Can’t do this anymore...

Well I haven’t done any food shopping so unless I can get enough for that then yes she will find out because she will ask me why the cupboards are empty. Just to be clear, she is an adult who works so she’s not going to starve or anything and it’s not child neglect t just in case  anyone gets the wrong impression. The debts/bills I can deal with over the next few weeks  and she’d be none the wiser. 

I have just taken the step to sign up with Gamstop and signed up for 5 years, something I should have done a long time ago which would have prevented this big mess I’m in right now. Like many others, I guess I thought I could do it with some blocks in place but somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped that one day I might be able to gamble sensibly.  We all know that is not the case and I should have learnt my lesson by now-we’ll I think today I have. Gambling has given me nothing but pain and misery over the many years. I want to be able to hit 40 in a couple of years with my debts paid and some savings in my bank. Hopefully with gamstop in place, I will finally be able to do that. 

I am going to sit down tomorrow and work out what the real damage is with unpaid bills and debts and try and work out a plan to resolve them or contact step change to see what they advise. 

I opened a monzo account recently but stupidly left my nationwide account open which. Is what I used to gamble as I have gambling transactions blocked on my monzo account. I’m going to look at moving any payments from that account and close it down. That way I won’t have an account to gamble from just in case in the future I manage to find a way round gamstop. 

I just need to find a way to get to the end of the month and next payday to start repairing the financial damage. I guess I can count my lucky blessings that I can’t get access to credit otherwise the debt would be much higher as I know from past experience. One thing I can be grateful for is the debt is at a level where I could have it paid off in a year or two if I stay on the straight and narrow. The reality is I could have paid a third of it off with what I gambled since yesterday - absolutely crazy, irrational behaviour; one which I hope I can finally stop! 

For anyone reading this, sorry for rambling on but as I can’t sleep I need to get everything written down and off my chest so I can come back here in the morning and reread it all once the aftermath has truly sunk in. 

One thing I am glad about is signing up to gamstop while the damage is raw. I’m sure if I hadn’t of done it tonight, in a few days I may have thought differently but it can’t be undone and for that I am glad. Even if I do have to come clean to my daughter, which I know a lot of you will say I should do, at least I have already taken a positive step of my own accord rather than being made to do it. 

I have over two weeks off work and nothing to do which would be a classic time when boredom would kick in and I’d find myself gambling. Well as I have no money and won’t be able to acccess sites even if I wanted I will have to find something else to do, something more constructive. I will give the house a full blitz from top to bottom and at the same time, put to one side anything that is no longer needed and can be advertised on a selling site to hopefully bring a little money in to ease the burden. If I don’t do that, it’s likely I’ll end up spending two weeks in bed, depressed and dwelling on the what ifs that won’t change a thing. 

Im finally starting to feel tired and my anxiety levels have started to reduce so maybe, just maybe I will be able to get some sleep. 

Well I have been in your exact place many many times.

The post above me answers a lot I was going to advise.

Mate,I was in a cycle every month of losing all my money, the hate,the misery,self loathing and vowing never again to do it but I did, For 30 years this went on.

Then boom the moment hit me,its now or never,money lost line in the sand moment,time to say" no more" and mean it.

It's so hard but you have done well with the above,my first and main advice is something I was told when I sat in front of a young lady who had just rejected me for a high interest loan...." you need to stop gambling"  ,I didn't listen and got into 25k worth of debt,then I remembered her and I finally took her advice,white light moment,simple, life changing.

Eventually yes you need to deal with the debt,plan,plan and plan ,you will be tempted.dont go back

Posted by: anon1982

Currently laying in bed contemplating the purpose of life. This time is worse then ever as things were starting to look up so why have I done this to myself and my family. 

So today and last night I have chucked away most of my wages without the bills paid, including car insurance and have nothing left for the month. Have the worst headache ever and head is a minefield debating on what decision to make next. Considered coming clean to my daughter but just can’t do it again. Debated whether to just get in my car and drive somewhere, anywhere to avoid facing the music which is inevitable and also contemplated dark thoughts as part of me thinks it is better then having to come clean again and the hurt anger and disappointment. I just can’t believe I’ve done this again. I am so sick of this battle and even when things seem to be getting better it tears it’s ugly head and I’m not strong enough to say no. 

I actually sometimes wonder if I’d be better off being locked up somewhere on my own and without access or temptation. Then I wouldn’t be a liability or burden to anyone. 

 

Im currently laying in bed and have been most of the evening telling my daughter I’m ill so I don’t have to sit down together, put a face on and pretend everything is fine. I’m not ready for the fallout. 

I have a thousand thoughts flying through my head. How can I get by without coming clean? What can I sell of any value just to get through the next few days until my mind is a little clearer? What am I going to do to fix this?

tried to apply for a short term loan but like most cgs my credit score is really bad and got rejectsd. 

I really don’t know how I’m going to get out of this hole I’ve dug myself this time.

 

Dear Anon1982,

I am concerned to hear that you were in such a dark place late last night. As you have already discussed with others mental health issues like depression may not be characterised by sadness and crying for everyone...it can be feeling numb, emotionless and a void (I am not a medical professional). Please do consider making an appointment with your GP to discuss this.

I am glad that see that this morning you have posted that you have signed up to GamStop which is a great step in blocking the places of gambling. Yes there are banks such as Monzo that offer blocking from the gambling transaction angle. For your immediate concerns around debt StepChange is one of the places we would signpost people to (and the National Debtline and PayPlan). If you are unable to afford food for the remainder of the month you can ask your GP or the Citizens Advice Bureau to write you a letter for a food-bank.

You are more than welcome to give us a call on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline for a one-to-one conversation with an Advisor about any other tailored practical strategies and a referral for one-to-one with a face-to-face practitioner if you wish.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin 

Thank you for the post admin and holycrosser. I can’t say I’m feeling much better this morning but I have managed to sort a couple of things. 

Firstly. I have been in touch with work and asked for a reasonable sum of advance payment on next months salary which they have agreed and will go in either today or Monday. It will make next month right but should still be able to manage but at least it will give me some breathing space.only thing with that is my wages get paid into my daughters account and so will the advance so I guess I am going to have to come clean and deal with the fallout. Not sure I’m ready for that but there is no way round it. 

I am also in the middle of transferring my nationwide account over to my monzo. And then I guess I’ll have to close it down to avoid any future slips. 

Feeling a bit overwhelmed today but have managed to at least take a few steps to moving forward. 

I will sit down tomorrow and work out a financial plan/contact stepchange but I can’t face it today. 

Good job and please remember number one priority...no gambling 

Thanks holycrosser, at the moment I feel like I’m well and truly done with gambling. I don’t want this life anymore. I only ever played online as I would be too embarrassed to go into a bookies and have never set foot in a casino so with gamstop in place and only having a monzo account should make it very difficult to gamble even if I wanted to. 

Feeling a bit better this afternoon. I know the damage has already been done but now need to just focus on fixing it. Thankfully I’m in a position where over the next few months I earn enough to recover from this and pay my debts off in the next year or so. I need to focus on that .

Well I’m feeling a bit calmer this evening. I think a lot of that is the fact I signed up to gamstop last night and that gives me hope that even if I’m tempted I won’t end up in this situation again. I went out this afternoon for a bit with my daughter and put my happy face on. I’ve just given her my car as she recently passed her test so we spent the evening giving it a good clean inside and out. She seems so happy at the min so not going to burst that bubble.i know many will say I should come clean but I really don’t see what good that would do. It will hurt her and something is different this time and not because I’ve been caught out. Towards the end of my gambling session I was at the point that I hated it, it wasn’t fun anymore, it was torture and I actually just wanted the rest of the money gone so it would be over. If I keep in the straight and narrow life could be very different in a year or two, although despite this recent act of stupidity, life has been a lot better. We have had two holidays abroad this year so I should really consider myself lucky. My main focus now is to clear my debts and to start rebuilding my credit score so that some time in the distant future I may be able to get a mortgage. I need to use this as my long term goal to keep me focused. 

Well done on the actions you've taken so far. Big steps. I'm really pleased to hear you talking about what you are doing. I am rooting for you. x

Awww thanks Drama Llama, funnily enough I was just writing a post on your wall before I saw this last post. I’m rooting for you too. I hope in a years time this will be a distant memory for both of us x

So this is day 2 of not gambling and had no thoughts about wanting to gamble so that’s good.  I do believe that something has finally clicked on my head about the irrationality of what gambling is. I’m under no illusion that this will be easy and once these feelings of shame and devastation have slowly disappeared then I’m sure I will need to be on my guard to not be complacent. 

This time I am going to try and do it slightly differently though. This time I am going to really work on my own recovery about my thoughts about myself and my self worth. Before I have just punished myself thinking this will help make up my past mistakes. You know what, it hasn’t and once again I’ve found myself back at square one so that hasn’t worked. I have gone through the motions, tried my best to keep my family happy and focused all of my energy on them. I’m not saying I shouldn’t as I do owe that to them but I’m still the same unhappy person that I was before. Other than not gambling, nothing has really changed for me. This time I really want to do it for me and my own well being not just for everyone else around me.

Look Anon your life will change for the better

We understand your hurt. Ive been there Large debts, no electricity on for a week and spooning cold baked beans out of can. 

I cant even believe that was me now.

You need that born again moment. Secrets are no good for you. Whats important is the truth gets out so people can properly help you. They can only do that if they know the full situation and sheer power of a gambling addiction.

You owe them the truth do you not? Faced with a gambling addiction and its ruinous aftermath the truth can actually only help you. The secret is not going to replace your money and its a secret that only eats at you...they find out anyway when they see the misery in your face

A gambling addiction  is a drug addiction but if you hide the effects people will think you are coping in the face of real trouble

You can only pay what you can afford, Your mental health takes top priority and caring about your family..the rest isnt that important.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thanks Joydivider, I respect what you say and thank you for the advice. 

I understand you saying about telling the truth but I’m really not sure it will help much on this occasion. I have put all the necessary blocks in place now to make sure this situation doesn’t happen again and although it’s not a great situation this minute financially, I can resolve it within the next month to get back straight and just focus clearing the debts. Telling my daughter at this point will do no good so I’m not going to do that and In a month I will be back on a level playing field. 

Day two

I have managed to resolve one financial issue today with my car and hopefully when the advance is in on Monday I will be be able to resolve a lot of the others. My plan today is to work through each room in the house and have a proper spring clean. Bleach everything from top to bottom, declutter and put anything aside that I no longer use and get rid of and hopefully in the process make a few pennies. Those pennies will go to any bills and debts. 

One thing I’ve realised is I actually don’t need very much to live on when needs must so I need to think about this moving forward. If I live a frugal life for the next few months I can have a lot of my debts paid and start focusing on what I want for the future. 

Hi,

Please give the experts a call.  You've taken a huge step by being here and i promise you that making that call will make a difference.  Don't be too proud to do it.

All the best.