Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 52

Normal sort of Saturday today. Feeling uncharacteristically unstressed.

Normality is good!

GT

Day 53 & 54

Diary is becoming a bit boring, but I have money in the bank now, things are settled at home, I'm feeling less stressed.Gambling thoughts now a million miles away. Still a huge debt, which doesn't seem to have reduced in the last month, but I accept that Nov, Dec are 2 expensive months. Really nothing to add.

Day 55

Another day - getting a little frustrated with the amount of work I'm putting in at the moment with very little gain. Need to stay focussed and on top of things and not let myself get dragged back down. Going to have a good night's sleep tonight and focus on tommorrow with renewed vigour and determination. A tight spot which I need to fight out of.

Day 56

Another day comes and goes. No gambling thoughts, but an air of caution at the moment is needed. Project pressure at work starting to build, Xmas around the corner, doing alot of other work and have had very limited success of late. I need a few breaks to ease myself over the next few months.

Day 57

Easing through, no problems.

Hi Michael 35

Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed (if that is the right word) reading your diary. I stumbled accross it last night and truly couldn't put it down reading all 60+ pages. This though resulted in me not going to bed much before 1am, and due to having to be up at 6am today, I am ever so slightly cream-crackered at present.

The reason why I found it so fascinating is that in many senses it could almost be my story, there are so many similarities :

- I'm 41, and have two children 8 and 6.

- I'm able to give up gambling for large periods of time without too many problems or urges but ultimately, up to now, I've always returned to lose a massive amount in literally minutes.

- I've previously, after abstaining and saving diligently, been close to paying off credit cards and loans only for at the point when I am almost debt free to to gain go on another massive splurge.

- Similar to you my wife has previously discovered my problem and similar to you I've decided to not come clean this time for all the same reasons you've outlined.

- I too initially have focussed my energy on debt reduction plans to the extent where it has taken over my thinking almost.

I have to say where I slightly differ is that I don't think I'm capable of being as strict as yourself with regards my debt reduction. Again similar, I have a large mortgage and a loan repayment plan, which again similar to you I've never, as yet, missed a payment on. As stated, I suppose where I slightly differ is that I made the decision to repay my debts over 7 years. The reason behind this is that a) I don't want it to take over everything and affect what I'm able to do with my family (it is not there fault after all) b) I want to use the debt as a warning, so in some form, having it there for this lenghty period will hopefully act as a strong deterrent. I'm sort of worried that if I pay it off earlier I'll be more tempted to return to gambling. The payments are enough to hurt but not huge enough to stop me from living a normal family life. I agree with many of the posters on this thread in that the debt reduction plan is a positive but you should still allow yourself some rewards.

Don't get me wrong I think your focus and work ethic is actually fantastic and it's whatever works for the individual. I wish I had your focus with regards this as obviously you are crystal clear in your determination.

Your comments, fears with regards your employment position are also very pertinent. Similar again to you, I'm in a relatively decently paid job, however I do know that in August 2013 this will end. I'm on a temp contract which I have been informed already will not be renewed. This is not due to capability just to the fact of a change in Govt policy. In essence I have 19 more pay days to go. I'm in a slight conundrum here in that it is well paid and I know I'd have to take a hefty drop in wage if I moved jobs now, that is even if I was successful in securing another position. This is my major stress, I need to remain in this job for this period, chipping away at my debt. It would lead to a small redundancy payout, enough to keep the family going for 3/4 months. If I don't then get a job I'm screwed, I will have to come clean to the wife who will be panic striken (she worries about money already as is why I've decided to not tell her now). If the worse comes to the worse I will have though then paid a good chunk of the debts off and I'll be able to provide the hard evidence of the last 18 months determination with regards this.

I am a naturally glass half full person though in that equally I could continue in work for the next 18 months and then move straight into another job. I don't think there's any point in worrying too much about the future as in my case alongside boredom, stress I find often leads to a 'binge'.

Anyway, I've waffled on enough. I will continue to read your diary updates, keep going mate you will get there.

Day 58

Hi Mate (not calling you by your username), I have to say, it's of real comfort to know that there is someone in a really similar boat to me - although of course I would not wish this on anyone.

There's a few things in my life at the moment that are starting to get to me, and I have to say, I've fleetingly had gambling thoughts.

1. Full cold and knackered - bad start.

2. Debt burden is not lifting at the moment - in fact one of the Credit card's I wanted to get shot of in September, still has a few hundred quid left which is so frustrating.

3. Having survived the last bout of redundancies, whispers are rife at work about outsourcing. Again, feeling very insecure.

4. My work project is coming up against some huge obstacles which I did not foresee - massive work to put right = stress.

4. Had notification from 2 Credit cards about huge rate increases come Jan.

5. Got my 17 month 0% BT card through, and asked for paperless statements, which they don't provide - everything is through the post - my OH will find out if I use this card.

6. At home, incredibly snappy and quite nasty with the kids.

7. Snappy with my OH

There's a few other things going on as well, but unfortunately, it's doom and gloom at the moment. The Credit Card situation is also really getting me down - the min payments are still painfully high, but just about manageable.

I need to give myself a pep-talk.

Having just watched http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/…hc/Moving_On_Series_3_Punter/

has been the pep-talk I've needed.

Hi Michael 35

That programme too was recommended to me and mine was the exact same reaction. I watched it spellbound, elements of it reflect my own previous almost 'blinkered' approach to gambling.

Sorry to hear you're having a bit of a tough time at present. It sounds like you're juggling many balls and trying your very best to keep them all in the air. I'm sure we'll all experience such highs and lows, you just need to battle through. You've proved you can do it previously. I suppose it's controlling the controllables. Who knows whats round the next corner in life. I suppose we just have to accept this and deal with it when it comes upon us. You're doing a fantastic job, keep it up, from your diaries I can see how far you've travelled. Keep the faith, all the very best.

Just remember that each day that you don't gamble is another day towards becoming debt free.

That day will come, just be patient, eh.

Just think, also, what position you would be in right now had you gambled and lost every day for the last two weeks?

Food for thought, eh?

Enjoy your day, try and not worry about the debt - it will take care of itself.

GT

Day 59

Guys, yes that programme hit a real chord with me, and I'm not afraid to say the final scene brought me to tears. Anyway, I press on, but why do I feel down again ? I do get so frustrated with the attitude and apathy of pretty much everyone I know, including nearest and dearest, and it's been one of those days. But as ever, I bite my lip and say nothing - after all, whatever I say will not change a thing - people don't listen. So I focus on the 1 person I can influence, and that's myself, and not expect anything of anyone - because when I do, I end up utterly disappointed by them. It's painfully obvious that I'm on my own with this - so I press on again.

I know what you mean about feeling alone, but remember that you are not completely alone as you have the support of people on this site to help you. I think it is hard for non-gamblers to relate to gamblers and their problems. That is why this site is so important as we are all in the same situation - we've gambled until it hurts and then we've gambled again until we can go no further, we are in debt, and we must try to turn our lives around day by day. You're doing well so far - keep it going and good luck!

Day 60

Hi Pellekanin - Sorry about the rant yesterday, and yes, of course I have the support of you guys to which I'm deeply indebted to you all. My apologies for not recognising that in yesterdays post, but I was so angry.

Anyway, Day 60 starts, had another c**P night's sleep - unfortunately I have an OH who snores constantly. Happened for years, and she hates me sleeping in the spare bed. I have a good idea why it happens, and deep down I think she knows as well. But as I have allured to in previous posts, I can only influence myself. My OH is as stubborn as a mule, and incredibly defensive when it comes to any advice (and it's not about snoring), and can get very nasty with it. Sometimes I can't even bear being in the same room as her I feel so angry - but then again, it works both ways, she has to live with a gambler, but at least I'm doing something about it - and the amount of debt repayments I have made through thousands of hours of extra work over the last 2 or 3 years whilst my family sleep is proof of this. So again, I bite my lip and get on with my own challenges.

I sooooooo sympathise . My OH snores till the house shakes. I have spent 23 years sleeping on the floor or on the couch. This did not go down well in the end I told my Oh either I pay for the operation or you stop going on at me for sleeping else where. In the end Oh did not want the op. I now have my own room. I have a very low noice threshold, and it was total agony for me. Worst than the dentist , on holiday one year I slept on the balcony, and another time on the bathroom floor. I will only go on holiday now if I have my own room.

I really feel for you, you really seem to be struggling at the moment, I wished I could give you some advice on how to make things better. What I would say though, is sometimes I have put up with things or not put myself first because of believing I was a bad person due to my gambling, and trying to compensate to my family and friends for that. But we have to realise we are not and we DESERVE to have the best life we can as well, we made a mistake , this addiction took us over, but this does not mean that we should allow ourselves always to secondary to every one else because of it.

I just wanted to show you some support, I hope that I have not spoken out of turn , you seem like a really good guy, I hope your life improves for you in every aspect.

Take care

Kaza x