DAY AT A TIME

My girlfriend has full control off all my finances now. It's only been 26 days. Do you think i will be able to trust myself with my money ever again?

STAY STRONG
STAY POSITIVE
STAY IN CONTROL

Hi tommyb,

It sounds like you are a bit uncertain where this journey is going, if you are doing the right things and whether positive change will follow all the action you put in. This is normal, at the beginning it is difficult to see how and why doing all this will be helpful.

Recovery is very much a lifestyle-change - in terms of money, this means it is about creating new habits around money, new approached to handling money. You ask if you will ever be able to trust yourself with money again. To a certain point the answer is yes. With learning to budget and keeping track of how much you have to your disposal and how much you've spent you can create transparency in your finances, and eliminate false thinking like 'I don't have enough money so I'll gamble to pay for XYZ' or 'this is spare money, so no harm in gambling a bit' etc. However it is also important that going forward you have a contingency plan in place. It is helpful to have some form of supervision in place when it comes to larger amounts of money, and also some form of accountability.

We are all good at certain things and not brilliant at others. The more we understand our strengths and weaknesses the more we can plan for them and keep ourselves away from harm. Understanding that access to money can trigger urges to gamble and being prepaired as to avoid this danger will contribute to a sustainable recovery.

I hope this makes sense.

Keep up the good work, you are doing really well, and keep posting.

All the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thanks this really helps and makes a lot of sense.

Saturdays are always the worst as I used to do big betting every Saturday. Sometimes I couldn't sleep on a Friday night as I knew there was a big day off betting on a Saturday. Sorry I'm only getting what I'm feeling out of my system but I'm not going to let myself down.

Eventually Tommy, Satuday will start being just another day. It's crackers mate, grown men that cant sleep coz they've got a day of gambling ahead. Like the day before payday, or giro day. Family birthdays didn't excite me, nothing did...except getting money to gamble and actually gambling. Never thought I'd ever be content with life without gambling, never imagined a Saturday without a wad of betting slips.

I never believed I could change.

I hope the weekend has gone well for you Tommy,

tommyb wrote: Do you think it helps you???

Sorry for delay in responding been a hectic few days. In short counselling has helped in so many ways.

Mainly in helping me to not just look at the addiction from a financial perspective. Many of us cg's (including myself in past attempts to quit) focus too much on the financial side and not enough on the emotional side of things. I believe that has always held me back from a chance at true recovery until now. I always felt i was depriving myself of gambling until i sorted debt out which ultimately means you will return to it one day.

Reading Allen Carr's Easyway book helped me with some tips on how to look at not gambling as a future free from gambling rather than a future where you are just refraining from gambling. (Hard to explain but it is a simple change in mindset that helps me)

Brilliant... Yes I had a great weekend... 30 days today gambling free. I don't want to gamble again to be honest as I have seen the pain it can cause. I hurt the person I love most on this earth and I never want to do that again.

Day 30 but I'm feeling so depressed today... Like a need a good buzz. Gambling use to give me that buzz. Anyone any tips to do when they are feeling low and looking for that buzz??

I made it through another day... Great. For about 2 hours today I had a real fight on my hands. All I could think about for doing a bet but I fought the urge and I beat it. Gambling has got me nothing in the past and it's not going to get me nothing now only miserable days off depression. I'm going to my 4th councillor session tonight and I'm actually looking forward to it. It really helps me unload and things she says actually make a lot of sense. I should have did all this years ago.

For anyone out there who is thinking about quitting gambling I'd truly advise it. I'm a much happier chilled person now and I'm starting to actually feel good about myself. Iv not felt like this for years.

Today is payday... Always a bad day. This is where I always did the bulk of my gambling. I have no control at the moment over my finances as I give everything to my girlfriend. To be honest it could be like this for a very long time as I don't fully trust myself at all. When will I know it's time to trust myself??? If I had no debts to pay off I think I would find all this alot easily. I feel like I have such a mountain to climb and I'm never going to get my debts paid. I would love to start 2019 debt free but I have to be realistic... That's never going to happen. In a perfect world it would happen but we don't live in a perfect world. I'm always thinking just if I could get that 1 big win to sort everything but then I bring myself back to the state I was in 2 months ago and it stops me. Gambling is such a horrible addiction and I really don't think people know how hard it is.

Hi tommy I know it's difficult with debt but try to stop thinking about it. Try to be grateful for the small things. Debt free can be dangerous in itself. This is a long road, don't rush it.

" To be honest it could be like this for a very long time as I don't fully trust myself at all. When will I know it's time to trust myself??? "

Tommy my boss has been keeping most of my wages for me for the last 18 months.Monday is my last day at work, (its closing down). I have managed to pay off nearly £3k I owed him, and various other things. Last year I had three special occassions I managed to save up £1000 for, and I have managed to save up £2000 with him. I am fairly certain that, as strong as I am with my recovery, I would not be in this position without my bosses help. I now also rent my flat off him, so my rent and bills are deducted each week. I now keep a bank balance of about £200 if I need any more money, all it takes is a phone call. Thing is though except diect debit week, (this week), my balance isnt less than £100 most weeks.

When I first started this arrangement some weeks I was living on only £20 or £30, I ceratainly would not have trusted myself with £100 then, let alone two. My boss didnt take the money I owed him straight away so I couls see the amount grow. If I needed any extra cash he would take the same off his debt at the same time. I got used to living this way mate. Not being in charge of your money is a good and very helpful thing mate. I don't know if there is a stigma attatched to it or what it is but I have had comments off some people on support forums saying it was like having my hand held, or a**e wiped. I'd rather have some people perceive it like that then let them see me looking to the floor in shame when I can't pay my rent, or pay back that money I promised, or some boxes "fell of the back of my lorry" again. After all thats what it is, their perception. My self-esteem increased dramatically after I accepted that those folk are welcome to their opinion. My self-esteem dropped a lot when I was gambling because I felt like a low-life scumbag most of the times so expected this was how others perceived me.

I dont view my boss holding my money as me really giving up control of my finances, I see it as me taking control of my finances and actually protecting my money..... From me.

At Christmas through an honest mistake I ended up with about £900 in my own bank. On discovering this after months without any desire or urges to gamble my first thought was "go to the bookies". I didn't go but it was a full on urge from the years gone by. I didnt go but it was a hard struggle, you know what its like. In my life Tommy I don't think I've faught off gambling urges any more than half a dozen times. It's easy to remember the victories against the urges they were very few and far between. Hence my season ticket for HMP, and the streets of London. Looking back its no co-incidence that that urge came. I hadnt been doing too much in the way of talking, and I found myself involved in a dispute with another forum user on GT where I've posted regularily since 2010, so my support dwindled a lot when I should have been using it all to the max, I let the stress of Christmas and the break up of my relationship overwhelm me. Life goes on Tommy, gambling for us never has a happy ending. Theres no neeed for any of us to test this theory we all know.

Talking mate is a great benefit, how ever ludicrous your thoughts may seem to you, get them out. I've noticed that a lot of CG's who seem to regularily "slip". are the ones who tend to keep things to themselves.

Be it trivial every day things or major issues, sitting with problems is a bad thing for any "addicted" person. Talking may not solve things but just to get your thoughts into words. I have had counselling on and off over the past 10 or 12 years and on some sessions I think I done 90% of the talking.

I think eventually it sunk into me, and I try my very best to deal with new problems as they arise. Even without gambling life throws plenty at us.I still have ongoing issues from previous gambling, not just the debt mate, but even if I worked til I was 90, on my current earnings I will never be debt free. I am owed more than a few "good hidings" from people who dont negotiate, so life isnt a bed of roses.

I've got really side-tracked writing this mate, sorry for hijacking your thread.

I was going to tell you that this week my boss tried to pay the £2000 in my bank in cash. They wouldn't let him. So he dropped it off.

I didnt react like I did at Christmas, no urge. Its in a very secure place. I am grateful that today I had no desire to gamble. The money has been there since Wednesday. I dont see it as a test, and as I'm unemployed from Monday I'll be visiting my family a lot more so the only person I can trust 100% with it is my mother, I've already asked and she's agreed to keep it safe for me.

My message is Tommy, although its hard dont worry about when you will trust yourself again. The reason my mother is looking after my money is that I still dont trust myself. It dosn't matter mate. You have a very serious problem its f*d with your head for too long. You are now standing up to it, you've admitted it has you by the blicks, you are powerless against it. But only once you place that next bet.

"Just for today" and "one day at a time" took me years and years to truly understand, but its all any of us can do. Today you dont trust yourself, so your money is better off with someone you do trust.

Try and keep posting even when your spirits drop,

Take Care.

Thanks this is very helpful and thank you for your time and consideration.