Day Zero

How's it going SW?

Dear diary, I didn't gamble today. More committed than ever before to stop. Find myself in this destructive cycle of stopping gambling for 30 or 40 days, working loads of overtime, selling stuff on ebay, feeling positive about life again and making a real dent in my debts (all from online gambling), then I let my guard down and end up putting myself back to square one or, more often than not, a few steps further back... self-sabotage, I guess. Can't believe how foolish I was a few days ago. Hurts more because I sold a lot of tangible items that had sentimental value to me and now because of a stupid binge (never thought of myself as a binge gambler, as I used to gamble every single day) I have lost those items and all the money I got from selling them and then sum... Think I might have to stop attacking my debts until I know for certain I have conquered this addiction (if that is even possible)... I mean, you can't gamble with tangible items (well I know you can in some places, but I've only ever gambled online). Little point in paying off credit cards if you're only going to max them out again, right? Wish so much that I could get a personal loan with one monthly repayment and cut up all my credit cards. The cash advance fees on gambling transactions alone are insane, yet for some reason I can't resist the online slots. Anyway... must remain positive... I have so much to be thankful for and a positive future is possible if I stop now, despite my huge debts. Ramble over.

Dear diary, it's been 10 days since my last relapse. I feel numb, annoyed and disappointed in myself. Every time I stop gambling, I give myself too much time to indulge in self-reflection and I don't think it's healthy.... People can call me a narcissist or whatever they want, but I'm so annoyed with myself for not reaching my potential in life and I can't stop thinking about all the things I could've and should've achieved by now (I'm 29)... I mean, 7 years ago, I completed a masters and then instead starting a career, I just opted out of society and descended into the world of online gambling mixed with self employment... I work hard every day, but I hate my job (it has nothing to do with my degree) and the pay is terrible... and thanks to online gambling, I've created a completely unnecessary huge mountain of debt... just to add to the problems I already have lol. Thing is, there is nothing stopping me from working 15 hours a days for a couple of months and cleaning up this complete financial mess I find myself in... but for some reason the task seems insurmountable, as at the moment the only emotions I feel each day are guilt, shame and regret... Why can't I turn those negative emotions into positive action? It's so simple...

Advice to myself from the annoying voice in the back of my head (but true): Stop playing the victim. Come back to me in 12 months time when you haven't gambled for 365 days, you've worked at least 340 15-hour days and you've started to give back to the community, then we can talk. OUT.

Ramble over.

Hey sodawater, you're doing great, the early days can be some of the hardest, there's so many thoughts and emotions you have to work through but hang in there and keep working for the future you want, it will be worth it 🙂