Closure - 13th Feb 2014

Day 115

I know it's only 115 days since the last gamble, but it seems a million miles away at the moment. I'm getting on with the day-to-day, but I'm hardly giving the debt a second thought now - although still very very high, with the reduction in mortgage payment I should start getting in Dec, then I should be rid of this CC debt in about 12 months. My gambling, seems a lifetime ago, and there are precisely 0 urges at the moment.

Out of interest, are you still spending several hours each week completing surveys, entering competitions and doing mystery shopping or have you wound that down now in order to achieve a better work-life balance?

Day 121

Hi Pellekanin, Yes, I am still doing the Mystery Shops etc, but my current financial predicament means that I need this extra cash to stay on top of the debts. What I was aiming to do last year in terms of debt repayments just hasn't happened, and I'm only a few thousand further forward than where I was 18months ago. But, as I've said in previous posts, I hopefully have some better news in a few months time, with a huge drop in Morgtgage repayments by December, and with a few years of low interest rates ahead, a way out of this financial mess. Since my initial binge 4 years ago, I've fallen off the wagon a few times, and always to win back what I've lost because I always believed 'my luck was about to change' - it never did. I cannot believe I'd ever go back, but I've been here before so I can't get complacent.

Day 124

Feeling a little low today. Why is it that no matter how upbeat I try to make myself feel, I sink back into feeling sorry for myself, unable to let go of my mess up. It's not that I don't want myself to, I just can't ever feel that I have, and I rue that I've wasted 4 years of my life feeling like this. But hang on, things should really start turning around soon money-wise, and this I know (although I'll not believe it until it happens), so what am I fretting about ? (errr...). What's done is done, but my best years are ahead, kids are achieving, doing well, money worries are lessening, there is a career waiting for me if I get off my backside, I live in a nice house, drive a nice car, and have a loving, close family, decent friends, living in a nice neighbourhood, earning good money. Yes, what the f**k am I feeling so low for after all. Pleased i wrote this.

Yo,,

Think everyone has low days. Even the richest happiest people in the world .

For us it depends how we deal with it . Normal people if there is such a thing , will ride the storm, and pull themselves out of it . Us well we used gambling to self medicate , to try to make ourselves feel differently .

This is so in ground , me I did this for over 30 years , so to break what was almost a reflex action is very difficult . Or at times just accept that we have up days and down days .

I do not know if you can see how far you have come in this journey . But I remember your early posts , the sadness and almost desperation about the situation you were in. You have done incredibly well , not just coping with that dept .( which I hope you get the news you need and are able to rejiggle things soon)

But in yourself , you sound in so much of a better place than you were , I know it's been hard , and I take my hat off to you , so a down day , recon your allowed the odd one lol

You take care

Shiny xxxxx

Day 142

Wow - that was close. I actually logged onto the Casino websites and tried to reset my passwords. I've already self-excluded from them, so couldn't get logged on even though my accounts seem to still exist. Why - probably bored and tired, and feeling a little down to be honest. Ignoring most advice, I've dedicated my spare time to work in the last 3.5 years. I haven't been neglecting my family, but even to this day, I'm struggling to allow myself any me-time - it's like a mental block. I feel that I can only live with myself if I dedicate myself to paying every last penny back. I'm meticulous about keeping a record of how I've done, and the figures are depressing. Since 2010, 126984 on-line Comps entered with 334 wins, 417 Mystery Shopping trips, 703 ******* items sold, 626 On-line Surveys completed and earned £2134 Cashback and worked 982hrs Overtime... and this falls well well short of even getting to half of the losses. Why can't I just let go of this ?

Hi Michael

I'm surprised that I'm the first to respond to your last post. It must be that you're doing well and not posting so much that the thread soon drops of the first couple of pages.

It's interesting what you say about being obsessed with paying back all your debt. I suspect that you're one of these driven people who must put 110% into everything they do. Would you say you were like this before you got into serious gambling ?

I suspect this must be the case given the incredible detail you've revealed regarding your extra money-making activities ( how the hell have you managed to enter over 126,000 on-line competitions in only two years ? )

I suppose all you can do is hope that you can ' climb down ' when your debt is eventually repaid but even when that happens I wonder if the thought that you lost it in the first place will continue to gnaw.

I know this makes pretty depressing reading but you must learn how to relax a bit and give yourself a breather now and again.

Best wishes

Blackjack

Day 145

Hi Blackjack, I can't figure my own head out at times. I think at one level, I've convinced myself that if I pay everything back that I've lost, then I can wipe the slate clean once and for all, but I'm not sure whether I'll feel like that when I finally reach it. Because what I've done is to simply exchange time for money. As I've said in previous posts, I'm still up to my eyes in debt, but I think some better news is coming in December on that front anyway (but I'll believe it when I see it). It's an obsession, which I cannot settle from. However, I'm feeling better for it, because I know paying for it and I'm hoping this will go someway to clearing my conscience.

P.S. 126000 in 2.5 years is about 140/day, which takes about 2hrs/day to rattle through - just need to be quick on the keyboard !

Day 148

Thanks to my gambling addiction, I've been living on a financial knife-edge for 18months now. In fact, to be honest, it's taken 4yrs of my life away. Hours and hours of work, worry and stress. But finally, I receive a letter from my mortgage company to confirm a huge drop in mortgage payments is due in November, saving about £900 in interest alone coming off a fixed rate onto a mega-low Base rate tracker. A chance to lay this episode to rest once and for all.

Day 156

Just tried to apply for 4 0% Balance Credit cards that MoneySupermarket said that I had a good chance of getting. Every single one was a reject ! It's destroyed my credit rating, but f**k 'em. Not really that bothered, because the CC's are going anyway, then the Overdraft, then the Mortgage. Good times are on the way.

Day 165

No thoughts of gambling at all. I know I'm going to reach 200 days, however I'm wary that from next month, I should have in the region of £1000 more disposable income/month, with a massive drop in mortgage repayments. Need to be on my guard.

Day 169

Nearly 6 months since my last gamble, but I've been here before, so no complacency. I need to keep my head down, pay off the debt, and close off every single credit card, and thus cutting off the supply of credit to fuel my binges. I will have a huge jump in disposable income starting next month - I need to be 100% on my guard for this coming. No thoughts at the moment, but I know that I'm only 1 trigger away from disaster. I might have an opportunity of a lifetime to put things right financially, but I'm aware that it could be very dangerous, and be massively counter-productive if I let it. 5 yrs of paying a huge mortgage, and next week I pay my last payment under the fixed rate conditions. After that, I move to a super-low base rate tracker which will save about £1000 in interest per month - need to make this count.

hi Michael

well done on your 6 months, that is a big achievement, i really hope you stick it out

you have a chance to live your life again!! especially with next month and the extra money, a big good luck to you i no you will do it,

like you say " I might have an opportunity of a lifetime to put things right financially"

Hollie x

Day 171

Just watched a Panorama program on Gamblers and how the Government are leaving it to the Gambling companies to spot and assist problem gamblers. I wish it didn't because it really made my P**s boil. So when I lost £29K to a Gambling company, which was shown in the documentary - I never once had any interaction with other than (a) to give them my money and (b) to tell them that I wanted to be excluded (to which they asked why ?). It's all a load of b*llocks. Problem gamblers are what these companies want, because in my case - they've made £29K out of me.

Hi Michael... yes i also watched that documentary. Its a sad inditement on the governments inaction on dealing with the gambling industry. As they said on the programme its the fact that the government don't recognise gambling addiction as a public health issue.. which consequently means that they don't pump money into research and treatment and do next to nothing about the dangers posed to society where you can lose a months wage in minutes in a machine or online.

Personally am not angry with the actual people who work in the gambling hell holes. They have never interacted with me either (even when i once sat at a machine and cried) other than to offer a cup of tea or a ticket for some draw that then gives you a free credit in a machine. It takes a brave and trained employee to tackle an angry or very emotional punter.

Nothing will change any time soon, cos there is not the political will.. so all we can do is continue to try and focus on self and not give the gambling industry anymore of our hard earned money. Good stuff on your gambling free time. Regards... S.A