Dan's Journey

My life fell apart for the last time on the 25th January 2017

I was over 50k in debt, maxed out credit cards and a mega loan, i've not been able to get any extensions, any more credit and had nothing in the bank. 25th Jan was pay day. I woke up hesitant, the thought, just £500 put it in my online account and i'll treble it.

I looked at my account. I had nearly nothing, my wages had been swallowed by going so far over my overdraft the month before.

I'd not been able to gamble for days beforehand.

I broke down, i was at work, i felt physically sick. I was consumed by gambling.

My wife had left me the week before and took my two kids, i had promised myself no more when she came back but yet again i had failed. At this point she didn't know the full extent of the debt. I'd lied and hid as much as i could.

I spent all day in a bad place, looking at bad things on the internet and had started the process to end things. My only thoughts were that i could save my family with my life insurance. At 15:00 my boss found me, literally scraped me of the floor and started the process to save me.

I knew i had to first tell my wife everything, i needed money now for bills, so i had to speak to my parents and i had to come clean at work to stop things at work, the easiest place because i'm on my own most of the time.

Roll on 24 hours, my wife and parents now knew the full extent of my gambling and so did my bosses. They knew what my dark thoughts were, they knew i couldn't go on, they new they had to intervene.

This was the start of my recovery. 26th January Day 0 GF.

I had laid it all out to my wife, my parents and my boss.

My boss immediately puts plans in place to stop me at work, got in contact with various agencies to give me advice and even helped me arrange councilling. My wife arranged an appointment to see the family GP. I had to go and beg for money off my parents to pay my bills.

I still felt like pulling the plug. I had done the difficult part, admitted my problem, admitted the full extent to my loved ones but hardest thing was the thought of not placing that next bet. How, telling my family the truth was easier than not placing the next bet.

What am i? who am i?

27th January Day 1 GF.

I woke up with urges, i felt dreadful and hadn't slept properly. I dreamed of ending things, how can i live with the guilt, i felt ashamed, i felt i didn't deserve these people in my life. How can i look them in the eye, i've lied for so long, i've hid everything. If my wife wanted money, i gave it, only thinking i'll win it back tomorrow. How can i survive this.

I wanted to die, i imagined a car crash on the way to work, driving into a wagon, a wall something.

28th January Day 2 GF

Another night of remorse, regret, guilt and sinister dreams. I woke up to a text from my mum, saying the money for bills was at her house and i can collect it. I had a brew and went with my oldest son (my wife and parents don't get on) to collect the money. I had £1k in my pocket for bills. I needed to take it to the bank which shut early as it was saturday. The money needed to be cleared in my account for the bills coming out on Monday.

The temptation of going in to one of the three bookies i past going to the bank, the thoughts my mind fighting with me, saying you can't lose, you can double it, you know you can do it. I hated my life right now.

I made it to the bank and put the money in. I got home and told my wife the thoughts i'd had and how it's making me feel.

I received one negative comment back, a quick snide remark,i don't blame her and she didn't know she said it. I can't even tell you what it was but it made me feel worthless which made me want to bet even more, my mind saying do it, go on, saturday football starts soon, do it, go on, prove it works, turn that £1k in to £10k today and show her it was just a bad run, a losing streak.

I spent all day wrestling with my mind, no matter what i did it was there, eating away at me. I had the money in my account and availability to as many online sites i wanted. I don't know what stopped me but i didn't give in. Maybe my wife, my kids but something stopped me.

29th January Day 3 GF

I was sat on the bed, listening to my kids laughing and having fun downstairs. I had to leave this place, my only way out is to end myself. I hadn't slept, i wanted to bet. Just clear my debts, half them, something is better than nothing. I can't go on thinking like this, i should be downstairs with my kids playing and laughing.

We were supposed to be going on holiday with friends later this year. We were seeing them today for lunch at their house.

Since the 25th, all i had eaten was beans on toast one night and sausage and beans on toast another. 2 meals in four days. We had no money, i didn't deserve to eat, as long as my kids are ok (they ate well). I can cope. I was looking forward to going to my friends just because i could eat and try and be normal.

I told my mate my problem, admitted everything, he was gobsmacked. Our flights are paid for and the deposit for the villa. Straight away he said, i'll pay it, i'll pay the rest of the villa. Even if you only have money for food, the break, the sun the time with family away from this nightmare could help the repair process. I was ashamed. What have i done, they don't have much, they both struggle, i'm normally the one that lends them money on holiday because they run out.

I'd told him he'll get it back, don't know when, but i'll sort it.

We went home and later that day he text me and said, "no worries, i have your back and we're in it together, love you all xx"

I felt so ashamed, i had the support of my family, my bosses at work and our closest friends, but it made me feel ashamed, embarrassed. All these good people running around after me and it was my fault, no one elses.

30th January Day 4 GF

Another night of wrestling, still had the money in my account before 0900. go on double it, you know you can.

It's ok, i'll win, straight online, still had some money in my account. I didn't. I cried, lost the plot and went into meltdown.

That was it, its broke me, I didn't bet, i reached for the 2 x12packs of paracetamol i had in my drawer.

I looked online at the process what would happen if i did, I suppose my last cry for help before i took them. I saw samaritans and thought about ringing them, i saw various other websites GAMCare being one of them. I clicked the link and read a few posts and as one last cry registered and logged in myself and wrote a post.

Within one hour two people reached out. Samephil and Emily82. I can hand on heart say. They saved my life, i had no intention of returning home that day, i had already started typing a note to my wife and children.

I read some of their posts and others and it was very clear i am not alone, more people replied and made me see some sense, some idea's to stop the ability to fuel the fire, such as handing over finances, closing accounts, adding blocking software.

The more i read and saw the more i saw a light at the end of it, the more i wanted to think i'm going to be ok.

That night I was sat in the living room with the wife watching the soaps, a main time i would sneak online on my phone.

SamePhil posted to me saying about online chat starts at 9. I joined in and SamePhil was there. talking to me and had logged on to support me and told others he had been concerned and had logged on to support me. Someone i had never met with his own story logged on to support me. We talked, talked to others, another person in the chat was feeling like i had felt earlier and i reached out.

My spellchecke
r went in to stupid mode and i asked a question, how do people feel about gamblers anonymous meetings, which came out garden house meetings, and we had such a laugh poking fun with witty comments about planting the seeds to overcome gambling and it's the root of all evil.

I laughed for the first time in weeks, maybe month's.

Thank you all who was there on that Chat and especially SamePhil.

31st January Day 5 GF Today

I had bad dreams, bad thoughts, dreamt i'd won all my money back and woke up thinking about betting.

I Logged straight in to this forum and read a few posts from last night directed at me from my forum post yesterday. More support and positive comments.

I do not want to end my life today, i want to sort it out, yes it may be hard for a few years paying the debt back, but i'm not adding to it, i'm not losing, everyday i'm winning and my odds are 100% every second, minute, hour.

I'm going to post, read and help as much as i can, this website and the people on it saved me yesterday. I want to be here, i want and need your support and i'm willing to give it back 10 fold to the people starting this process.

I'm on day 5 already, halfway to double figures.

I have no money, my wife has it all. I don't care, i'm here, i get to see my wife and kids in the morning and at night, birthdays and christmas, i get to tell them i love them. They have been extremely supportive, they know my problems. However, they don't understand how i feel, what i'm thinking, how it makes me feel but you guys on here reading this and supporting me do.

i'm still here, day 5 GF and thats because of you!