Day 1 of the rest of my life

Hi,

Im trying to stop 2.Day 6. I have gotten a lot from reading peoples posts. Reading your post although short I got something which was interesting. 'All those fake highs and lows'

I know how you meant it for you.

For me the highs are/were the real fakes.Winning money was like a candle in the wind. The lows were real. Losses and how I felt afterwards. However in a way overall a fake miserable experience disguised as action.

I found a twist in your interpretation which was helpful to me.

all the best

Hi Got2Again,

There are some people on here that are writing some really inspiring stuff, if only we'd found them before now!

I understand your interpretation and I feel yours is probably a truer version of what I meant to type. The lows were real! All to real! The feelings I felt last night were sickening, the initial "what have I done moment". It's still painful now obviously but as one of gamcares team said to me today I'm starting this process and should try not to think of what I've lost, but what I will save in the future.

All the best for the days ahead

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Hi again Sassy,

Good to see you have started a diary to document your road to recovery. This is a really useful tool and a great place to let out exactly how you feel. 🙂

Anyway I just dropped by to say hope that you are still feeling positive and you try to stay strong through the conversations with your fiancee. I sincerley wish you both all the best.

Day 2: Had a conversation with my fiance last night. It was had to say certain things out loud but once we got talking through things certain emotions came out. The biggest was that of relief! To uncork the bottle I've keep sealed for so long really helped.

I know this is going to be hard for me, but I also understand how hard it is going to be for my loved ones. To try and explain when these demons take hold to loved ones is difficult to put into words.

She, along with my family, have been very supportive. Rather than shouting and giving up, she has been my rock and opened herself to helping my to overcome this rather than leave me to battle it myself.

On a practical level I have enquired about self exclusion forms from the local bookies, need to sort some passport photos quickly to get these all done and dusted. And seems I'm joining a gym to fill up some free time!

4evahopeful: thank you I am staying positive! I tried to stay strong through the talks last night, it was me that got teary in the end! They were very healthy talks however. Keep fighting!

Steve: thank you for your kind words, I like the idea of the positive vibes jar and will look to put it into practical use! The hardest days are still to come, I'm on a self imposed ban from bars and pubs, which will help my body detox I'm sure. No more after work drinks for the foreseeable future. The first exposure to my nemesis that is those flashing lights will be the hardest but I'm sure I can overcome it in time.

Day 3: still feeling the positive vibes and feeling strong. Managed to avoid going out for drinks last night and came straight home, my body appreciated that when I woke up and my wallet certainly did as well. I also have been receiving small positive quotes which are a nice little pick me up throughout the day.

Been offered extra work over the next month which would be good. Juggling two different commitments will certainly help keep me occupied and away from boredom which seems to be one of the triggers of when I would slip up.

Altered my plans for the weekend to avoid any temptations that would be staring me in the face. Originally I was going to watch the play offs and champions league with a couple of friends in the pub with a couple of friends. Instead I think a good plan will be to watch it at home with the family, hopefully Derby can go all the way and I can enjoy it without any distractions or having somewhere to bet on the game itself! Although I tend to stay away from sports betting, except for a rare Acca, I've never felt that "hook" that I would with fruit machines or FOBT's. That being said the smallest drop in the ocean can cause a big wave so don't to swap one form of gambling for another!

Bring on Day 4!

Day 4 and 5: Day 4 started with some words that really got me thinking. My fiance has been sending me small positive anecdotes to help me through.

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world not even our troubles." Charlie Chaplin

In the case of this addiction I realise it with be a permanent in my life. However the trouble of it within me and the trouble it causes in life isn't permanent. Once I learn to control the urges and these urges subside then the danger won't be a permanent battle I have to face day by day (a long way off might I add).

Yesterday my brother came round and invited me to the horse races in York with my grandparents next weekend, all I could do was laugh initially. In all seriousness though I explained to him why I couldn't go and he was understanding and understood why I couldn't go and just not have a bet.

Morning of Day 5: Derby vs QPR, the house is crazy as we are all hoping the rams can return to the promised land once again. My mum begins a conversation regarding the odds on the game (not what I want to be talking about!), she's not wanting to bet just wants to know if we are favourites. I began to check the paper for the odds for her and looking at the specials for me. When I realised what I was doing I out the paper straight down. Gonna watch the game safely with family and friends at home and avoid the paper and ray winston when he pops up at half time!

Day 5 and the battle continues! Staying strong.