Bluebell's Diary

From nowhere I had a dream last night that I gambled and won and was able to walk away and keep the money! It felt so real it was scary plus in my dream I wondered how the software blocking had failed. I woke up and felt such relief that it was a dream. Just shows how this thing can find ways to pop into our brains from nowhere at any time. A timely reminder to be vigilant.

I think I'm something like 8 weeks gamble free now.

Just checking in. Still on track and gamble free.

Hi anyone who is reading. I first logged on here many months ago in April. Just to say I'm still gamble free and really glad I found this website as it lead to me seeking counselling for my core comfort - which was food. What my counselling has so far helped me understand is that food/gambling was what I sought out to give comfort and be my best friend. It is always there, something to pick up to fill the void. I'm now gamble and food free. Obviously not food free ... but not relying on food for emotional reasons. It can be done.

So ... here I am back at Day 1. Been having a tough time emotionally with all sorts of conflicting things going on, so what did I do at Christmas when it got too much .... yup, scurried back to my little roulette friend where the time just whizzes by and no one can touch me or hurt me - until I lose all my money of course! I can never win as I can't stop. Positive, of sorts, is that I 'only' lost about 1k. Trust me, it could've been a lot worse and I went close to 3k a few times.

Day 1 and I have not gambled and I'm being honest with myself. Did a workout today which helped.

The thing about gambling is it does fill a lot of time that other wise you have to confront why you are so unhappy. I am unhappy with my life but trying to focus on that gambling and being in debt isn't going to help. Did some exercise today and feel better for that.

Day 2 and not gambled

Hi bella

Well done for getting back on the horse!

Have you put any extra blocks in place this time?

Gambling is brilliant for avoiding life, but as we all know it creates more problems than it will ever solve.

Good luck on your continued journey xx

Hi there

Yes, I do have blocks ... but you can get round most things if you really want to so I do have software stuff etc but know that ultimately I have to address my issues of why I do this ... and I'm working on that as best I can. Not easy as it is easier to gamble than face walking away from my marriage and the pain that would cause all round. Easier to hurt me than others.

Easier to hurt me than others. When I read posts such as this, that have such honest self awareness, I know that poster is going to make it. Maybe not today, tomorrow or even anytime soon, but I know they're going to make It

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Hi Bluebella, just picking up on your last post. Surely if others are are causing the hurt which makes you feel the need to escape and gamble , isn't that what you should be addressing ? or am I getting the wrong impression ?.

Day 3 and not gambled.

Thank you for the supportive and insightful comments. Yes, Alan, addressing being in an unhappy marriage is what I'm trying to face and am in counselling - but the thought of putting my daughter through a break up is unbearable. To be clear, my husband is an honest decent man but I simply do not love him anymore and haven't for a long long time, but I stick with it for my daughter and the consequence of that is that I gamble as a relief. The hurt came from getting close to someone else briefly at work. Nothing happended and nor would it but it again caused pain as I feel so trapped. At the moment exercise is my focus. I find coming on here and being honest helps.

Hi again , I'm sorry I wasn't prying but I do admire yiour honesty .

Never easy to deal with and as you said it has so many implications for others in the family but that being said , they really do pick up on it . Sometimes being in a relationship simply because of what you may think it would do to your child is worse than ending the relationship and I speak from experience on that one .

My wife had a alcohol addiction that she would not acknowledge and our marriage fell apart simply because she would not accept help , it had a huge effect on my son who was 13 at the time and who would constantly pick up on the tension between us I was scared of how a split would affect him but to be honest it worked the other way and he's grown up to be a very welly ajusted child who just accepts that mum and dad split !.

Obviously you are the only one who can deem what's right or wrong as its you being affected by it all but if gthis is causing you to feel so trapped and make you suffer through the escape of gambling , well you know what I'm saying !.

I'm glad youv'e not gambled for 3 day's though , thats a great acheivement on your part , so well done and I'm sorry I got sidetracked , its your gambling thats your issue so apologies for that !.

Take care for now and best wishes Alan

Hi Bluebell
Have just read your diary and other than your marital situation (with which I sympathise) I am reading about myself.
It has taken me a very long time to acknowledge that gambling in whatever form has me well and truly licked. You've done so well with your abstinence but its so easy to become complacent by staying away from gamcare/not attending GA etc These are the places that are the constant reminder of the destructive nature of gambling. Complacency is one of our most dangerous enemies. I know as well as doing the practical stuff like installing blocks, self exclusion etc we shy away from the invaluable support that is offered on this site and GA. I am the biggest offender for becoming complacent but I have to change that behaviour if I want a better life. I also accept now that I have to dedicate a few hours a week to my recovery despite it frustrating me that I don't want to contribute any of my valuable time to gambling be it writing on here, sitting playing slots or going to GA. Without this contribution to my recovery I inevitably end up back gambling.
I wish you every success with your recovery and my promise to myself and family is to post here every day and attend GA again. You can do this for your daughter too. Children are resilient but we have no idea how early memories can impact on their future lives. I believe you are genuinely sincere in wanting to stop but like most of us CG'S just get a bit sidestepped on the straight road and need a bit of a pointer to get us back.
Take care
Rosie x

Day 4. Just found out I might be made redundant. At some level, you just have to laugh!

Despite this, I have not gambled today.

I'm glad you have not gambled today and yes humour helps immensesly , especially when the devil puke's in your kettle !

Chin up !! with all the fitness stuff you do , you could become a personal trainer ?.