Hi all,
Never thought I'd find myself in this position on a Friday evening, having just completed nearly a full day 'clean' and believe me, it's been so difficult. My weakness is sports betting and gambling on horse-racing.
It all began a few years ago, I had a great win on a ** £1.2k to be precise, and it gave me confidence that I knew what I was doing.
I'd only ever done little bets here and there £5 to win etc, would never have dreamed of doing anything larger. However, the buzz started to wear off and as I started to win, my confidence grew.
Sometime last year, my workload died down and eager to fill my day with something, resorted to more gambling believing I had it all under control. Which I now know was a complete lie - not only to myself but to others.
In January, I suffered a loss of about £2,000, which I had managed to win back except for the last £1,150. This was until yesterday. For some reason, favourites weren't winning races and my 'system' was getting out of control. I kept telling myself that the next race would be the winning one, which it never was. Doubling up my stakes again until before I know it I've got a winner.
However, I didn't win back all of my stake, so I felt I needed to gamble everything to win back the 'correct' amount, which is where my trouble started.
Yesterday I lost £4,250 in the space of 2 hours. I confessed to my Mum and boyfriend and thought I was going to vomit. In fact, I went into a state of shock where I was shaking and couldn't get warm, I really believed I was going to die from the anxiety.
I have vowed to get the help I need, but the part I'm really struggling with is not checking the racing results every 30 minutes and seeing all the winners which I would have potentially picked and knowing that my problems would have been solved financially if I had just bet on one of them.
In everyday life I hold a very responsible job, I have two beautiful children and a supportive partner. I don't know why I am doing this but I am desperate and need some help.
Today I have nearly completed day one of being clean. My difficulty will be accepting that I've actually 'lost' although overall I've lost about £2.5k from my pocket if I take off winnings over the years, but I hate losing and it's eating me up today.
Reading some of the stories on here I should consider myself lucky as that amount seems tiny compared to the losses of some - but I think of how hard I worked for it and what I could have bought my children.
To top it all off, I'm a sufferer of ADHD and Aspergers syndrome so I really struggle to control the impulses and I'm finding it so painfully hard. I woke up at 3am this morning unable to sleep, my heart was racing and having really dark thoughts.
Can anybody help? I will try anything.
Thank you all in advance.
Day 2 of being clean. Slept a bit better last night. Got to go to work later on so it will be a true measure of my resolve but feel better about not looking at things online now and starting to accept the money has gone. The urge to win it back isn't as strong although I will see how that goes throughout the day.
I've set up a savings goal on my online banking and want to see how well I can do.
Small steps but feeling like I can actually beat this thing.
Good Morning ToBeOrNot,
Ive just recently started my recovery im on day 3 today..today is my big test to stop myself going to the corner of my street into the bookies and put a football bet on..Wish me luck
You are certainly uniqe actually working in the enviroment must be extremely tough, i think your biggest challenge has to be how your going to get out of that enviroment as i feel this is going to be your biggest struggle
As far as online gambling goes or looking on sites why not take away the temptation all together and download the free 8 day trial on bet blocker? im sure this will help support your over the first few days as theses are probably the hardest?
I wish you all the luck and i will continue to follow this diary to give me motivation and to help support you in whatever way i can
Good luck
Baz
Hi tobe
Well done in starting up this diary and admitting you have a problem. This is probably the hardest step.
I understand where you are coming from as I too have a loving family and 2 wonderful children but for 10 years I spent nearly every spare penny (and some not spare) on gambling. About 70 days ago I came across this site and realised that not only did I have a huge problem but that I was not alone.
Once I read through a few diaries I then realised that this problem doesnt have to take over my life anymore, and it doesnt have to take over yours anymore.
Accept that what has been lost and start from now, each day from now that you dont gamble- you win! It is the only true way to beat the bookie. Gambling puts this warm fuzzy blanket over us while really it is eating away at us from inside.
After 70 days I feel so much better and although some days are harder than others, when I come on to this site I get the support I need to get me through the tough days.
I wish you all the best in your journey and keep posting!
Linda
Hi Linda & Baz.
Thank you for replying to my diary, I was a little worried about posting and not getting any responses as I think that knowing other people are rooting for you helps with recovery.
Another day of being clean from it (today is day 3), and the urges are less than what they were. I think today is the first day where I'm starting to accept that the money has gone, but I have won my life back. Looking back over the past few months made me realise how out of control it had all become, placing bets at the dinner table when out for a family meal, being distracted at work and going to the toilet to place mobile bets. It was just crazy so I'm glad I lost the money in a way because it has brought me back to earth.
Things that I've found have helped so far are:
1) Completely abstaining from anything relating to sports betting, no checking results, no looking at odds or anything. Looking at anything like that only makes the urges worse
2) Installing K9 on my phone to block being able to view websites. I think I tried about 10 times yesterday but I'm pleased to say I haven't tried once today!
3) Quantifying the money. Every time I even contemplate having a bet I picture the pound coins in my head and the thought of never seeing them again. Yes, I might win, but I might also lose those pound coins. Actually counting them out as well, 1,2,3,4 etc makes you realise just how much you are wasting on the habit, by the time you get to about 20 you feel sick and it's enough to put you off. For this reason I think internet gambling is the most awful thing - it's easy to place large bets without thinking about the actual money whereas if I was handing over cash I think it would have stopped me betting such large amounts. Picture the pounds!
4) Imagining what my family must be going through - picturing myself glued to my phone or laptop, disinterested in what was happening with them. Then I would imagine us homeless from my gambling habit (if I had continued) and how upset they would be, and it wouldn't even have been their fault. They have both seen me going through this, for the past few days, bursting into tears and feeling helpless and have shown me nothing but love. I am humbled by how mature they have both been.
5) Distracting myself. I had some pampering treatments done yesterday which really rejuvenated my zest for life, and today I have spent the afternoon listening to music and baking with the children. It was so lovely to just be normal.
My biggest challenge will be returning to work on Tuesday, as I've been off recently for the school holidays (annual leave) and I work from home so the temptation is strong then. I've planned to take regular breaks from work to read or play puzzles and I will not cave under the pressure. The time is much better spent being productive!
I know I can beat this thing, and well done to the both of you as well. It's amazing what can be achieved from the strength of others.
Please keep checking in as your responses are inspiring me.
Laura
Hi Laura
Thanks for your post- the fact that you can be honest about what helps you is great for other members who will read your diary and take something from it.
One thing I have realised just lately is that gambling brought me down. I used to think that it gave me a buzz but this is wrong. What it did was knock me down when I lost so that when I had a win I felt like most normal people that never gamble. Basically I was throwing money to feel how I would have felt if I never gambled at all! What a huge waste of time that is!
Anyway, I understand where you are coming from- I spent countless hours away from my partner and 2 kids just because I was either at the bookies/bingo/slots or casino. I dont care about the money- it has gone and to be honest has been money well spent to teach me this lesson. what I wont get back is my time and that is what still grieves me now. However I am making up for it now every day for the last 75 days and I will not look back because it is a gift- abstinence. It makes you appreciate everything way more then if you didnt ever risk it all in the first place- so I would say cheers CG but i'll be on my way now!
I hope that made some sort of sense but I wish you all the best in your journey and stay close to your diary as it will help when times get rough!
Linda x
Hi Laura
Well done on keeping yourself free from gambling for the past 3 days I feel we are kind of in a similar position and your tips have been extremely useful and I will be using them myself.
I love the idea that everyday we don't gamble we are the winners! We are winning our life back and our children deserve us to do this for them aswell.
I will be following your journey closely and I hope we can both be free of this horrible addiction xxx
Day four of no gambling!
I received a refund from the electricity company today in the form of the cheque. It was for £5.16 but I felt really chuffed paying it into the bank and knowing that there wasn't a chance it might not be in there in a few days time, unless I chose to spend it.
I think that part of this process is realising that you have choice and learning self-control again. It's almost like gambling took over you as a person, it sucked all the life out of me and I forgot what I used to like doing.
I can really resonate with what you've said Linda - you are spending money to feel normal and get excitement - the sort of feeling you should have anyway. If I look at all the great things in life there is always someone worse off and I've seen things with a new lease of life in the past few days.
The relief I felt today doing normal things like cooking dinner from scratch (which I hadn't done for months) and not feeling compelled to 'find a winner' the next day is just a lovely release.
The urges have almost gone - I did think about it for about 30 minutes, just re-living the moments of when I had a winner but still didn't have the urge to place money on weirdly enough. Another thing which has helped is making myself feel sick and panicky if I think about horse-racing, a bit like the reverse of how I felt before (Excited) but this feeling stops me from gambling so it is a good thing to do as it makes me realise about losing money and how I do not want to go down that route again!
What I love today is that I have CHOICE. It is still all down to me whether I do it or not and I choose to live a better life and avoid it!
Hope you are all keeping well and gamble-free
Laura x
Day five of being clean.
Finding things a little harder today. Think it's because I'm at work today and this will be the first day where I haven't looked at the horses.
Started work probably a bit too early today - 7.30am - which means I find myself with a bit of spare time on my hands over lunch just now and therefore time to think.
Going to get my book in a minute and read, keep my mind off it.
I won't cave in.
Hi
I am on day 4 and its not easy but i have learned one thing during my recovery and that is wherever you gamble or able to place a bet you should self exclude yourself from that bookmaker/online.
This will help as you mind will tell you that you are not allowed in this shop and you will be kicked out if you go in and overtime it will get easy walking pass the shops.
Stay strong
Hi just dropping in stay strong and banish it makes your life complicated and destructive not good for your well being make that choice as you said read diaries all mirror images at different stages you can and will do it hitthefanx
Hey TBON
Just a quick "hi" and a welcome to the place that none of us really want to be. I'm very early in my recovery journey, but have been around the site long enough to appreciate the authors who have a real want to recover but equally who can bring something different to the forum. You've already had a couple of posts from a big influencer on the site in Linda - you don't need me to tell you that's she's an absolute star and worth keeping in touch with.
Having read your diary and some posts you've dropped into others diaries I think you're doing superbly well and are adding value for others as well as yourself by being here.
Your recovery journey is a bespoke thing for you - take the things from diaries you can relate to and apply -but most of all remember why you want to stop......needing to stop isn't enough.
All the best and hope you come through this!
Take care,
Mr B
Evening all.
Thanks for the words of wisdom on my diary that you have taken the time to write.
It's been hard the past 2 days - going back to work in a stressful job with lots of demands, but I'm still clean!!
What didn't help was having a dream about horse-racing last night, that really affected me this morning. I felt sick, panicky and like I should have a go at trying to win it back.
But then I remembered how far I've come and all the people that are willing me to do this and the fear of letting everyone down takes over and spurs me on....
But it has been hard and I can see why people might relapse. I won't though, I have my life back and not enough time to get my work done as it is, so can't afford to be wasting what precious time I have left!
Considering the stress of work, I am considering looking for another job once I've been clean a bit longer. The upheaval of doing it now would probably tip me over the edge, but certainly food for thought.
I'd say the one thing which really made my day today and stopped me from doing any form of gambling was watching my daughter running around in the front garden giggling, not a care in the world. Each time she saw me her face lit up and I knew at that point that I must be strong for her, and the rest of my family.
Hope you are all doing well and thank you for the comments once again. x
Day Seven!
Not finding it as bad today, think I could be affected by the weather, seem to feel so much better in the sunshine and not really thought much about gambling today at all.
Feeling much more positive, I'm off to work out later on and looking forward to seeing the other ladies and have a good old competition!
Thinking about going to the garden centre to get some plants for the front garden, anything really to keep busy.
Hope you are all having a good clean day 🙂
Well done on keeping gambling free, iv also been finding it best to keep busy as then you don't have time to think about gambling. And also thanks for the advice and posting on my diary
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