Day One - The Long Road

Still clean.....

Had urges yesterday, not necessarily urges to gamble as such but just felt sad that I can never enjoy horse racing again because of my addiction, as I do like horses and just looking at them makes me feel sad.

Felt like I had 'ruined it' for myself because of my lack of impulse control.

Kept myself distracted but it's more the remembering which is upsetting, I've been going to the racing tracks since I was 9 years old so it's been hard, especially since some of the family members are no longer around.

But I've stayed strong, made it to today which means 10 days clean, and 11 if I don't gamble today (which I won't!)

However I won't kid myself and say it's been easy because it hasn't, the most part hasn't been too bad but it's when you have time to think.

So I have been filling my head with music to block out the thoughts, and every time I get an urge I am having a cuddle with the kids and making sure I get off the settee and do something.....

It's working so far.

Struggling badly today.

Having huge rows at home, it's as if my other half has switched off after being so supportive over the first few days.

In the middle of trying to book a holiday but I don't want to do it because I am not sure we will still be together when the holiday comes round!

To top it all off, had a great day at work yesterday but feeling nervous in general, and starting to get the urges to gamble.

I think it's because I'm desperate for some excitement and to escape for a while.

Don't want to do it, it's not even about the money but I am wanting to chase the thrill.

Funny how your life can affect you and push you into bad ways so quickly.

Still being strong, but not finding this easy at all.

Struggling badly today.

Having huge rows at home, it's as if my other half has switched off after being so supportive over the first few days.

In the middle of trying to book a holiday but I don't want to do it because I am not sure we will still be together when the holiday comes round!

To top it all off, had a great day at work yesterday but feeling nervous in general, and starting to get the urges to gamble.

I think it's because I'm desperate for some excitement and to escape for a while.

Don't want to do it, it's not even about the money but I am wanting to chase the thrill.

Funny how your life can affect you and push you into bad ways so quickly.

Still being strong, but not finding this easy at all.

hi just to say hello and your not on your own , also i know you are finding it hard at the moment and i completley understand what you say when you say its not about the money and its about chasing the thrill , for me roulette was a massive buzz thrill excitement ect ect ect but although it was not about the money and about the buzz once you have lost the money it hits you after and you realise what you have lost and then it does become about the money but only when its too late , do yourself a favour and keep abstaining as yes you are a grand down overall or so but i was only a grand down at one point probably about 12 months ago, now i am and hate to say it or [ type it lol ] but i am now £43,000 down oh my god and to be honest i still although accepting the loss, i dont think it has hit home how much money and the value of that amount of money i have lost , but now im at this point of lost that much and on this site i really wish i could of found this site much earlier and stopped when i was only a couple of grand down not that 2000 quid is not a lot of money but you know what i mean. so my point is stop now and stay stopped now as you dont want to end up with the loss that i have inccured. agree 100% with what you said before as you dont realise with internet gambling that the money has gone, and then the problem does not hit home . i understood with the fact that you used a system because i only ever played roulette with a system many different systems and weirdly they all worked at first i used to scourer the internet for roullete systems try them win put more on then loose then put even more on to chase my losses and then well you know what happened next im here now . its weird writing this and i know its your diary so sorry to ramble on but why i dont know but as i am writing this i have this feeling that i will not gamble again , that makes me feel good , although i know i will find it hard at times. But i think you can stop now and i think we can both wake up and smell the coffee , and realise we have been stupid and now must fight the addiction and stop . regarding your relationship and i am single so i am not great with relationships but hope you work it out and maybe your partner just does not understand how this addiction can take over your mind , but i think rather than think they just dont understand i think maybe you should cut your partner some slack because they dont understans if you know what i mean . anyway you can beat this keep going thanks simon

Hi Laura

I have to say I know how you are feeling. I spent about a month with a bad feeling in my stomach- a bit like knowing something bad was gonna happen! Not sure what it was about but im guessing it is just worrying about giving in to the urges. Sometimes it felt like I am a ticking bomb ready to go off. I guess it must feel like that when you have done something for so long its like it becomes a part of you. But when I realised that the addiction is not who I really am those feelings subsided. Why should I feel like I am in a battle with myself. I may have become addicted over the years but I was not born a compulsive gambler and I do not need it in my life.

I hope things get easier and you sort things out with your OH.

Linda

Thanks folks for your support and posts, means a lot.

I'm finding as each day passes it's getting hard, saw a flash come up of a trainer and a horse left on ** *** News the other day (cheers to my OH who knows I'm finding it hard as it is)

Tensions are apparent in our household which is making it hard. My OH seems to spend his days glued to his laptop looking at football results, stressing about his team and then moaning about having to go back to work, we are rowing a lot. An awful lot because being around sports like that, I don't feel is very considerate towards my plight, it's like rubbing my face in it.

Have booked the flights for my holiday but I am not looking forward to going with them or the extended family, keep having wobbles today and wishing I hadn't booked to go. I love going abroad but the company makes or breaks the holiday in my opinion and I'm just not getting that buzz.

My trigger is definitely stress. Still gamble free but trying to work out whether or not it's difficult because my home life is hard, or whether it's difficult because of the addiction itself.

Everytime I get an urge I come on here and read some recovery diaries, it's the only thing between me and a betting slip right now.

Problem is I also love horses but can't bring myself to look at them, so I'm going through a period where I'm really hacked off at myself for spoiling it, as I used to enjoy watching them but now I can't even do that anymore.

Need to stay strong, and it's been over two weeks now but don't feel like I've achieved much, even though I haven't gambled. Wish I didn't feel like I was missing out.

Hi Laura, you are doing really well, two weeks free and a whole brighter future to look forward to. Give yourself time to recover and don't waste time on regrets or what might have been, none of us can do anything about what is past. It's hard right now but it will get better, and easier, as the days pass by. You've done the right thing. The way I try to look at it for myself is to realise that there are only two possibilities if I gamble. If I win, I ought to stop, to keep my winnings. If I lose, I definitely have to stop to prevent further losses. So both really have the same outcome, ie stopping. The problem of a compulsive gambler is of course that they feel they can't stop. Which is why it's ultimately so much better to quit, cope with the withdrawal, continue to abstain, and not get back into the horrible guilt and bad feeling that this destructive habit causes. Happier times will come. And sooner than you think. Best wishes, Jx

Hey L

Just echoing redeemed's words - you are doing superbly well - nothing changes unless something changes......you are making changes that are positive - finding a new normality is always difficult.......but once you've found it and realise that it's not the destructive thing that has a vice like, controlling grip on you that gambling had......it's got to be better.

Please join the 2014 Challenge thread over on the overcoming problem gambling section, I just feel it's perfect to give you that extra bit of something to keep you going.

Well done!!

Mr B

Thank you both for your entries into my diary, Redeemed and Mr B.

Mr B: I have joined your challenge and look forward to achieving more days of being gamble free.

Spent yesterday painting a fence in my garden, I timed it so I did it when the opportunity to gamble would be there so did not allow myself the time to think.

Going to get pampered tomorrow for an hour too, to try and view my money as something worthwhile which I deserve and I can treat myself with, rather than throw down a black hole aka the bookies pockets.

Feeling a bit brighter today, work isn't stressing me out as much as it did last week and feel like I've got some of my life back. Had a lovely evening last night and it made me realise just how much I was consumed by gambling.

The only one thing which I'm still struggling with is accepting lost money. I know it's gone and I should view it as I never had it, but it's an obsessive thought I have and I wish I could shake it off. Everything I do I keep thinking 'oh, I remember I did this before I lost all that money' or I think 'the last time I went there was on the day I lost a load of money' for example, there were times when I had my iphone at the table on a meal out and I would be sat there gambling hundreds of pounds, ruining my meal and family time. Everywhere I go has a memory of me gambling.

Sounds crazy but there are such horrible inner demons at play here, I just wish I could block it all out.

If anyone has any advice on how they have got over this I would happily try it.

Hope you all have a good (clean) day!

Ok-ish day today. First day of a big festival so what didn't help was the world texting me asking if I had any fancies/was going to the races.

I feel ashamed to say no and then tell them why, so I just say 'oh, not this year...'

Whilst saving money feels good, it's not like I can save loads overnight which means it sometimes doesn't move fast enough for me, therefore I don't get the same buzz from it.

What I have done is go back to Lumosity brain training to try and play puzzles where I don't need to gamble and I can still obsess over trends/patterns/numbers. I also play Sudoku on my phone quite a lot.

Temptation was at its worst today when I was stuck in a dreadful traffic jam - I found myself cursing the person who had caused it and the sun was shining making me think of horse-racing and how I'd ruined it, if I could just have one bet to ease the boredom.

So I called my Mum for a chat instead.

Stayed free of gambling, and hit my savings achievement that I set myself today!

Going to celebrate by booking in for a back massage I think.

My Mum always says 'be kind to yourself' and I think it's important to not lose sight of that whilst in recovery. Emotionally gambling takes so much from you that it's hard to believe you can be normal again.

But I'm working on it.......

your right its hard to remember what normal is like at least at the start , but you hit on another part , i used to like although as boring as it is saving money , but i think you have made me realise for me anyway part of the reason i gambled was the saving was not happening quick enough , but then i gambled and then bang not only the saving not happening quick enough but also all my savings that i had allready saved just went down the toilet oh and to top it off lets add a bit of debt to it , there you go thats what i got for being impatient about not saving enough. keep strong and keep posting and keep ringing your mom , what ever works although she deserves a phone call moms do lol

You're right Tryer, it is because it isn't fast enough and I like instant results. Problem is that I have no patience, so gambling on racing was a way to find out the result quickly as everything was over in a matter of minutes.

I could never have bets on football as even 90 minutes was too long to wait for the outcome, I would feel anxious even if it was only £10 on.

Have to say I was doing really well up until today when I was very tempted within the last few hours. Seeing the festival stuff everywhere doesn't help as I really feel like I'm missing out.

Trying to focus on doing sports but all my sports buddies seem to have no commitment which is frustrating me as I hate letting people down and don't expect the same.

As I play team sports having a full team there is crucial to it working.

Might join a gym and just go by myself, at least I can trust myself to actually go and don't need to wait around for people being unreliable.

Rant over.........!

21 days clean today!

Have not been gamble free this long for years and years.

Feeling proud, had a few urges earlier but reading what I am reading in the news about the accidents at the festival and I am glad not to be a part of it.

So I went shopping and treated myself instead!

Hi ToBe or Not

A very well done to you on being gamble free for 21 days! Great that you successfully managed those urges. You go and treat yourself - you deserve it.

Take care and have a lovely gamble free weekend.

Feb.

Thank you Feb.

Had a mixed bag day today....

Felt pleased I had stopped and could spend time with the kids, but when I saw the sunshine it just brought back memories.

I think the problem with gambling is that it becomes ingrained into your life which is why it's so hard to ditch it. For example, remembering that there was nowhere I could really be 'me' as I was taking my phone into the bathroom with me, taking it to work, doing it while driving, everywhere I was gambling.

The problem then is association, you associate certain songs with it, certain places you've visited where your only memories are having your nose into your phone to gamble online oblivious to what's going on around you. Then you remember you've lost money and panic and want to get it back.

I've come to realise over the past few days that this is what my problem is, I can't forget it because it's everywhere and all around me, reminders.

So the only way to break this is to create new memories, as hard as it will be and it makes me feel anxious, I need to go back to that restaurant, the ice cream shop, wear that perfume again and create a new memory for each thing.

Because if not, everytime I think about it I am filled with that feeling of despair and like I've lost.

And no matter how hard I try, I can't switch my head off.

Still gamble free (23 days now) and know I am aiming to never gamble again, but just need to get over these reminders which are making it hard and consuming me almost as much as gambling thoughts did.

Hope you all had a good day.