hi... Your not alone my friend. I have felt that way at times over the years. But how you feel now will change.

You can come to terms with money lost. Money is not the be all and end all.

Look after yourself and get some sleep when it all feels a bit much. Take care and keep talking or typing.. S.A

Dear diary,

I want to die.

MF

I woke up this morning very depressed as usual.

Nothing seems to change, I am more and more depressed, trying to figure out what I can do get out of this depression besides my medication. I am half dead, a dead man walking after losing everything I ever had due to gamling.

But I am sure things will change, they have to , one day I will be happy again.

I am quitting smoking this time for ever. This will be life changing I hope for the better.

Stay strong everyone

I've had a very strong urge to gamble yesterday. It seems that they keep coming and coming. I went out with one of my laptops and a digital camera - ready to pawn them and go gamble the money. The lady at the pawn shop gave me a very low price for them and a though to just not go through with my urge came to my mind that very moment. Just few minutes later my mom called me - she was in town resolving some issues for me, as I am depressed and cannot go out much, or do much all together. But how come I can gamble?

That very moment I said NO - to gambling and just went home. I felt pretty good about the decision, even though had some "regrets" - What if with the 300$ or so I would have won some 10-$20k but the thoughts disappeared again when I thought about my mom... I can just not do this any longer. It is not fair for myself and others around me.

Today I felt a little better, and I am concentrating as much as I can on starting working on online projects again.

This demon called gambling will become weaker and weaker as time passes and I resist the urges I am sure.

Thanks for reading.

MF

Mf

You have managed to break the vicious cycle .. Keep it up you now have the advantage

You can keep strong for Nxt time you may have an urge or you can throw it all away .. Is in ur hands bud but don't forget u have broke the viscous circle so if u want it all to start again then you will only have urself to blame

Dear diary I am happy to be alive

I came out of coma on Tuesday after a failed sui cide attempt. I am glad to be alive, not feeling very well yet but I am looking forward to that soon.

Gambling has finally shown its darkest sides for me, has pulled me towards the barrier of death and back alive again.

Stay strong everyone

This is the last day I will ever gamble. It is a promise to myself and others. I have lost another $6k in 3 days. This will stop right now, not one bet ever!

11th of July 2013

Myfreedom

Well hoping it is the last day ya gamble along with mine attached. Guess we both been on the site for a while and think we both did our time and it's a fine good bye and nice to have known ya.

Hit rock bottom ? Well yes I can say that. After a quite big win (10k).. i lost another 1k my own money and pawned almost every valuable thing iI owned worth over 7k for a measly 1k.

the cycle has continued .. i might now know the reasons for which it has.. not 100% sure but , almost.