Day 3 and counting.....

Hey Phil,

First off well done for realising and addressing your problem. You're right, it is incredibly destructive. On here you will get support and advice from a lot of others with similar problems who understand what you're going through, it's really helped me a lot.

I look forward to seeing you progress on here and get a better quality of life!

Stubbsy

Hi Phil,

Welcome to this great place, where you can share your thoughts and feelings with all of us. this forum is very helpful and supportive, especially when you get the urge to go your old ways. Remember, a step at the time and you will start finding ways out of it.

Be strong, we are here to support you

Sandra

Hi Phil

Its a great choice starting a diary again use support here is amazing and we all understand how u feel , on one will judge u so feel free to log all those thoughts good and bad

30 years is a long time for gambling to play a part in ur life likewise mine was 26 years so dont be too hard on urself its a tough journey but one worth making , if mistakes are made get back on track straight away , u av every reason in ur wife and kids to not let gambling be a part of ur life anymore

I wish u all the best

Castle2

thanks for all your support guys......been a really tough day mentally, have had quite a considerable mishap at work, which probably will lead to some sort of disciplinary action. Not completely my fault, but nonetheless feel the world is against me, I had felt so much happier from confessing and not gambling, cant gamble as I have no means to, but sure if i did I would. Trying to remain strong but it is a struggle, I felt so good!!

Phil

welcome to the diaries fella, a polace were you will recieve a great deal of support and advice to help you in your quest to live gamble free, after thirty years at it my friend the urge to fix everything with a punt will be strong for a while, the truth is my friend the only thing gambling does for us is add to the misery.

Well done for starting your journey, a difficult one, but a wonderfully worthwhile one made by a choice each day.

No bet today,

The result is you gift yourself a 100% payrise and a better outlook to life.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Phil,

You doing so great, just keep strong, we all are here for you, every time the urge comes, just come here, and put your thoughts down.

We all the same and we all behind you. You can do this!

Sandra

x

day 5, issues at work sorted and although there was a telling off not as bad as feared. Been thinking a lot to myself and obvious that I have been using gambling as an escape from issues that I have had and I have had plenty over the past couple of years. Kind of refreshing to face problems with a relatively clear mind. Not an hour goes by without thinking about gambling, not necessarily urges but how I can make it work and this I would guess is perfectly normal. Anyway have a good day all.

Phil

So today is day 7 and for the most I am proud, but it has started tough.....last night whilst watching TV my 9 year old daughter asks my wife "why did you marry daddy?" To which my wife replies "I can't remember!". We have been married almost 9 years, and whilst I can understand there being so much hurt and anger after I shattered her illusion of happiness 7 days ago (not for the first time), I could have just about handled that answer alone, but given the response was to my daughter has hurt and made me very angry. Anger is a side that has built up in me over the past year of lying and gambling, and often to control the escape of gambling has. calmed my feelings. Today is payday and my wages get paid into my wifes account so I have no means, but I have 50p in my drawer at work and have thought about a 50p bet on the Oaks today, this is a very tiny fraction of my normal stakes, but my anger has induced such thoughts. Today will be my toughest yet but I will be strong. Good luck to everyone else and stay strong.

Phil

Day 10.....had a really good weekend with the wife and children, kept an eye on the Derby, had i gambled would have bet on dawn approach so feel happy, but still spend far too much time analysing where money can be made, going to take a long time for these urges to calm themselves even at half time in the football last night was thinking that england were a good bet.....guess the most important thing is still no bet, but these urges will remain and i MUST avoid any form of complacency. My family still have behavioural repercussions from months if not years of emotional neglect, but again hoping time can heal......good luck everyone for today and indeed the week.

Phil

Day 11 and feel good for not gambling. Have been reading a lot of posts over the past couple of days and one in particular struck a chord, one by No More, it basically wrote how he had been neglected by his father through his gambling and how he saw his mother pretty much destroyed by the evils of gambling. What struck home to me was that it bore a striking resemblance to the neglect of my family and how my wife has been slowly turned into a shadow of her former self. Seeing what was written really hit home, whilst I was doing the damage I just couldn't see, but from stepping away and reading someone else's experience really spelt out the damage I have caused. My wife is proud of me over the past 11 days, but i know deep down that it has to be for keeps, whether she can ever trust me again remains to be seen, I will do my best to make that happen.

I love my wife dearly, but the impact my lies and deceipt have caused my 9 year old daughter really hurt, my wife quotes my daughter as saying "i hate gambling and men and will never get married"!! Whilst causing destruction the gambler is totally unaware of the wider damage caused aside from monetary impact, I just hope that one person can read this diary, someone who has not had children, so that they can stop now before they do and save untold heartache. Wives/girlfriends/partners all suffer great loss emotionally but we mustn't forget innocent children who will have their future shaped on our destructive behaviour.

Good luck all for today, sorry for the negativity of this post, just thought it would be helpful for me to look back at and hopefully help someone else.

Phil

hey Phil

good to talk with you on chat today. I had a meeting so only managed to get there for the last 15 mins. It has really helped me talking on the chat with other people who understand this recovery journey.

you can't really beat yourself up too much about the past. What is done is done, there is nothing you can do to change it. We have to live in the present moment and the BEST thing you can do is to stay gamble free and then wonderful positive memories and experiences will replace any negative ones that your wife and daughter might have.

The truth is- they love you, and even though they have been hurt by your actions; trust can be mended and restored, and love endures.

take care

stay strong

will chat soon

Stu

thx Stu, i think you did more listening than talking, sorry i get carried away, kind words there and take care for the rest of the day and stay strong you are doing very well my friend!!

Day 12....beginning to feel more and more in control, I don't miss the gambling but at the same time very mindful of complacency as ecen the slightest slip up can be damaging. The thing that is becoming more apparent are the waves of emotion from a lot of guilt.

My relationship with my wife has been severely damaged and I know in the last 6 months to a year I have completely closed down and not let any emotion to be shown towards her, I am really making efforts to rectify that now but it is so tough. As with gambling alone there are so many processes which become patterned, and I am doing my very best to break the ones that have become associated with gambling.

Good luck to everyone today, and stay strong.

Phil

hey Phil

great to talk with you again on the chat yesterday, hope that you had a good day.

Things will get better at home wont they, just might take a long time. Trust can be rebuilt.

one day at a time- hope today is a good one for you.

Stu