Carla - I won't be revealing favourite films and books and the like, firstly because I am a private person and secondly because I think that strays into a general topic of conversation and I strongly believe conversation on this site should stick to the core topic of gambling and recovery.
Thanks for the post and birthday wishes,- not a good day to have a birthday,friends normally hungover! But I've had a good'un.
Happy New Year to u carla,start as we mean to go on,happy,stress free,gamble free! Lifes too short.
All the best for 2014!!
Heartfelt wishes for a HAPPY New Year to all the gamcare community, both those I've interacted with in cyberspace and those I haven't. I am especially wanting to send out positive vibes to those who have isolated , those who haven't made cyberfriends or maybe also 3d friends with anyone, and those who are experiencing a higher degree of pain these days. I imagine our moods go up and down a pain to happiness continuum at varying times and in response to various triggers and I'm sure that applies to everyone everywhere. I've spent the morning thinking about HAPPINESS and pondering why it eludes me much of the time for I spend far too much time at the pain end of the continuum. I am going to think of it as a pain/happiness continuum. Why? Because I think everyone wants to be HAPPY. It's the ultimate goal though perhaps most of us have no idea how to achieve it or even what exactly HAPPINESS is. I put pain at the other end of the continuum because I think that there is pain behind other negative emotions... sadness, anger, frustration, etc. I'm going to set a New Year's resolution(s) for the first time in a long while (or maybe ever?). I suspect that conquering my addictions is truly only a very small part of that.... and maybe I shouldn't call it New Year's resolutions but life resolutions... life goals... life intentions. Semantics! My goal is to be HAPPY. How? I don't know. Well, I do know some things... getting rid of what does not serve me is one thing I will focus on and the biggest of those are my addictions. My addictions get in the way of so many things so they must go. I feel a new determination about that and somehow I just know I will be able to quit smoking and gambling. As for drinking and doob... they must go for now as they're so connected to the other two and they may just go forever. Haven't decided yet or maybe learned yet if they have to. I suspect, though, if (when?) I am successful in achieving HAPPINESS, I probably won't even want them in my life anyway. But the most difficult question for me to answer is what is it to be HAPPY? What does it mean? And can I learn to be HAPPY if I really, really try. Many of us are, no doubt, guilty of the old idea that "I'll be happy when X... or Y... or Z occur". I've decided that those definitely are temporary states of HAPPINESS. That scares me because I'm not sure then if I can ever be HAPPY because of the tremendous change it will involve to my psyche and way of thinking. (Note - sun has suddenly emerged from days of grey cloud... feeling of fearfulness replaced by warmth... coincidence?). So my goal is going to be to more aggressively search for HAPPINESS as a constant, internal state...a way of being. How? Change my thinking. How? Hard work. Continuously work at cultivating positive inner dialogue. Challenge my negative thoughts the moment I become aware of them.
Random quote I've come across....
Buddha said "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. What we think we become."
Best to all!
Hmmmm... I remember coming across this a long time ago. Funny that it should resurface for me now. I think the universe is sending me a message!
Remember...
Habits of Happiness (Matthieu Ricard’s TED talk)
You can achieve a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment in all situations.
Looking outside the self does not work.
You must look to your inner-self and become conscious.
Behind (yes, behind) every thought lies pure consciousness. For any negative thought there is an antidote. Two opposite thoughts can’t happen at the same time, so uncover the positive thought.
Mind training - Obsessions are self-reinforcing. Use reinforcement to put your mind in a state of love and kindness. Takes practice - repeat again and again.
MRI’s show that the right side of the brain is very active in depressed individuals and the left side in happy people. Need to engage the left side of the pre-frontal cortex with positive thoughts and practice repeatedly.
I wonder how these antidepressants are affecting me really?
Good morning Carla,
You have kind heart, and please don't think your words hurt me or made me feel like i do.
No no no girl, i want you to be happy and reach for those stars which are out there for u darling. I always believed in you and always will, because u worth it.
I affect my own recovery, and need to slow down. Never worry about me please, the worst is gone. I'm good.
Take care darling
All the best
S x
Have been having these strange dizzy sensations for a couple of days now.... rather worrying as they seem to be coming on more frequently. But I have been doing an insane amount of shovelling (what a crazy winter this one is) and for now, am going to chalk these feelings up to overexertion. I'm relieved to see that no more of the white stuff fell last night for the first night in a long while. It's been snowing continuously for days now. Arms and back are killing me but not as bad as last time. I've been attacking the work in shifts and resting more between these "workouts" nature is imposing on me. I'm dismayed to see that we're now in for another round of freezing rain, though. Thankfully, I don't have to drive anywhere. The dizzy spells could also be coming on because I haven't really been eating much at all, and certainly not enough for the enormous amount of calories I must be burning. I guess I feel panicky about the cash shortage I've inflicted on myself and am very worried about making it through the month. In my insane mind, I'm thinking "I'll be fine as long as I have coffee and milk to put in it." The thought of having to ask someone for help or go to the foodbank sends me into a tizzy. I am just too proud for that. I think I'd probably allow myself to starve to death first. I know. I know. "Pride cometh before a fall." But, I thought about all this long and hard last night and remembered that I have a bit taken off each pay for a redeemable investment so there was a tiny bit there which I redeemed last night. I also like rice, have some food frozen and can stretch a dollar so I must stop worrying. I will make sure I eat healthy and heartily today and see if the spells vanish. I will never go to a casino again. d**n snot machines! The dark is trying to get to me too.... barely 7 hours of sunlight a day is not enough but slowly, slowly the days will lengthen. Thinking back to a post I made about "superpowers" some time ago, I've just thought of another.... the ability to manipulate time. It would be cool to be able to either turn back the clock (my bank account would be full again) or move it forward (bring on the warmth and sun... enough of this winter, already!). Still a dreamer, I guess, and always will be. And, so what?!! It's not so bad.... Working on self acceptance. Must remember that there is an antidote for every negative thought. It's going to be a good day.
Sorry about the dizzy spells, I remember a couple of years ago we had bad snow and my fitness improved significantly due to the shovelling!
It's just ironic that I felt 2 weeks off was gonna be a real challenge and now having battled through all the stages I'd love more time off. ( if I had more time off I'd do nothing, I have been so focused on following my lists of things to do I've not really had much relaxation time and it's good to feel confident I could have time with nothing on the Agenda and not gamble.
It's psychology as well because if we had just taken a couple of days off you could think great, 4 days off work but because it's 4 days at the end of a fortnight you think it's ONLY 4 days.
It's not the work as such I don't want to return to it's the contact with people. If I could have a job working on my own which paid the same I'd swap immediately! But that's dreaming and like you I do dream a lot, both daytime and when asleep and can remember sleeping dreams vividly the next day.
Thanks for the continued support and communication, much appreciated.
Hi Carla,
Sounds like your dizzy spells could be low blood sugar. Eat! 😉 Ive worked out that my dodgy eyesight and weird feelings about 2 to 3 hours after strenuous exercise is probably low blood sugar and the effects of dehydration. So eat and drink lady! 😉
Ive been listening to Pharrell Williams "happy" song obsessively in a last ditched attempt to stimulate the left side of my front cerebral cortex (or was it right ;-)... and today its actually worked. Am on a level for a while at least.
Keep facing your demons with head held high..as I do the same. Warm regards... S.A 🙂
If you can't dream what's left for us eh!
I always read even if I don't write, your support means a lot, I believe it is unconditional.
You know just about all the advice given on here, remind yourself but most important look after yourself.
I believe in you.
shame its not this easy- have had many dreams come true but as they say be careful what you wish for.
Your snow is sounding much harder work than our rain, think I might just curl up and hibernate if it was me, wouldn't need any food then either and set the alarm clock for a sunny day in spring.
Take care and thanks for popping by, much appreciated
xxx
Hi Carla,
popping by to thank you for your words..and apologise for making u think my madness was smthing to do with ur previous posts. It wasn't the case, yes..some diaries can affect me time to time, but I'm still learning to take the good out and leve harmful stuff behind 🙂
Recovery is bespoke, and I have to admit I need this site to help me to go through all the hurdles..Will be backing off with postings..( as you see today lol )..seriously, will try to be kinder to myself and approach my recovery in calmer manner.
I hope your shovelling coming to the close, really feel for you girl..as I said before, if I was neibhour next door I would be having shuvel in my hands 24/7 clearing ur 'territory' lol. ( seriously )
As of dreams..well scary one last night, with flying without wings lol...of course crashing to the ground and waking up...dreams like that can stay as dreams lol...( hate hights )
Take care hun,
Love, Sandra xx
((((((( Carla )))))))
...Applied for visa...might come over soon lol...if not next door..at least maybe you might find some place for me in ur basement :-)....rent on time!! 😉
Funny enough i have a opportunity to move to Canada through my work!!! How weird !!:-)
Will speak to u later girl, anytime u are ready...
Take a good care of urself
S xxxx
As always, brain is spinning but this time not only with thoughts. Partially self-diagnosed and partially from discussion with a medical professional, I have come to the conclusion that I have a form of vertigo. I am also convinced that this arose due to inactivity (read that this was possible). Much of the chaos of my life has been born of inactivity, though I’m not talking inactive brain waves. No more. Thanks so much for recent comments and support atk, SA, Sandra, Captain, Defeated, Dragonfly. I wish recent days were more like yours have been Captain. I have the opposite problem where I spend too much time avoiding things I should be doing by either sitting at this computer or laying on the sofa (when I’m not shovelling, that is). Then I constantly receive harsh mental whippings, self-inflicted of course…. An endless cycle of negative thought and/or worry…. No… to be fair, I do put some effort into positive thinking but I can’t seem to sustain it. I find it so difficult to focus on anything and that is one of my downfalls. I will come to this computer in the morning with the intention of quickly checking this site and a couple of others and the next thing I know, hours and hours have passed and I’ve accomplished far less than intended. I wasn’t always like this. I used to achieve so much and I want to become that way again. Some time ago, I wrote about how my addictions helped me. They did serve a purpose. They helped me avoid a lot of pain. I said I didn’t feel happy and I wasn’t convinced that things could get any better and if I managed to shed my addictions, then what? I felt my life had no purpose. I don’t feel exactly the same way anymore. I do feel my life MAY have and likely has some purpose… I’m just not sure what that is yet. I am open to the possibility that things could get better but I KNOW it won’t happen by accident. I am also now willing to engage in some hard work…. Finally. I may have said that before but it somehow does feel different this time. Sandra mentioned in a post that feeling of “you know…something is going to happen”. If I’m honest, in the past, I’ve known I was going to gamble again. Not anymore. I can say that I know I won’t but I feel differently. Maybe it’s that I’m starting to lose the feeling of wanting to? Yesterday was another S***e day but I realized how much influence I had over it. It started with the usual computer time, some productive but too much of it just passing time for the sake of passing time. Then a very negative phone call from my brother came. We have not spoken about my addictions (sis filled him in after I told her several months back). He himself an ex-alcoholic, reminded me of how bleak my situation is, particularly my financial situation. He also thought it was foolish of me to try to tackle all of my addictions at once. I know he meant well but he certainly wasn’t motivating me or cheering me on. Instead, I was feeling more and more fearful. I didn’t say much more than the occasional “uh-huh” and did hold the phone away from my ear a couple of times. Another birthday around the corner will make me 53 years old and yes, I am terrified of what lies ahead for me, not only financially but socially and health-wise too. I resisted grabbing a beer (no doob or money around to indulge in my other vices) and made my way to the sofa to try to block the nasty thoughts but instead I worried and sulked. As I lay there, water started dripping from my living room ceiling. Yup. Despite my best efforts to clear snow from the roof, I guess I just couldn’t get high enough. I’m just too scared to get right up there and I suppose I would be a fool to do so with this vertigo and all of the ice up there. I cursed myself some more because had I not become a gambler, I would have had plenty of money to hire someone to clear the snow….. Hell, at one time I had the money to replace the roof! By then, I really, really wanted to grab a beer but I came to this site instead. I then wrote a really long post only to have it vanish in cyberspace! It was then that I decided to…. Go to bed! And as I lay there, I remembered my commitment to become more positive. Yes, my brother was very negative and that elicited a fear reaction but I decided to believe this is a good thing. My future WILL be bleak if I don’t start ACTING to change that NOW. I have no more time to lose. Stopping gambling is the first thing I must do but that will only stop the bleed. It’s where I must start. I must also remember that I have the potential to increase my income in other ways, maybe even in ways I can’t see just yet. Things are starting to boom around these parts again. Who knows what could happen? As for the roof leaking, there wasn’t much water in the pail this morning so my effort to clear the snow wasn’t entirely in vain. Again…. Changing thoughts and changing actions is what I must focus on. I need to spend less time at the computer and more time acting on my goals (like the ironing sitting there for months now and clearing these chaotic rooms, etc). Forgive me if I don’t reply to posts or support as much but I know I will think of you guys. Please. And I’m going to try not to feel guilty about that. I’m not leaving the site but I need to start using my time differently. AND I’m going to ask whoever can remember and is willing to post to me toward the end of every month to remind me of the sick, sick feeling I get after I’ve gambled most or all of my pay away. I do feel proud of myself for some of what I’ve accomplished lately and that I didn’t grab a beer yesterday. I vow to continue practicing positive thoughts. I don’t know with 100% certainty that I will be successful but I know I won’t be if I don’t try. I do know I’m capable of a lot and that I’ve been my own worst enemy for a long time. It’s time to be my own best friend now.
WHAT WE THINK WE CREATE - This has certainly been true for the negative aspects of my life. I have created them . I am now going to turn that around. I am aware that this will take hard work and practice. I have created positive things in my life in the past and I will do so again.
WHAT WE FEEL WE ATTRACT - Yesterday I did manage to calm myself down after the various incidents of S***e happened. I think it’s about becoming more aware of our feelings and making an effort to control our reactions. I do believe our feelings can control us but if we use our thoughts in conjunction with the messages our feelings give us, the outcome can be so much better.
WHAT WE IMAGINE WE BECOME - In the past, I have had some very dark thoughts and at times they have come true. I remember having a dream very shortly after my dad died … a nightmare, really…. that he came back to life and told me he needed his money back (my inheritance) but I had spent it. I guess I made that happen. I could cite a number of other happenings which would support the statement “what we imagine we become”. What I will do now, is start imagining myself in positive ways. My problem is that I don’t have clarity on what I want to become. My purpose eludes me and fear of the future (due to my age) can creep in so easily. I don’t know what I want! But I suppose I can start with imagining myself as being worthy of love and happiness, being worthy of healthy relationships, being worthy of success.
Acceptance... need to keep working on that too. Nothing wrong with being a dreamer either, as long as those dreams have some kind of basis in reality... if one can ACT to make them true. I really need to start acting.
Carla
Thanks for dropping by my thread , I am pleased for you that you half taken stock if your own journey and are fully focused on your recovery. Knowledge is power and wonderful to see it being harnessed.
Those knee exercises for example !! For them thankyou.
My kid brother is due to fly home from Canada today, he has just enjoyed two amazing weeks there, I think he would emigrate if he could persuade his other half lol.
I look forward to reading your continued success.
It is there the gift that keeps giving.
Abstinence
Duncs stepping forward never back.
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