Dan's Journey

Hi Dan, so now you can say " I am good in big groups and can talk to people" ....well done. Great to hear you sounding so positive.

Dan, very powerful diary. I am seeking that happiness, that relief. It hasn't arrived yet. I am sure it will. I admire your resolve so much. To tomorrow, we meet you head on, with an intention not to gamble.

Julie x

9th March Day 42 GF Today

A rather uneventful day yesterday. I feel tired today, very tired. My ooommmppphhh has gone, my mojo has walked away. Somehow i feel very low. Don't know why. Need to stay strong, my pangs for Gambling are very strong today already.

Need to find that strength.

Today I will not gamble

All the best to everyone for another GF day. Let's smash it again!

Dan it will come back mid week blues don't let it get to you almost the weekend and by monday you will be 46 days G/f 4 more and the big 50 get right in there.

Oh on another note if you need any motivation as why we stopped gambling read your diary from start to finish the urges will leave you in a second.

Stay Strong Stay G/f

Malc

Hang in there Dan. You will feel better for not gambling in the long run that's for sure.

Our Lady.

Hey dan
Firstly ....your doing great mate ...what a way you've cone since that first post of yours...
Now...those urges....that loss of oomph...mojo. ...whatever we like to call it....
In my experience it's all very normal...youve been on such a posative roll. ..your entitled to feel a bit blahhhh ....it happens...it's Ok...all that matters is how you deel with it....take care

Feel really low.
Haven't eaten really since Tuesday Lunch. Just don't have the money and trying to leave enough for the kids and wife (diabetic).
Hate what I've done, this is enough to make sure I don't gamble again. Need food and hugs and don't know in what order.

It's ok Dan to feel low. You need to get some food to fill your belly, is there anyone you can ask? Are there any local food banks? When is your next GA meeting? Tell them how you are feeling. Take care.

Am going to send some positive thoughts your way, and a wish that the universe intervene's in the situation. My heart is broken that you are hungry. I have had times like that too, and hate what gambling has done to me, Dan get your self something to eat. Porridge, banana, you need slow releasing energy foods. Right here is a tip and don't laugh. Tesco have a basket with fruit in it, that is free for kids. Am not sure they do it in your Tesco, but they did it where I was today. Food Bank Dan, you have paid enough into society, and you have. It is not charity, it is helping when we all need that dig out. This is an addiction, if you could have helped it, you would not be in this position. Another tip...stick a £20 note or lower, under something. I have started doing that. At least when funds are running really low, you have it there, that is for payday....

This bad time will pass. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers. If you feel a comforting (invisible) hand on your shoulder, that is me.

Sending you this biggest hug in the world, now go forth and eat eomething....

Julie x

Hugs 1st & not exactly my strong point Dan but also sending you cyber ones (next time you pass a lampost, give it a squeeze & it'll be like I'm there in person)!

I completely get where you are coming from, I had crashing lows from no-where really, but as previously said, you MUST eat! Recovery isn't about punishing ourselves, it's about finding our way to a better life & if that means going cap in hand to foodbanks or friends to eat then that's what needs to be done. I don't know if you have a local shop near you but if you explained the situation, left your name & address, I'm sure they would allow you bread & milk on tick.

If you don't look after yourself whilst fighting this illness it really will knock the stuffing out of you. So back tall, chin up & keep pushing towards that light - ODAAT

10th March Day 43 GF Today

Yesterday was probably the hardest day I have had since the first few days of admitting i am a compulsive gambler.

I don't know where it came from but it hit my hard, very hard. I've tried to analyse it but can't figure out where it came from.

I think i am putting too much pressure on myself to be the best that i can be and i need to still give myself some time to continue to heal to continue this process in the best way possible.

Thank you to everyone that posted yesterday. I have put massive pressure on our family this month to make sure we have enough money for our holiday in June. I need to make sure we can have it to help this recovery process.

My family need this holiday to help heal the wounds i have inflicted. One of the downsides to this is we have basically no money and living day to day. This process ends on my next pay day. From then on we are comfortable. I have 2 weeks left of pain.

I know i can get through this, it's just 2 weeks and it will bring so much happiness to be on that plane and to escape this for 2 weeks. It will help repair my marriage which to be honest is looking pretty ropey at the minute. I feel myself and my wife are pretty much living seperate lives in the same house, i try and get close and try and talk but feel as though a wall has been built between us. It's hard very hard to deal with. I know i'm responsible, it's my fault and i'm doing my best. I think i just need a cuddle and a simple I know your trying from her.

As always, i'm determined to be better today than yesterday.

Today I will not gamble

All the best to everyone for another GF day. Let's smash it again!

Dan,

Have you built the wall, or her? I don't mean that in a flippant way. Sometimes, we as in you that feels that you have hurt her and messed everything up, don't feel you deserve that hug, or that reasssurance. When you go home tonight, go and try and connect with your wife, spend a few minutes talking with her. No need to re-hash what has already been said and done, just smile at her and tell her the nice things that you want to tell her. Don't take blame into that situation. re-call a memory, your wedding day, the day the kids were born, happier times. Maybe she is hurting, maybe she cannot hug you, maybe there is anger there, try tonight and over the weekend to share some moments. The holiday will come, these two weeks will be over. The universe still hasn't intervened yet, and I am sure it is going to, I have had a word!

Remember one thing, when one gets kicked we all limp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What I mean is, I am sure you got married in some sort of traditional way. The vows you made on that day, come back to being needed now. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. This is the worse, and you made them vows for the times ahead. I think when I get married, I am going to write my own, I really believe in them to be for the future.

Show kindness to yourself today Dan, and show kindness to yourself everyday you get up, you are but a mere human being, we all make mistakes....Sending a huge hug up that motorway...

I just wanted to leave you a message for the week ahead. I cannot say that the weekend has been kind to me Dan, but I have battled through it. I have an assessmengt for 1:1 counselling tomorrow...it is on my friend, it is on.

I thought of you a number of times over the weekend, but am concious that the weekend is family time. As you start the week tomorrow, smile into it. I wish you nothing but success and best wishes.

Take care of you and yours.

Julie x

13th March Day 46 GF Today

1st check in for a few days, been such a busy weekend with the family and the kids keeping me very busy.

It looks like i have a lot to catch up on, some of my gamcare friends seem to have lots of posts. I'm sorry if i have missed anything or not been there to chat as per normal.

I haven't really got much to say. Busy with the family, managed to get enough money together for a big food shop so the freezer and cupboards are full. This should now last until payday which is good.

I have my open evening tomorrow at GA, i don't think the wife is coming which makes me a little sad, i wanted the support, i think i may find it difficult on my own with everyone else there with there partners.

As always, i'm determined to be better today than yesterday.

Today I will not gamble

All the best to everyone for another GF day. Let's smash it again!

Dan tomorrow is your open meeting, and even though your wife cannot be there, hopefully you are able to chat about it. Maybe your wife cannot go. You have started to walk on the gamble free journey and we all stand shoulder to shoulder with you on that. But I can imagine that she is trying to adjust to how your lives have changed, changed for the better, but changed. If she doesn't go, understand that. You will not be lonely in that meeting, you have a loving wife and family to return home to, so keep that in your mind. When you get home tomorrow night, or over the next few days, tell her about the meeting, tell her how maybe at some point in the future you would love her to attend, but understand that this is her decision, but make sure you keep that communication going. Also, allow yourself to be sad tomorrow night night. If you fight the sadness, it takes over you. Say those words, I am sad that my wife isn't coming to the open meeting. I admire you Dan, I do genuinely admire the courage that your showing.

Happy Tuesday for tomorrow.

Julie x