Hi
I joined last night, today is day one. Day one all over again.
i went about 7 years and have pretty much destroyed my life all over again in 6 months.
I was in the happiest place I have ever been and I hate myself to the core. I don’t know what’s happened.
im an absolute mess inside and I’m trying so hard to pretend everything is ok so that I don’t break my husbands heart. He’s the most supportive person but I just can’t tell him. I’m scared I will lose him and that if I don’t, he will slowly begin to hate me.
I’m crying now as I type this because I’ve just hit rock bottom. I can’t breathe and I just feel so lost and confused.
I owe so much money that i feel like im drowning all over again.
im not upset I can’t gamble anymore, I didn’t need to gamble to start with. Then I did it to stupidly attempt to repair the hole I had made.
I just know that i am addicted and need to be here to stop the constant want to because I will literally spend any money I Â have on it.Â
I just feel disgusting, angry at myself and most of all heartbroken I could have ever done this to my husband.
it was never casinos for me, I could actually walk into one and spend £10 and go. To me that’s because of people around, people can see. I don’t have urges because the social side makes me uncomfortable and overtakes any urges to be bothered.
For me, everything is online. You lose track, it’s like money isn’t real. Last time it was roulette, this time it was slots. I went to slots because of the speed, even roulette had become to slow. Speed roulette messed with my number patterns as I didn’t have time.
I know I can beat this again by being here and because I’ve blocked myself for the max 5 years. I just can’t face what will happen with my marriage as a result of my completely unacceptable behaviour.
if you’ve read this, I apologise, my head is all over.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You realize now that you need to change for the better and that is good. I do believe things are going to work out for you. I feel that it would be best for you to come clean to your husband and approach it like this: I need help and I would like to ask you for your help so that I can beat this addiction. This way your husband can be your supporter. He will probably realize that getting angry with you is not going to help the situation and I think he will try to help you. Best wishes.
@gerard-g thank you for your reply, it means a lot. It does make sense and deep down I know he will be hurt that I haven’t told him.
I’ve just let him down so badly that I don’t think he will be angry, I just think he will feel too betrayed to forgive me. I think he will walk and I’ll have lost the best man I have ever met and will ever meet. I really did have it all.
I’m trying to cling onto him before my world crashes. It’s only a matter of time before the money issues surface.
Ive being trying to keep myself busy these last two days. When i stop and I think, I’m filled with so much sadness and guilt that I immediately cry.
I’ll occasionally update on here as it’s a good place for me to come and write how I’m feeling, it does help.
Â
Hey how are you feeling x
@littlemix I’m so sorry, I’ve only just seen this. Thank you for asking. I’m assuming you’ve seen my further updates since, it’s just one day at a time now. Thank you again x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
