dazed one

i have always chased the jackpots and sometimes won and other times lost when i play i think that the machine is mine and nobody elses but i know when i win it wont take long to start chasing againe maybe that day or another day but try to remember the feelings when we dont win this is helping me at the moment ihope it can help you

Thanks, Mad. What you say makes sense. I have been trying to get more in touch with my feelings. I always feel terrible after gambling and losing (which, of course, happens most of the time) but forget that sick feeling too quickly and go again. I went on Friday, and didn't spend a huge amount. Instead, I won a huge amount and then promptly gave it all back. That's how it always goes. Now, I'm trying to remember the feeling instead of putting it out of my mind.

Hi Carolyn,

Girl, you are playing my song. I started gambling larger and larger bets (poker machines - pokies in OZ speak), in order to "trigger" jackpots, get the machine "churning"... blah blah blah. Yep, I won money, AND WOULD ALWAYS LEAVE WITH NOTHING!

Forget money, debt and financial freakin' terror. The time and energy and emotional investment wasted was destroying my lfe as well. This addiction is every bit as destructive as heroin, and potentially just as fatal. At the end I was so scared, so gripped by compulsion and an inability to control my behaviour, that suicide was looking like my only solution.

Sorry, sweetie, I didn't really intend to get up on my soapbox.... I would suggest, though, that you have a little look at where all this could lead. You have already proved, the hole just gets deeper - how deep are you prepared to go?

Soapbox again.. Hey Carolyn, you are posting, you are thinking about this... part of you wants it to end. There is hope, and love and support here. I wish you the very best.. peace, joy and recovery - and I wish it for me, too!

Love to you,

Kerrie

Thanks, Kerrie. I'm glad you're still around! This gambling thing sure does take one to dark places. Yes, part of me wants it to end and the other part doesn't. I don't have much else to do these days, now that my husband has left. I'm still using it as an escape. I wish you the very best too.

Hi Carolyn,

My marriage break-up was one of the factors in my becoming a compulsive gambler, too. I remember feeling that i didn't know my place in the world anymore - I was lost....

It's like grieving a death. World turned upside down. Trouble is, that escaping into gambling prevented me from getting over my grief, in the long term. Particularly in the first week or so bet free, all the losses and pain seem to come back big time. It's a month today, and i am feeling pretty good most of the time - but I still get surges of the whole disaster sometimes! To be honest, I am not giving it a lot of air-time in my head - will have to do something about it eventually, but i feel like staying bet free is taking up that emotional energy at the moment.

Gambling, in the end, just made it all the blacker. The guilt and shame near killed me ( as you know). Its a relief not to be going through that every day.

Wishing you lots of love, peace, hope and recovery,

Kerrie

Hi Carolyn. I just came across your diary, and am wondering how you're doing. I have done the same thing as you so many times, chasing jackpots and convinced that my machine was going to hit "soon."

Are you doing OK?

- Anna

Hi Anna, Funny, but I haven't been on this site since my last posting long ago. I didn't expect to see a message. Thanks so much for taking an interest in me. My life has been really up and down lately. I've been gambling less than I used to, but I'm still doing it far more than I should, since I can't afford it anymore. I'm in the midst of divorce and am about to make a major move to the middle east, if you can believe it. I can't. While I'm still gambling and going through this tough divorce thing, I do feel in some ways I'm getting stronger. When I look back on the last ten years of my life, it's no wonder I got so depressed. The first five of those years were filled with many deaths and they were several people close to me... both parents, friends, other family...There were 8 deaths in a short period of time. Then five years ago I married an abusive man who is an opportunist. Much of this is why I gambled... to escape. I never took money from him for gambling, unless you consider my inheritance money his. I truly did consider it his money too, but after finding out about so many lies he told me, it became clear he was after my money. Now, with this divorce, he's going to get a nice payment from me because I made the mistake of putting his name on the title of my house, which I owned free and clear before we married. Sometimes it seems hopeless, but slowly I'm changing my attitude. I am learning to deal with what is, instead of running away all the time. I do still run away by gambling sometimes and it concerns me greatly. That's why I took a job in a far away place where gambling is illegal. I need to recover financially and I'm determined to do it. I hope things in your life are good. Thanks again for checking in with me. I was feeling a bit down today so I checked in for the first time in a long time and was pleased to see a note of concern. Thanks.

Hi Carla. I'm so glad you checked your post today. You know, except for the abusive husband, we have many, many similarities. I, took have had a great many family and friends die in a relatively short period of time, and gambled to escape pain in my life. I didn't go through a tough divorce, but I did have my fiance call off our wedding three months before with no explanation. Almost 9 years later, and I sometimes think I'm still not over it.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to let go of the gambling, but it looks like you're putting roadblocks in place to make a change in your life. Funny, but I, too, am considering a contract job in the Middle East, but still haven't decided. It would pay well, and pay off a lot of debts, but I worry about the safety of it all.

I'm glad you said that you're learning to deal with what is going on in your life instead of running away. Truthfully, if we spend our lives looking back, we'll never get anywhere. The absolutely hardest thing to do is to let go, forgive yourself for your mistakes, and move ahead. But, just know that you'll always have a friend here if you need one. Even if it's just to commisserate.

- Anna

Keep strong and keep real..

Cherish the ups and disregard the downs.

You have so much do deal with at the moment, please don't be hard on yourself you are not running away but r dealing with your problems...

Please do me favour when you read this SMILE,,, (something we all forget to do)

Take Care

Lucy xx

Thanks for the replies Anna and Lucy. The job I'm going for is in the United Arab Emirates. It's supposed to be very safe there and I've spoken with several people who have or are living there, and they confirm that it's safe. I'm told the Emirates are a lot different than places like Saudi or Qatar, particularly for women. Where are you considering going?

Hi Carolyn. Yes, I've heard that the UAE is relatively safe, and very modern compared to the other countries. The post I looked at was in Iraq, which is not very safe. Still something I'm just keeping in the back of my mind, though. No real serious plans to apply for the job just yet.

How are you doing today??

- Anna

Yikes! Iraq? No, that wouldn't be safe. I've had a productive day. I went shopping and bought a few new clothes and shoes. I haven't bought myself a thing in ages and it feels good, even though the items aren't exactly what I was looking for. I was told I would have a very strict dress code at work overseas... nothing tight, nothing sheer, arms covered to the wrists, legs covered to the ankles, and high neck. The fashions here just don't fit the bill. I did chat with an east Indian woman in a store and she invited me over to her house! She said she and her friends could put some things together for me that would work and she said she wouldn't take a penny for them... a really sweet lady. It was a good day. Thanks for asking. I hope things are well on your end too.

hi carla

good to see you had a good day. you couldnt wish to go to a better place to stop gambling the middle east. i lived in saudi arabia years ago my dad worked there and we all lived there with him it was the best time of my life, were talking bout 28 years ago tho and the arabs liked us brits then !!!!!

goodluck hope it really works out for you.

Ged

Thanks, Ged. The fact that gambling is illegal there was a huge factor in my choice to go there. I'll be in the United Arab Emirates and will be working with several Brits. I'm a Canadian, myself. I hear there will be one other Canadian on my team, not that I really care. I've spoken with several people now who've lived there and all have said it was fantastic.

Hi Carolyn. Oh, yes, I do know the dress codes are very strict. Perhaps you could find something that would work online that you could order?

How are you doing otherwise? Still fighting those urges?

Best to you!

- Anna