dazed one

Thank you Sandra and thank you S.A.

I was disappointed that drumming was cancelled last night. Another dreadful night. Muscles kept in an almost constant state of contraction due to high anxiety levels. Sleep deprivation was never well tolerated by me but the funny thing is that it seems more tolerable since stopping smoking, pot and drink... not that it's in any way enjoyable. More fricken shovelling today. I did not have this in mind for this week but record snowfalls demand it. It is light and fluffy but that's only because temperatures have plummeted. Won't gamble today ... BECAUSE I'LL BE SHOVELLING. Moody today. Hate that I can't bring myself to talk to basement girl. Hate that the end of the month will arrive before I know it and I have those awful thoughts of gambling. Hate that I haven't done so many things I said I would. Hate that I have to go to work tomorrow. Hate that I can't seem to change myself to stop all this hating. Wish I could be a person who doesn't give a flying f...!

Hi Carla,

My sympathies with the snow, I know we had some further up the valley early this morning, but fortunately nothing has got this far yet. I'm lucky that our communal parking area is about two yards from the road, and I rarely have to do too much shovelling. When I'm at my parents though, they have a half mile lane to the road, and its quite steep too, so I've often found myself shovelling and laying grit down.

I'm not a confrontation person myself either, and I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that worrying and procrastinating about it won't really help. Then again, I do that all the time too and put off those kind of conversations.

Hope work isn't as bad as you expect...maybe the Christmas spirit will have infused everyone while you were away?

All the best, and keep beating the gambling demons.

Ryan

Thanks, Ryan.

Managed to a few things done today so will be happy with that.... don't feel so good though... fluish again? Maybe just from overexerting these past two days?

Forgot my gratitude reflection this a.m. Yes, there was a lot of snow to shovel today. I am grateful that, even though it's difficult for me, I can still do it. I have a friend who is wheelchair bound and she can't even go out in this kind of weather.

Yo Carla.

Go easy on yourself and all the best on your return to work.

Hey Carla,

All the best coming back to work today. My thoughts will be with you..you are a tough cookie and will be fine! I am back in today too - lets bring it on!! 😉

Sandra x

Hi Carla,

I hear ya about wishing to not give a flying eff. I want to be happy and grateful every day too because there is so much to be grateful for. I am with Volcano.. be easy on yourself. It's ok to feel hateful sometimes. It does not mean you are a hateful person. Not by a long shot. Basement girl sounds like a real treat. I get those in my trainings all the time. I did not achieve anything but, can I get a blue ribbon anyway? Lol. Take it easy Carla. -joanxxx

Thanks Volcano, Sandra and Joan.

Hmmm... Funny but I don't really have any expectations for today, other than that my replacement better be there for the transition to go smoothly. I have long been a creature of habit... In bed by exactly X hour. Rise at exactly X hour. Coffee on. Email. Shower. Etc. Last night I didn't go to bed until I was tired. That was an hour later than usual. Guess I'm trying to say that I don't want to be a slave to my routines anymore. Time to break out of the box. I'm a bit worried that I still carry so much tension (and I do think it's because I still constantly think of having a cig). I feel the tension in my hunched shoulders and have to make a conscious effort to relax them about every 15 minutes. I'm a bit worried about seeing a certain few people at work today because I know I will have difficulty producing a smile that looks genuine. I have to become more skilled at letting the negatives at work go and focus on the positives. I am not looking forward to the attention I will receive today after being away for so long but again... need to view this positively. Gratitude- I have a few outstanding, kind and very supportive colleagues. Though I don't spend the majority of my day with them, I know they're there and that I can call on them almost anytime. I'm also very grateful that I get subsidized parking and my space will be waiting for me.

Hey Carla

Just wanted to come on and thank you for posting on my diary last week. Any support I get is always much appreciated.

I'm back on the road of recovery. I did it for 10 months and I'm d**n sure I can go past that mark again and then some.

As I said I'm now following my Jobs/Zuckerberg theory of making myself the best possible product I can be. Every day I tell myself that. I feel better for it. Ok it's only been a week but funny how a week can become a month, then 6 then a year etc. I like the fact that I start my day with that thought. It instantly makes me get out of bed in a better frame of mind. The product may never be perfect but it's attention to detail and ironing out some of the obvious glitches in my life that may just produce something special. I believe the rewards will come as a result.

Have a great week. I hope you're day at work went well. If it didn't then shrug those hunched shoulders and know that tomorrow you will be a better product because you learned something about yourself today.

Once again thanks for the kind words on my thread.

G

Hey Carla,

Oh..look at you rolling in to ur private space to park 🙂 i am lucky if i get space under the biggest tree with loads of birds lol

Hope all is ok darling and you had a warm and lovely welcome back. Don't know about you,but in my two weeks off i even forgot how some of the colleagues looks like and really was pleased to see them...that's very strange...well..saying that it only lasted one hour lol..and i was ready to run away. 🙂

Anyway..hope you all OK,safe and calm and just ticking along as you should do 🙂 day at a time..

Take care and wish you all the best

S x

Carla

Just a quick line to say thankyou.

If we look, just really take a look we can always find the positives that are in our life.

Today you opened my eyes to that further.

Thankyou.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Carla

How are you ?

I am still battling this MAN flu but slowly getting better.

Hope your first day back will go/went ok and I wish you continued strength.

Best Wishes, Dark Place x

Thank you so much DP, Sad G, Duncan, Joan and Sandra! I feel truly blessed to receive this support.

May have spoken too soon about sleep deprivation being easier than before. This morning I feel as though I haven't slept at all. I thought sleep was supposed to make you feel rested? I don't know if I'm dreaming about work all night or what (don't remember) but I know that the second I wake (and I woke several times last night) my mind is moving at warp speed. It actually feels better to get up as I can then consciously slow my mind a bit. Whew. I'm wearing myself out just by thinking! Yesterday was interesting for me. The beautiful, warm welcome I received from so many people at work really touched me. People made it clear that I was missed much more than I even knew. Felt good to be appreciated. Unfortunately, I did get the bad vibe I was expecting from one of the higher ups. I handled it superbly... exuded happiness and confidence and had a complete and sensible answer for anything she asked. It was an effort to get myself into the "happy and confident" mindset... a real effort... but it paid off. (Note... I love Amy Cuddy's confidence building work and try to practice this now... Here's the link... testosterone can be thought of as a "power" hormone while cortisol is one of your stress hormones...There is a visual in the video of some dice when she talks about risk taking so this may be edited out... if interested, go to you tube and search for Amy Cuddy body language and you should find the vid... it's about 20 mins long)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgHe8MHIN4c

Geez.... where does the time go. I wish there was a "save as a draft" feature on this site. Anyway... I am starting to consider that perhaps this person (there are actually a couple) who gives me grief is possibly jealous of me.... something to think about. And I will continue to get into that "happy and confident" mindset as much as possible before I leave for work each day. So much more I wanted to write and also no time to write on others' diaries. Will have to catch up later... if not tonight or tomorrow, then on the weekend. Do know I'm so grateful for the support and thinking of you. Gratitude : I've always known that I have love and support in my life but really, didn't know how much and most esp from the workplace. The hugs and attention I received overwhelmed me... in a very pleasant way and definitely let me know I was missed. I am also grateful that I have high quality winter clothing...bloody cold in this neck of the woods! I always wonder how the homeless manage it. Later!

Hey Carla ..well done you for yesterday and out psyching the top brass in work ...that's guts girl!

Cortisol ...Ahhh...the larder round the middle , although to be fair Amy Cuddy looks like she needs feeding up Ms Skinnymalink! ..lol

Enjoyed those clips Carla , very interesting and how stress can affect us in ways we would not realise.

I also love looking down the side panel of the youtube vids to have a sneaky look at what other clips you are watching..lol

Mine normally include things like the illuminati, reptilian royal family and 3d hologram universe, Demonic possession and is Osama really a Barack clone with a beard? ...lol lol

Keeps me going anyways xxxx

Thanks ExD... Again, so little time so have to catch up on the weekend. We had 55 cm of the white stuff the last time I complained. It's coming down yet again and have now got about 10 of the 30 cm more we're to get today.... very hard for one lady to deal with along with everything else life brings. Think I may have to seriously consider selling this house soon and moving into an apartment (or flat as many of you say). Very eventful day at work yesterday... not sure if it was bad (a hidden agenda) or neutral but I covered my b**t with a paper trail (email) and maintained that confident attitude. Worried about some of you.... Defeated, Soul, and V .... where are you? Please come back. Gratitude: I'm thankful for the connection and the amazing resources the internet has brought to the world. I do remember when it was brand new.

http://themetapicture.com/meanwhile-in-canada/

Hey Carla,

Wow girl, i sense more optimism in you 😉 YES !!! You are doing fantastic and really, i think that's what you needed..come back to work and take your mind of cr** and concentrate of now and tomorrow, not yesterday.

Be proud dear soldier, make sure you get enough rest and will catch up with you later 😉

((( C )))

S x

P.s. i still hold my arms in v shape to build my confidence up lol lol...did enjoy the vid yesterday...oh..and as of snow...d**n girl, i wish i could come with a shovel and start clearing it all for you 😉