Better to Ramble than Gamble.

Hey Oldham,

Can totally relate to what you are saying about reading the diaries on here can be somewhat depressing and somewhat draining.and it does not hurt to not post every day, I have gone a few days without posting myself, (and I am normally posting too much lol)

The beauty of our diaries, this forum and our recovery journeys is that there is no black or white, no set routine, our journey does and will take different routes, but as long as we keep making that right choice, to keep abstaining one day at a time, we won't take the wrong turn.

You are doing great, keep positive and keep going.

Suzanne xxx

Oldhamktf wrote:

Day 103

Thanks for al your kind messages all you support has helped me get this far.

I've not been on the site for the last few day's selfishly I was getting a big frustrated seeing people slipping up started to get to me a bit and was thinking id be next I just need take myself away I felt that it would be inundated on here with people making that New Years resolution to stop with half hearted attempts like I have made so many times but I've given my head a wobble told myself to get a grip so sorry for them thoughts im ready to get back and help others like the unconditional help I have had.

Well nye was a funny one had a good afternoon with family then got a disappointment was supposed to be out in the night but the ex withheld the pennies I was supposed to get on that night and had to make you triangle a square I had the time I was in the pub finishing my pint while waiting to pick up the takeaway, I had the location the thinly light flashing in the corner catching my eye, I had the money well a tenner and access to anymore a tenner what harm will that do. So j added another corner to my triangle and put a bit of determination, will power a d**n right I ain't for going back a quick post on here took my mind if it thanks to Suzanne for that. Snaped out of it picked up the takeaway which was spot on picked up my lad at 11 as planned and got P****d drinking a its my mum till gone 4 she's in her 70's and has hollow legs she just keeps going was talking till then with my son and remember the good times and they was lots of them. Up at 8 rough toast managed to stay up till noon then hit a few hours nap. Then watched Making a Murderer on Netflix if you've not seen watch it I found it fascinating.

Right for the last 100 days i have locked myself away a sort punishment for me a bit of solitary a time for reflection to find myself again I'd started to see glimpse over the last couple of months coming along more and more and I'm like what I see Im a good guy so my parole has come through time to get reintegrated with life.

Only one NY resolution an I'm behind already, squeezed in 2 pages of duncs diary today should be on a page a day only another 78 pages to go and it's a great read upto now.

KTF everyone I am

thanks for the reply Oldham

Enjoy tonight's meeting. Tri x

Day105

A good day yesterday went to FA last night 2 slip ups out of the 20 who attended both came out winning at one stage and had to go back as they could not explain to the people around them where the money had come from and ended up giving it back makes you wonder why they did it on the first place if they could not keep the winnings but as we know it's fall about the buzz not the money on a plus we had 3 people who got engaged that would probably not have happened if they was not attending.

Really enjoyed last night was good to be back

We can only hope that GA survives in the North West, with all the problems being caused by some

​

I know it's a bit of a farce were Not on the website and are currently suspended. As a group we made out apologies for some actions. It a sting group but we need new blood through the door or it all becomes a bit stale how it is sorted soon

Just reading this brilliant, inspiring diary. Top work mate, great to see recovery and getting some living done.

I also attend GA in the North West (one of the non-suspended groups) and am worried at the situation.

My main concern is that someone looking to attend a meeting isn't given any information of where to go and there could be catastrophic consequences.

It is indeed a very worrying situation. I have sympathy on both stances & hopefully a quick resolution can be reached. Hopefully at the NCM in a few weeks.

​

It is a concern we used to get a new member every week do they is a need for it in the area 20 members last night and 3 or 4 apologies. It appears to be something we just got caught up and gave distanced ourselves which was a unanimous vote. I just hope the people who need it are getting along somewhere else hopefully to get the support i have had and have played a part in be getting where I am today. Like you say hopefully sorted at the national in a few weeks.

Hey mate ty for the kind words and support, well done on your progress so far, have started studying for uni my start date is jan 30th.

The storm clouds are starting to clear,
Dispursed by new hopes of the coming year,
Chances of change have opened up to me,
Now i can become the best man i can be,
Challenges and set backs will arise,
To navigate through them i will strive,
I will not run or self destruct,
Even though sometimes it will be tough,
I now have the chance for my dream degree,
Then a physicist i will be,
To look in the mirror i will finally be proud,
I am not a failure i will say out loud,
Smoking will stop and junk food binned,
Back to working out i will begin,
The love i lost was so hard to bare,
But that on my focus cannot impair,
For the experience of love grateful iam,
Never did i think anyone would love this broken man,
Many issues i had but now thats is the past,
Its been a few weeks since my gambling day last,
My new progress and challenges i will update,
Thanks Oldhamktf you have been a massive inspiration mate,
What you have been through would bring many a person down,
But you still fighting and inspiring others around,

Day 106

A good day started off with a great message from above by Rob. Hit target in work no thoughts of gambling.

Just an average Thursday I'd give a 6/10 which will do me just fine

KTF

Iam glad i could help, I got your back jack 🙂

Ktf

Fella thanks for the support upon my thread, I am truly humbled by your words and hope that your decision to read my diary offers you the equalling therapy it has granted my own journey.

As for counting days it's something I stopped a while ago and today was quite taken back at the ongoing count sitting at 800, lol I am a mechanical man in a digital world so thanks for pointing it out.

There is for me no end date,at no point will I be cured be able to gamble again through good behaviour or would I find rational thinking when it comes to the act of gambling.

I remember in my early days of recovery addiction told me that it was a punishment to stop,that I was robbing myself of something I loved, but today I see the impostor, if I choose to gamble I will rob myself of my efforts, gambling offers my life nothing good in return for my commitment, yes I could escape from the world for a moment, but we both know that it would be there warts and all when I ceased to be able to fund the episode and whatever I sought to escape would be heightened by my own destructive actions.

Recovery is in my mind a gift, it doesn't cost a bolt except the need for total commitment.

It's the one thing I will allow myself to wage upon

In fact I am all in!!!!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 108

Thanks Duncs know what you mean shout the days but I quite like it at the minute if I will In 800 days only time will tell.

Had s lie in today got up at 10am not like me at all but was up late watching the Creed film not a bad film but no Rocky.

Been reading a few inspiring diaries over the last few days so many good ones out there, which give me great inspiration and ideas lm not going to name them in case I miss someone out lol they're also some strange ones which give me great ideas on what not to do.

I've just finished making a murderer and what a great documentary series if you've not watched it give it a go.

Can't decided what to do this afternoon maybe the ironing and find a new box set any recommendations are most welcome I do have the option of a few pints later or I might just do both.

Keep fight this fight all and KTF

Hello Martin,

Thanks for post.

I also read a lot of diarys on here, yet rarely contribute.

I think some gr.asp what recovery is all about ( as your self ) and them some are more led by ego/ arrogance and confuse abstinence with recovery. I went for the former.

As for your question, whether my GA and therapy visit was down to slip or a next step in recovery. I did have a slip mid December after 9 or so months, but I kinda new it was coming. So, I guess what I'm trying to articulate is I never worked recovery, despite my abstinence I was displaying signs of an addict in my manipulation/ woe me/ passive aggressiveness etc. Hence a dry drunk ( gambler ). I needed a kick and part of that came in a post I read from day@atime ie his commitment to these diarys for a year and try to share some of his knowledge. It made me think, if he can do that, well surely I can commit to my own recovery. ( a tad long winded answer there )

Your doing well Martin, your doing the legwork. Keep it up.

I wish you well

Well the ironing is still there just got in was supposed to be an hour or 2 on the beer 6 hours later I'm home a little p*s sed but happy as a pig in s**t told a few people about my CG who knew something had gone on due the wedding being cancelled but did not know why not a bad reaction nothing but support to me may be different behind my back but that's up to them I even discovered one of them was in the same boat as me 10 years ago and is now GF and from the 15 mins chat with him he was way deeper in than me and 10 years on he us in a good place and had really turned his life around it so nice to know I can turn to him if needed

That was an unexpected afternoon I've known this guy for 20 odd years and didn't have a scobby doo

So anyhow I might be a ickle drunk but I'm feeling in a good place and nothing can shock you in this world if you ain't got a clue what your next door neighbor is up to lol

Embrace your recovery because if you don't it will come and bite you the a**e

KTF i have