dazed one

Hi Carolyn. Sorry about the slip, but at least now you won't even have access anymore and can focus on healing the causes of your gambling. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you are able to stay in touch!

Love, Anna

Well, almost 3 months now since I last gambled. Deep down, I know the only reason I haven't is because of lack of access. That isn't great but I guess, at least I haven't wasted any more money and have started paying off my debts. Thanks for the good wishes and happy new year to all.

carla, if you dont think that 3 months away from gambling aint that great, i certainly do!!!!

So,you have no access to funds?

but look at what you are doing ..... paying off your debts, and getting into a non-gambling mind set.

I wonder if what i am really hearing is that you still want to gamble, and that you miss the thrill? that is common, and even down the line the thought comes back. Each day that passes makes those thoughts more manageable, and remember that its not the thought that gets u into debt, its acting on that thought!

great job, and here is to your next 3 months - starting with today!

love

rusty

xx

Hi Carolyn. How is the new job going? I hear what you're saying, but I think the longer you go without gambling, the less you will miss it, and the more you will realize that there's so much more out there!

Hugs!

Love, Anna

Hi...

Rusty/Anna... thanks to both for the good thoughts. It's been over 8 months now and in two weeks I'll be going back home again. I haven't hardly thought about gambling at all since I've been overseas (and the job... well.... great, once I adjusted to a really, really different place!). The problem is I'm set to go home in two weeks, and even though I haven't given gambling much thought, it's suddenly entered my mind and I know I want to do it again. I've signed another contract here for another year because of that. It's like I have myself convinced that I'll be able to control it when I go home, so I could just give it a "little" try. Argh!

Hi Carolyn. Great to see you again. Thing is, hon, you know the answer to this question already. You know in your heart a "little try" would lead to a "big try." You've done great for 8 months, so why even risk it? Go home, enjoy your break, and just live life knowing that you don't need gambling in your life any more.

Just my thoughts....

Love, Anna

Thanks, Anna...That's the thing! Sure, I know I don't "need" it. The scary part is how much I feel I want it. Just need to remind myself of the "icky" feelings that come with it, I guess. Thanks for the support. Hope you're well.

I am so embarrassed and feel so stupid. You said "a little" will only lead to "a lot" and I didn't listen. I have let so many people who love me down and now they are so scared. I can't believe I have done this to them. I am back overseas now and in just a short time while home over the summer, I managed to undo all of the financial progress I had made all year. My friends and family have found out that I blew it again and they have had enough. They are insisting that I come home and get myself into rehab. I almost want to do it ONLY to make them feel better because I know how much I've hurt them. It just doesn't make sense to me to do that now. I've just gotten an increase in pay here which will really help me pay off my debts. It's also really easy to save money here and there are no casinos. It's also a good experience to have on my resume. If I go home and check into rehab, I won't be able to pay my bills and I could have to declare bankruptcy. I really don't want that. Right now, my situation financially is that I'm just barely covering my debts and by staying here, I can really knock a good chunk off of what I owe this year and end up with more reasonable payments. BUT... if I'm really honest, I don't really want to go to rehab. I have admitted that I have a problem.... a big one. My family says that I am in denial because I don't want to go. I hear people say "you can't do this on your own" all the time, yet something in me thinks I can (well.... not entirely on my own because of "places" like this). So.... I'm digging in my heels. I decided to show them.... I have several addictions... smoking, drinking (maybe), pot in addition to gambling. The last two days I have been smoke free and alcohol free (and can't get pot here so free of that too). The cigarettes is a big one for me. This is the first time in 34 years that I have gone a day (actually two), without a cigarette.... and the first time in about 3 years that I have gone more than a day without a drink (not that I would get drunk every night, but felt I needed a drink, even if just one). I'm devising a plan to structure my time to deal with my physical health first and foremost (because I've had a health scare with my throat and need it to heal), but also to start dealing with my emotional and spiritual health (which I guess everyone knows is at the root of addiction problems). I've told my family I'm doing this and that I will find my support here online (because there is no GA here ). They are still advising (bordering on insisting) that I come home. Anyway.... here is my pledge to them (and yup, I know it should be to me but I'm still working on that). I WILL TRY LIKE I"VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE TO CONQUER MY DEMONS. I do feel the teensiest bit of pride in that I didn't smoke or drink for two days (and did I mention I exercised too). It makes me feel like I can do it and though it's a very little piece of success, it's the first I've had, maybe ever?.... well, it feels that way.

morning Carolyn xxx

Rodders 'e*e....

thought I'd look back through your diary...n then though nah ! your last post will do...lol

wow girl !! you got it bad don't yah ??

firstly may I say you're in the right place to stop...you need people around you...the forum is the right place...sometimes darling your friends n family just don't understand and you need people who have been through at least a portion of what you have xx makes sense doesn't it..

think you have to have been through it to really understand and the forums that plae all right !

well can't offer much in the way of advice except to say that you seem a very intelligent person who knows she destroying herself day by day hour by hour and it's up to you to stop...remember that you have very very little control...you are the embodiment not the cause...this is not your natural behaviour..unless of course you're mad !...are you mad girl.? prolly mad at yer self..lol.

it seems to me that you have very little outline in your life...goaless...if you have goals you certainly don't tell us about them...n your personal circumstances are ? with partner, on your own..married...what ? kids no kids ?

if you start to be honest and reveal yourself then the results will come...read diaries especially mine xx lol

and don't beat yerself up ...just remember embodiment not the cause...k

post every day....n then you can be free of your demons...dont know much bout drink n cigarettes n nothing bout hash but it's all relative to you and what you're doing with your life xxx

hear from you soon....n it's early so forgive the spellers if there are any xx

Rodders

6 months have passed since I last visited this site. Still feel like cr**! I'm beginning to think that there is nothing wrong with my life. There's only something wrong with me. There must be because, really, I know I've had a lot more given to me than most people. Just in a depressed mood at the moment and venting. Feel like a loser. No motivation. No goals and don't care. Why can't life be easier?

Hi carla,

Welcome back.. life is hard.. it is hard.. but we have to find ways to cope and find meaning and purpose in our lives.. otherwise addiction, whatever addiction will swallow us up. I find it hard as well.. but I keep on trying... day at a time.

Try not to be a stranger here.. read and write a little more.. it does help.. its helped to keep me away from gambling for many months now.. it can do the same for you.. all the best in recovery.. S.A 🙂

Yeah, I know. I never give up. I often feel like it, but I don't. I am a fighter. I think I just use this place when I'm feeling really really low. I should use it more often. Thanks.

How do you find meaning and purpose again? I feel like I'm just putting in time. I find some stimulation in new things, but they always seem short-lived. Or, I'm ok when I'm around other people, but when I'm alone.... Worst thing is that I tend to isolate myself.

Hi Carla

It's good to see you back. Glad you remembered that there is help out there - here at Gamcare - now that is a question and a half you are asking - How do you find meaning and purpose again?

I am not sure if I can answer it... I am not qualified in such matters...unless of course my experiences with this gambling addiction over past few years counts.

When I first stopped gambling I made a few basic changes...I gave my money and bank card to someone I trusted...I found a G.A. group near me and did as they asked of me at my first meeting. They said...Give us 90 days..if this is for you, you will know within those 90 days. So I went to the meetings every week and mostly listened. Some stuff was not for me, a lot of stuff that was said I could identify with. And, boy, was I surprised to find that I wasn't the only person in this world who had behaved the way I had.

One of those things I could identify with was... make a list of things you would like to do, stuff you said you would do one day...if gambling hadn't gotten in the way, just so you can fill the time time you would have normally spent gambling.

So I did...and every time I felt down or lonely or feel like a bet, I would get that list out and would do one of the things on it. And then of course, I was given phone numbers from people in the meeting room, whom I could call if I needed to.(which I didn't used for the first 6 months at least)Maybe you could find out where your nearest G.A. room is and give it a go...

What do you have to lose?

What also helped me, was coming here and writing in my diary and reading yours and others'

I wish you well.

Never give up giving up....and....

One day at a time.

God Bless

Charly 🙂

Thanks... another low. I wonder if I'll start to dig when I reach rock bottom.