Day 1 again...further back then ever

Can’t stop keep losing, stop putting yourself down, you need to feel the lowest you can be to overcome this, if you didn’t feel this way you would just go and do it again. Do you not feel like you can talk to your partner about this? You’ll feel a massive weight taken off your shoulders

Oh no that's terrible
Make sure you're not alone and have support around you!

I know exactly what you're feeling. Just focus on the now, forget the plan today and give your self a chance to recover emotionally.

The final steps are always the hardest.

Keep going!

Secrecy is the worst thing. Tell your partner, confide in your Dad. That will be a deterrent. Get them to take over your finances and hold your cash for you. I know it is hard to open up but you might find it is a weight lifted off your shoulders if they know the full story. By the way 32 is still young and you still have plenty of time to sort a future for yourself. Stop worrying about what people think about you not having a property yet. There are loads of 30somethings sttruggling to get on the property market anyway. You have a job which is a bonus so build on what income you get from that. Look into everything you owe and ring a debt management company. If you stop gambling now, and I can see you have already achieved Day 1 and started putting blocks into place, you can concentrate of sorting your finances and planning on how you can eventually afford that house. You have time and if you start looking forward instead of mulling over your losses you might see a light at the end of the tunnel. Go to that wedding with the thought that you can have a future after all. I hope you will ring Gamcare.

Take care.

Listen mate, there'll be lots of folk here who can genuinley empathise with you, you are not unique in what you have done. The fact is though, that you have done it. You cant deny it. But it's done now, acceptance is a very hard thing to practice but it is neccasary if you are to move on.

Accept that the money and the time you've spent has gone. Dwelling on it will serve no purpose. Neither will keeping things from the people who love you. Yes it's hard, very hard but secrets and compulsive gamblers, even those in a long period of absitinence/recovery, is a deadly combination.

When I was 32 ( 20 years ago ), I felt exactley as you described in your first couple of posts. You are not as young as you were, but you still have a long future in front of you, it is possible to change.

I had been to prison 4 times by the time I was 30, all crimes I done to fund gambling. I come from a good family I am the only one in my family to ever get into trouble with the police. I was never a criminal before I gambled. In 1998 (when I was 32), I was in hiding in a scruffy squat after stealing a substancial amount of money from a criminal gang I had been involved with. I ended up taking an overdose with vodka (shoplifted vodka....tablets on free prescription, sleeping tablets, painkileers, anxiety and depression tablets). I ended up in a psychiatric ward, it must have been this time of year because the world cup was on.

I was in that hospital for 6 weeks. I'm not going into the details of how I stole the money or what criminal activity I was involved in, however I ran away to the USA with it, nearly six thousand pounds. I didnt go straight to Vegas, but eventually ended up there via Atlantic City and Hollywood Park, I commited 3 crimes there, they are all classed as felonies as oppossed to misdameaners which means I would be arrested if I were to ever return to the USA. I even managed to get a loan there I had to leave my passport as security, I also had to leave my return plane ticket as security at the hotel I stopped in.

My intention was to do myself in at this stage, my family hadn't heard from me for months, this effected my daughter big style.

But here I am.

I'm not going to hijack your thread with details of my journey but please believe me, that people, including you and I can learn to change, however hard it may seem when you are at your lowest ebb.

But in order to do so you have to believe in yourself, believe you can change. For me accepting the fact I could change was something I didn't truly believe until many years later. Once I accepted I could change, lo and behold I started to.

I would suggest that you taking control over your life from the addiction is the most important thing you have to do, for your sake, the sake of your partner, and your loved ones.

If you continue and keep your last gambling catastrophe a secret, what has changed? Isn't this something you've done before? It dosn't help you or anyone.

Start taking control of your life mate. I went back to jail in 2005, 17 years after I had last been inside, it never left me until I really started afresh. I went into re-hab which was great that was in 2010, but I still went back to gambling it has been a hard fight and I had given up on myself.

I'm now over 500 days since I last gambled (that was a lottery ticket) if it weren' for that I'd be another 50 or 60 days gambling free. The amount of days, weeks, months or years isn't important to me, what is important is today.

If you genuinley want to stop then I think you have to spill the beans, the amount of shouting and swearing when you spill the beans might be awful but once people have had time to absorb what you've said I would think all they'd want is for you to get this sorted once and for all.

You're a compulsive gambler mate, there's no shame in that. You are here seeking support, have you tried GA and/or counselling to help. There is also the NHS gambling clinic, and the GMA if rehab is something you'd consider. The reason I ask is when you tell your family you'll be able to show them that you're taking steps to get your life back in order rather than just make the same old half hearted promisses that you've made in the past. Remember they've "heard it all before", this time show them what you're doing prehaps ask your partner and or Dad to get practically involved with your recovery. Let your missus handle the money, let her have your online banking details so she can monitor your account, there are lots of things you can do to help yourself.

10 months might seem a long time at the minute, but its not a lifetime.

I have no qualms about telling people I am a CG, I'm not ashamed of the fact. However I can understand you not wanting to tell people, it's up to you how you proceed with that.

You should be proud of the fact you are at last standing up to this addiction, many don't.

It's not going to be easy but the rewards if you turn yourself around are well worth it.

Gambling dosn't work for you, you've tried. Its now time to take your life back from it.

Nobody ever makes us gamble, although that's how it feels at times. But despite what we think at the time we dont "just end up gambling" we've gambled when we've wanted to. We chose to gamble, we chose to lie, we chose to keep things to oursleves. We didn't have to do it. But we chose to do it.

Chaos is a ladder. (Quote from Game Of Thrones). Out of the chaos you can climb.

I dont post on here too often, I read a hell of a lot though. When you said you were no longer young at 32 compelled me to post.

Like I said I am 52, my life is so much better without gambling in it. But the biggest bonus for me is not wanting to gamble, the desire has long gone. I hope it never returns, one thing I've learnt is that losing touch with support is a very dangerous thing, thats why I keep reading the forums.

I wish you all the very best in your quest for a gamble free life. There's no need to ever make a comittment to a gamble free life, just a commitment to remain gambling free for today. Thats all I ever do. Thankfully the last 514 todays have all been gambling free for me. Today is the one that's important though.

All the best.

Geordie.

Hi Geordie, first of all I have to say thank you for posting your personal story. It sounds as though you have had an incredibly tough time with gambling over the years. I wish you all the best on your continuing journey.

I've read some of the recent posts about opening and talking to someone. The reasons holding me back are not just the shame/embarrassment but the fact that the only person (potentially) benefiting from that will be me.

The other part is that I will be giving the message that I am a liability to those close to me. They will have to spend energy and effort to help me whilst always wondering what I am doing every time I'm more than a few minutes late or early. Its not fair to them.

It's the escalation of the amounts that's knocked the stuffing out of me, along with the speed it all fell apart. Neither of the 2 high street bookmakers staff did anything, happily taking debit card transactions one after another. These are supposedly safe places to gamble responsible as they have argued whilst trying to defend reducing limits on fobts.

In my experience the staff have no training nor interest in protecting a vulnerable customer. Coupling this with the completely ineffectual multi operator scheme and there's an argument for saying it's as dangerous on the high street as it is online! At least online once you have self excluded most operators will be alerted to your email, card etc. So at least some level of shield is put forward.

The realisation to my gf is the worst effect, as she will eventually realise she can never trust me with money. I have tried the gp route already and have not really had the level of support is hoped for - just getting an appointment was enough of a drama.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here; might be enough to just have somewhere to track and vent. Trying my best to look at the bright side but struggling...

We are all individuals so please dont think I'm trying to dictate to you.

But I will quickly tell you why I disagree. You most certainly would not be the only person to benefit from openning up. Suppose the very worse scenario. You tell your girlfriend, she's had enough and ditches you A bitter pill to swallow I agree, but how much worse for her if she ever found out? How on earth do you intend on getting through the next ten months without telling her?

Say you dont tell her, in 6 or 7 months she expecting to go for a mortgage with you...the spit will really hit the fan then, (not allowed to say "s**t"......told ya).

If she' see's that you are genuinley and activley seeking the help and she loves you, chances are she'll support you mate. If she dosnt or needs time, or wants to leave, thats her perogative but at the end of the day living a lie to woman you love, and one who loves you back is not fair, and it's certainley no basis to start off a lifetime together. The best thing for her is hear it from you before it becomes just another dirty little secret.

The reason so many people, (mostly those who have an amount gamble free time behind them or the partners or parents of recovering gamblers), suggest this to you is because we've been there and lived through it. Nobody wants to see you make the mistakes that we all have. It never changes mate. Compulsive gamblers and lies go to gether. Break the cycle. Tell her, and tell her everything once its out its out.

In fairness to you, I never listenned to other peoples advice I also had great reasons for not telling my partner, parents and others. Then it clicked I wasn't going to get better carrying on living a dishonest life. Its hard I felt 5 years old. It's embarrassing but to get better it just has to be done.

I'm not going to use your username mate, because you can stop and you wont keep losing if you dont gamble.

You'll start winning the day that you bite the bullet.

Mate I'm no proffessional I just know from over 35 years of pathetic gambling what eventually worked for me, but from reading of others experiences's and my own I know that those who dont come clean for whatever reason nearly always end up deeper in the dirt eventually.

Seriousley man, you cant keep this a secret for 10 months.

Also I know from speaking to many partners and parents of CG's that the worst of it is from their point of view the lies and deceit because you couldn't face sharing a problem. Regardless of the amounts of money, the lies and deceit is usually what brings down a relationship. Sadly a leason I've learnt the hard way.

Anyway enough said.

What I post is only my opinion, whatever way you go you will always be supported here.

All the best.

Is that day 4 done now?

Day 4 complete
Real test will be payday in a few days time.

Came clean to the gf. She's was supportive but I dont think she realises what I was confessing to.

I told her the whole truth but I'm convinced she did quite comprehend the implications of it all. Honestly the whole scenario is a complete nightmare.

Any tips on dealing with being completely fed up with life?

I am now committed to working for free until this debt is cleared. If using up savings left and a few over payments could be debt free by end of year.

Negative is though would literally have nothing. The damage feels permanent- I feel I have no choice but to now accept a lesser life...

Feel like the stupidest person I know or am likely to meet!

How could I not figure out the enormity of these losses and just stop???

Hi again CSKL

Keep reading the posts above. Look at Geordie, bless him - what a rollercoaster life he has had but in the end he really wants that good life and it sounds like he is going all out to get it - 500 days - and it sounds like he might double that because he has now turned to thinking positive and he his helping people by sharing his experiences. I hope he is leading a less stressful life now. I know that is hard when you have hit rock bottom but it can be done. It is good to see you have been taking some advice from above writers and told your partner. I am afraid that her losing trust with you and your money is part- and- parcel of all of this, If it was her gambling would you not feel the same and want to be watching her every move? That is a bit of a penalty for you but it is your job now to get her to trust you again. Let her into your finances, let her help you sort out a budget etc, get her involved in your recovery. You say you hope to be debt free in a year - some people take years - that year will go quick. I know you are fed up about this but that is a price you have to pay but when it is all sorted you can properly plan for the future. The trouble is the gambling and the losses and embarrassment etc leaves you mentally exhausted and you just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My tips for dealing with being fed up with life:

Get a pen and paper and make a list of to dos to overcome the gambling and not get into any more debt.

1. Ring Gamcare to talk

2.Talk to your gf if you are feeling tempted

2.Don't drink too much alcohol - that is a real spur to gamble

3. Get those blocks in place

4. Listen to the people on here and read all the posts from each section

5. Make a plan with your gf to do something nice with available money after your hard financial year - make something to look forward to. Easier said than done but look for other interests i.e. gym, swimming, running, cycling al cheap and healthy interests. Look on the Matin Lewis money website. He has brilliant ideas for cost-cutting, financial advice and cheap deals for meals, hols etc.

6. Keep counting the g free days

7.Day 4 - be proud of that and keep building the days up. Stop putting yourself down and worrying about what other people think. You have a problem that many good people have been landed with. It is in the past, you are making an effort to deal with it - be proud of that too. The money is gone, you will recoup it again. You have a job - you are so lucky to have a job. It sounds like you have a good gf. If you write dow all the positive things in your life, achievements, etc, past and present it might buck up your self esteem. Don't eat yourself up with shame and losses now, thatis what is making you feel fed up. Make this a project in hand with the end target being debt free and eventually getting onto that property ladder. If you get yourself organised it can be done. In fact I know it can be done because I have watched all this at home with my own eyes and I can tell you that a life here has been turned around for the better. It was really hard work but things are working out well.

All the stuff above is what we have tried and a lot of it has done the trick. It is just food for thought for you.

Good luck to you and your gf and your gfree days.

I'm very withdrawn at the moment. Don't really want to spend time with anyone. Just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Meeting the gf tomorrow after work. Will force myself to try and be positive. She's want to discuss a plan and budget moving forward.

I unfortunately cannot shake the image of what the lost money could have bought me. I once joked in my mid 20s I wanted to buy a range rover evoque. Friends laughed (We were all drunk) but I could actually have done that without these losses. I'm not that into cars and have not driven in many years anyway. Whilst that's just an example I guess my point is I just wanted to be a success in life.

Whilst my upbringing was by no means poor we were not rich and I always had an idea of how I wanted to live. Being broke, overdrawn and owing more than I had in savings was not a part of it.

My problem gambling has been a nuisance for the first 3 of the last 5 years but the last 2 have completely humbled me.

I'm beaten.

Eventually it will be obvious to people that he's lost his money and I'll be exposed for what I am.

My resilience is at an all time low. Have I got another rebuild in me?

My professional progress has halted thanks to a truly awful boss who has made it impossible for me (or anyone else) to stay. Whilst I've secured another role outside the company, it's a sideways move (or feels like it) and I am starting from scratch here. Yes on the one hand it's an opportunity, but the other part of me thinks I've failed here as well...

My former classmates who I joined with have progressed much higher than me and have careers. I have a job and nothing more. I feel I've wasted at least 2 years watching lesser talents go by me. Perhaps more evidence of my poor judgement.

If I'd left this job at the start of the year how much better off would I be right now...

Part of me wishes my gf would just give up on me. I'm still convinced she doesn't realise what this all means or worse is in denial.

I don't think anyones's words will lift your spirits mate, it does take time..but you have to sit with it. Eventually you will start to view things in a more positive light.

I could probably give you hundresds of examples of the times I felt like you do, I bought Merc Eclass last year, I had loads of weeekends away. All it took to get there was time. And no bloody gambling. I am paying some debts that will never be paid in my lifetime. But I am positive. I am positive that today I wont be gambling.

The mess that you're in didn't just happen over night it took time, but it's worse than it was last month, and the month before that.. Worse than last year, like your gambling, like your lies I would reckon, your debt has gotten progressivley worse.

No suprise it will take time to put right, but stands to reason that, next month will be at least a little bit better, the following month better still. The years to follow rosier and rosier. Your gambling, your honesty, your debt will get progressivley better.

Listen it's easy for me to say "10 months is nothing", I know its daughnting for you, the hardest work is where you are now. You have a great lifeline that your GF is willing to help in this way, she might not fully *** the magnitude of it, she might look for some support for herself, your gambling will have effected her too.

Of course, when things have been getting worse and worse over the years you wouldnt have been noticing the time fly by, but you spent a lot longer than ten months gambling. Without your gambling you could have bought your dream car, well then you know thats acheivable. In time.

I know how hard it is to get over the loss of money and time. It's almost like being bereft.There are similarities; when people lose a loved one, some will mourn for months or years and can't seem to move on through life, they get stuck dwelling on the loss. Others will talk either with a bereavment counsellor, or just talk about their loved one to friends or family. These people the ones who talk seem to accept the loss and start progressing through life. They have accepted that that person has gone for good.

Its the same with the time and money we have lost. It's gone for good. By talking about it hopefully you will start accepting more and more that the money is gone. The time has gone, no question about that. You can't win it back. Just like the money, you cant win it back, we've all tried, that's what brought us here.

Today you wont lose time or money gambling, a small step in the right direction. Let your girlfriend help you put some blocks in place and let her handle you're money. It can only help, it shows her you are trying.

And as to others finding out, by the time they do, you should be weeks or months down the line, you'll be getting on top of your addiction. More people will admire you than you can imagine. You look around you and see what appears to be normal happy families but you dont know what goes on behind closed doors, you will be suprised how many families have some sort of addiction in the familiy.

People dont even have to understand addiction to know how hard it isto get it under control.. There will be one or two who might take the pith, let them. It's them with the problem. You're taking charge of yours!

I also get what you say, "Part of me wishes my gf would just give up on me." You probably feel you dont deserve her, I doubt she'll be in denial she probably genuinley wants to help, but like I said before she will benefit hugely from some f+f support you could maybe suggest it to her. Mate sounds like she loves you, she'll be pleased that you've told her I would think.

It's good that you're posting at the minute, I think the chatroom is up and running now, you never know you might feel the benefit and see things a bit more positive.

Take Care.

Day 6. Means nothing until I get paid again tomorrow. First real
Test. Absolutely shattered, no energy, hardly slept.

Looking to change Gps as current one is too busy and useless. Got a headache and body feels lifeless. Obviously a reaction to recent events. Does it ever get better?

Is life just a rich man's game...?

Hi Cantstopkeeplosing,

Well done on your first 6 days gamble free. You say that you get paid today and I wonder how you are doing. This could be an excellent time to put some blockers in place to ensure that you don´t have easy access to gambling opportunities and to money to gamble with.

If you give us a call on the Helpline, we can talk thhis through. 0800 80 20 133.

I have moved this thread to "recovery diaries" and it is good to see how much support you are receiving here already.

Stay strong!

Kind wishes

Gabriele

Day 7.
A plan in place. Current paycheck planned and stops put in place.

Gf recommended I try top up card instead of normal card- will try anything at this point.

Have also taken advantage of switch offer. Will bring in a little more money when paid. Hard month ahead...

Not gonna lie, upcoming wedding I'm attending will be a nightmare. Questions questions questions!

How do you look past previous losses?

Can't stop totalling them all up in my head.

Add this to upcoming job change and it's all a bit much

I still go to bed hoping I don't wake up 🙁
Sad but true

Hi Bluescreen
The trouble is I've been effectively working for years now just servicing my gambling debt. I've been badly advised to stay in a job I hate. And you guessed it, my problems spiralled the longer I stayed in it, peaking last week.

I'm feeling too weak to carry on. Everyday since the 2 days last week has been a struggle. I feel as though I haven't slept for days. If anyone looked at me for more than a few seconds they'd surely notice how tired I look??

I tried the GP route but that has been a dreadful experience. The stress of continually getting an appointment before my medical note expired, whilst receiving no treatment I should add was awful. In my opinion the training to deal with this simply isn't there. Having grown frustrated with this I decided to go back to work as I now had finally had some counselling promised.

I have a new job to start in less than 2 months but everyday feels like a huge expedition to negotiate.

As I am now leaving my current role, as I anticipated my old manager is messing me around trying to tarnish my record my finding any excuse to mark down my performance review. Whilst I am technically being managed by someone else, the reality is this person isn't allowed to make any decisions themselves -they are terrified of the consequences. Therein lies another battle I am fighting.

If I had a time machine...

Trying to keep looking forward. My gf has been ultra positive and very practical since. I just worried she's ignoring the reality of what this means, namely I cannot be trusted.

For the first time ever I didn't trust myself with money. Handing over control and majority of decision making is humiliating.

First week now complete and perhaps the hardest few days of my life.