Michael well done on not giving in to the temptations , having gone 237 days I am sure that's what gave you the insight not to deposit
Well done and maybe post a little more if possible to overcome these urges ?
Keep up the great work
Day 239
Thanks mr woody, and yes, you're right, that number at the top of each of my posts is a reminder of how far I've come. The disappointment of having to set this back to 0 would is enough to make me thinks twice. Pleasingly, this time around, those thoughts have come to nothing.
And yes, I don't think i post enough on this forum - no where near enough. I pop in for 10 mins every other day to update my own diary - which does work to an extent, but I need to start reading other people's diaries to help and support (we are a community after all with a common goal), and also to put perspective against my own struggles.
Michael.
Fella just a quick fly by to say be very proud of you efforts on your continued abstinence.
For me recovery is bespoke do what suits you and your recovery. The choice you make each day which adds to that wonderful tally speaks in volumes to me the reader.
Inspiring.
Thankyou and well done, be proud and most of all enjoy your success.
Duncs stepping forward never back
Day 244
Thanks Duncs for your heart-warming comments. But, it's been one of those days unfortunately. Not sure what I've done, but my wife and kids are shutting me out today. Think they're tired, whilst I'm bouncing around with boundless energy. It's at times like this that I ask what I'm doing with my OH. I look back and I just feel anger and frustration at every twist and turn of our lives together, and I've stuck it out because I know she loves me dearly, and I think that "it'll be alright in the end". There's a million reasons why I think that most men would left already, but I've invested so much time and effort in making something of this, I just don't think I could. When we first started out, we were so similar in all areas. But since then, I just feel that I've given so much, and for my OH to act so cold towards me is so annoying that I feel that I just want to explode with rage. She's unbelievably stubborn, so talking to her will not solve anything - in fact, it'll just make me even more angry. When we started out, we were very similar but our lives have diverged so much and I just feel that every facet of my life is taken advantage of these days. It's really tough at times like these, but hell, I say f**k the lot of them - this is my life, and I make the decisions.
Michael
fella sorry to read about your troubles, but rest assured my friend that utter truth is your life gamble free is better by far for you than when you were at it.
Keep making the choice that is best for you.
For that be proud.
Duncs stepping forward never back
Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch at home. I think we all feel the way you have described sometimes. I hope it does not affect your recovery. Bad times in my life have always been associated with reckless gambling binges. Try not to make things worse by ruining your recovery. Stick at it and try to reason with your wife if you feel she is taking advantage of you and using you. You sound like a good person and I hope she realises that. Good luck with your ongoing recovery.
Day 245
Guys, your comments are worth so much, and especially in times like these. If I was angry yesterday, I'm twice as bad today. I've been let down very very badly today by my son - someone who I have given so much, in time and guidance, and for him to continually act in this manner is driving me to insanity - they way he talks to me, I'd never in a million years even considering talking to my own parents like this, but my OH always defends him. Again, I feel shut out. I've worked my n*ts off today, and as I write this I can here them sitting in front of TV yawning. I've been up since 6, worked for two hours, taken the dog out, tidied the house, taken my son to his club, came back, went food shopping, did some cooking for the week, completed my Tax return, written this, and they're asking me what I'll be cooking dinner, and they can't understand why I'm so angry. After I've done this, I have to do the dishes, take the dog out again, do my back exercises (I have bad back problems at the moment), help my son and daughter with their homework, put them to bed, do another 2 hours work, and go to bed myself. Now this may be just a normal day, but my OH got up at 9, sat in front of TV most of the day, yawning, and will go to bed at 10. I just want a family with some get up and go. I've worked my n*ts off for the last 3 or 4 years and we have the best of most things because of my endeavours only, so when I here them all, sitting on their backsides yawning or complaining, it really really does my nut. I have to be strong because I know where this has ended up in the past.
Hi Michael
It must be tough when you feel your family, particularly your wife, aren't on your wavelength. I don't know how old your kids are but if they're teenagers ( or close to ) then that's always a problem, although hopefully not quite as bad as the Kevin so amusingly portrayed by Harry Enfield ( lol ).
Have your family always been happy to let you do so much ? If that's so then they're bound to let you carry on although it could be that you fall into the trap of doing things yourself as you feel you do them ' better '. I know that's one of my faults. I may be wrong but I get the feeling that you've always been a bit of a workaholic. Not that many people are like that but it must be frustrating if others don't appear to do their ' fair share '. All you can really do is bite your tongue and not let it become a huge issue.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You need to try to relax a bit more. f**k it if the house isn't ' just so '. You've worked too hard for the last few years...w*f's this getting up at 6am on a Sunday all about ??
You really must try to find some ' me ' time Michael. We all need to switch off sometimes we really do.
Blackjack
Day 247
Had an incredibly annoying day today - does my anger know no bounds. Yes, my OH again - and she's taking a massive massive lend. But she's stubborn, so unable to talk to her - I've given her hints that I'm not happy with her, but she doesn't respond. I tell her straight, but she gets very very nasty, physical on some occasions. One day, I will leave, because she's taking the P**s - but I need to get things sorted first.
Day 252
Just released that I've just past through the 250mark !! Anyway, things still difficult at home, OH is still taking the P**s, and my eldest is still playing up. Gambling thoughts again, a million miles away after the recent blip, but I feel that I have to keep my mind focused all of the time, when it wanders, then that seed plants itself in my mind. I just feel that I have to be doing something, and not sitting idly in front of the TV - perhaps this is just me.
Day 253
My wife has been teaching my son some card games, including blackjack which just does not feel right. I just don't think she realises. She doesn't even know what I lost £80,000 on - i.e. blackjack. It's really unsettling when my son asks me to play him at blackjack - my OH can't see why I wouldn't want to play. During this long long road, 4 years next month since I first 'cracked', I've had some financial support, which is in the process of being paid back, but nothing else. One 30min conversation with my OH , and told to "Just stop". One 15min conversation with my parents when I was told to "Just stop" - I remember the dates so well. Since then, left on my own to sort it out. God forbid, if I ever had a son or daughter, or even my OH, go through what I have, I'd make sure I was there, a rock through thick and thin - rather than my case, being called "an idiot", and then being left to sort it out myself.
Day 257
Still in a really really bad place. Feel like I'm being treat sh*te at the moment. Lets face it, I'm a push-over. It doesn't matter what I say, or what I do, or how much time or effort I put into stuff - it really doesn't make a jot of difference. I'm just plain sick of it all, the squabbles, the arguing, the constant moaning, the self-righteousness, the snobbery, the arrogance. My secret - only known to my OH, parents and 1 other family member - I've lost a fortune - 80-90K, and I've been through hell - but I've come out the other side, with everything still intact. I've achieved this, quietly and with dignity. I've earned the right to hold my head up, and rise above the sh*te. After all, I owe nothing to anyone, so why should I give a toss ?
Day 262
Not really feeling anything at the moment. Gambling thoughts are far away, financial situation is still perilous, but I'm so use to it now, and being able to make ends meet every month, that it's becoming less of an issue , and it doesn't occupy my every thought. I wish it were gone, and repayments are painfully slow, and credit card debts have hardly reduced in 18 months - but I'm finding that it doesn't bother me. A bit weird really.
Day 269
Almost slipped up a few weeks ago, but back on track now. I have managed to find a way of knocking some time off my tasks every day, so I've reduced my work load my 30mins / day, but achieving the same amount - clever me ! Finally starting to feel like the debts are reducing. Mind you, credit rating is still low, and recent CC application for a 0% BT was rejected. Oh well.
Michael,
I would strongly recommend GA to you. It's not full of down and outs or religious loonies but instead people like you or I that are dealing with the exact sameissues of life in recovery. Your thoughts on this forum are so similar and I think you would benefit from relating to the rants and reflections of others. Just my two cents.
Brian
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