dazed one

Hi Carla

Sorry to read that things are not going great, hope they improve soon, best wishes.

Hi Carolyn

Happy Valentines, hugs and warm regards my friend.

Dark Place x

Nothing has changed because I have changed nothing! I bought a pack of smokes yesterday. I bought a little P**f too and am back to self-medicating every night. Sheesh. I seem to be very good at "blah... blah... blah 'ing " all kinds of advice but have changed nothing in my own life. I'm so tired of myself. Fingers are still completely numb and still don't even have my referral to a specialist. Crazy that when it does finally come through, it'll be another 3-4 month wait. Hmmmmm.... I guess it's getting to me. No gambling. Why? Only because I have nothing to gamble with.

Hey Carla,

Right....girl, hmm i am not too impressed with u dear fighter..ohh yea..you can afford f**s and P**f but keeping the rest of day to day essentials at bay..i am getting hard on you here..simply couse i care ok..

What is going on through ur head girl? U already defeating urself by saying u don't gamble couse u can't afford it...it is what it is girl..i just hope it will come to you what is more important in ur life..YOU are my friend, Only YOU can make changes..it is not easy, i haven't got many changes in my life either, but we all got this opportunity to do so..never too late to realize, never too late to go for it..

I sweared to myself to wean off this site....but here i am...come accross ur post..d**n girl...catch this hug and f*****g hold it tight, couse i believe in you, i might believe in u more than you believe in yourself...but you are not on your own ok..never !!!! (((((((( Carla ))))))))) xxxxx

Look after urself and stop that self medicating...simply..no good for u... xx u are in my thoughts..keep breathing...just keep believing darling...

Hi Carla,

I appreciate the honesty in your post. Sounds like you are in a bit of a downward spiral there. Wish there was something I could do or say but, you and I both know that it's all up to you. Just wanting you to know that I am by your side ( and from the sound of it Sandra is too) and willing you to push with all of your might onwards and upwards. C'mon girl we can do this. C'mon!! -joanxxx

Hey Carla..."nothing changes if nothing changes".. the number of times ive written that in my own diary beggars belief. Its gets frustrating doesn't it.

I think living on the edge becomes addictive too in its own way. Being in a perpetual state of semi-crisis stops having to look at the deeper issues... everything becomes about just getting by. I speak for myself anyway.

Your a survivor though.. you will cope. You have strength of character.

Are you doing any gentle stretching exercises to deal with that pinched nerve?? Get yourself free of that pain. Life feels better when pain goes away.

Anyway I appreciate your thoughts and support. Some of those 10 worst jobs, I'd actually do lol. Take care and keep posting... S.A 🙂

Hey Carla,

I feel so b itchy for my last post I am getting out of my sking here and had to come back... really worried about you girl, and would giv it all to take ur pain and worries away. You are strong lady, you are great person, and YOU know you can push through these stormy waters..we are here beside you, always b, you are never on your own..

Please try to get to that specialist about your fingers..it is so much better to b free of pain.

My thoughts are with you soldier

B kind to urself

S x

Thanks dear fellow CG's. Joan, how I wished "willing" things to change worked. I think maybe you hit the nail on the head, SA, in saying that "perpetual state of semi-crisis" does prevent us from digging deeper. And Sandra... you're just one worrying warrior, aren't you?!! As you've said to me, do not worry about me! Well, we certainly have that in common as I am still worried about Defeated and, of course, about Soul who just vanished while sounding like she was in crisis. Where are you guys? Yes, I do feel in a slump lately or rather, a deeper funk than usual. I'm pretty sure it's because of my lack of a sense of purpose....I identify with Sisyphus. It takes all of my energy to get up for work each morning. My "boulder" is the time I spend pushing through the work days and even the weekends, over and over, only to arrive at the first of the next month with a bank account drained almost as quickly as it was replenished. I'm sure we even have the sore arms in common.... though, Sisyphus would have been in better shape than me. Woe is me. Well, at least I've been eating. Yes, Sandra, I did cave in and buy a pack of smokes (and that's only my 3rd package since mid October) but I am still eating... only a lot more lentils and rice and less steak and lobster! Thankfully, I possess a degree of culinary expertise which allows me to get quite creative in the kitchen.... though, laziness has me eating a lot of cold boiled eggs for lunches. Went to the supermarket last night and decided to change things up for this week.... noodles! lol Actually, am very worried about this puppy I saw shortly before I was leaving for the store. It was a little German Shepherd pup, curled up in the cold on my back deck. When I opened the door, it jumped up and ran off but it looked wet, terrified and so in distress. I tried running after it but I had just gotten out of the shower and didn't last long in the minus 15 temp with no coat and wet hair. I came back home, grabbed my coat, car and some cheese and drove around looking for it but couldn't find him. Poor little thing... can't stop thinking of it. Sigh. Well, a day off work today so I will try to do something... anything... more than just what I absolutely have to get done.... maybe call the clinic to find out if any progress has been made on the referral to the specialist. S'all for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04_iXz-jo0g

Found out that I have to wait another 3 months before I even get an appointment with a specialist. God knows how long I will have to wait after that to actually get in. Sigh. Very agitated at work today. Insane expectations. And also hate that I show my stress. I don't think others are as conscientious as me ... maybe? Or maybe it's because I went to a lower dose of the antidepressants this past week. Just so agitated. Bought smokes too. Disappointed in myself.

(((( Carla ))))

Don't be disappointed in urself,, we do blow the lid now and again...I can b right dragon at work then pressure builds up...start singing to myself lol, does help, but think ppl thinks I'm a bit tapped in a head lol,, which I am, but hey ho, better smile than keep spitting fire lol

Can't you get somewhere private to c the specialist?...but I suppose it's money again...my thoughts are with you girl, keep calm and carry on, look after urself...

Smokes?? f*** it!! Better than f*****g devil den...oh, I'm swearing again...sorry girl,, fire extinguished lol..take care

Sandra x

Thanks... will reply to you later Sandra. Helluva week for me. Lots of weekend work looming too. Feel like I'm losing my mind. May write more later..... or not.

Am feeling triggered by a lot of things I’m reading… not ‘triggered’ to gamble as that is a continual state for me, it seems, but triggered emotionally. Often I don’t write anymore because I fear peoples’ judgements even with the anonymity this site provides. I have often surmised what the common factor in all of us must be which drives us to gamble and have come up with nothing concrete. I can’t even provide evidence that every single person here is ‘running away’ from something or other , though that does seem very common. At first the self centered part of me thought we must all be lonely (as is the case for me and a number of folks I see posting here). But then I could see that many folks who have seemingly full lives get sucked into the gambling vortex too. The only thing that does make sense to me is that gambling is not about the money. It can’t be for any person who gambles for a length of time can see that gambling causes quite the opposite… a loss of money, not to mention a loss, or perhaps further erosion, of self-esteem. I scare myself because I want to gamble and I know that even though going to gamble is as advisable as eating chicken that’s been sitting on the counter for a month, I will do it again. I know it’s bad for me. I know it will leave me feeling sick. And I know I will do it again. Is it because I like it? Well, the adrenaline rush is sure fun when winning but who could enjoy that sickening feeling that comes with losing, and especially when you’ve sunk as low into this addiction as some of us have? And I know I can’t win because I can’t stop. I’ve shown that each and every time I have gambled. But gambling does serve a purpose. I don’t like myself and I don’t like my life. Gambling helps me escape myself and my life, even if only for a very short while every month when I get paid. And when there is no money to gamble, I have a little P**f which seems to put me right to sleep and I can escape that way. Yet, we’re all responsible for creating our lives. I can’t say I don’t have hope that things will change but I keep doing it, I suppose, because I don’t have the energy, or maybe the personality, or maybe the skill to change my life. Or maybe it’s just my genes? Or maybe it’s the depressive state I’ve lived in for so long? Or maybe it’s my other addictions interfering? Or maybe it’s become a complex interaction between the gambling, alcohol and pot that they’ve all got their hooks into each other inside me that no matter how hard I push or pull, they’ll never untangle? I have tried to change myself to no avail. Yes, I know things can change but they won’t unless it magically happens because I don’t seem to have the patience and/or the fortitude to stick with the efforts I make. Yes… a depressing post… and I do know that on another day I might write a fair bit much more encouraging and inspirational than what I’ve written today. Sigh. I think maybe lowering the dose of my antidepressants is influencing my stinkin’thinkin’! Hopefully, I will be able to pull myself out of this funk soon. Feel guilty for not offering more support to the newbies and others lately but just don’t have the energy. Sorry.

Hi Carla,

Really relate to your feelings.i can hardly make an entry myself sometimes. I know i keep telling others to take away what is helpful and leave the rest behind..i seem to struggle to separate the two myself...

Responsibility for creating the future can b dounting..never seems to b enough trying, and always requires that little push extra..can be tiring, can b annoying..but nothing changes if nothing changes. I am not the one to tell you to find that strenght in urself to push that little further..i know you have it in you..we all have...it's just the timing to realise it..can b a week, month, year or more...but it comes to us eventually. So far we can run from ourselves..even that can get tiring and we need to sit down and look around.if its grim picture, it can b changed...if it's not too bad - it can get better..never give up giving up..keep trying and trying until you fully pleased with the balance you find..it is there Carla, balance is there and you will find it. Don't push urself,don't question yourself...just sit down and look around girl..

Sorry for the story..i admit i am not with this world today, just thought i do relate to a lot of ur feels..there is no blame here, no attacks, no shouting or swearing, no judging or nagging....just pure understanding of fellow fighter. First step - try to start liking urself..the rest will follow..you are worth it.

Stay safe

(((( Carla ))))

S xxx

Hi Carla,

As with Sandra I relate to your feelings. I am very similar. Essentially I am lonely and depressed though I drift in and out of denial with these feelings. As you say gambling serves a purpose. For me pressing the buttons and all that came with it took just enough concentration not to have to think or feel anything real. But at the back of my mind I always new what was coming when I stopped the act of gambling (personal misery and other assorted s**t feelings) so I'd keep going until all funds gone in order to delay those feeling for as long as possible.

Now the thing is, although I have not gambled for some time I still do other things to escape myself and enter that trance like state... so in many ways I feel no further forward than the date of my last gamble. I abstain but I don't feel in recovery. That's not to say that its all doom and gloom as not gambling means that my bank account doesn't go into free fall but psychologically I don't feel further forward.. though perhaps I am but I just don't realise it.

Sorry that my post to you is not full of positivity but I just wanted to say that I understand (as far as one human being can understand another human being) what you say. I don't have any answers other than to carry on carrying on. Take each day as it comes and see what happens. Change often feels glacially slow to me and I get impatient but as the saying goes... good things come to those who wait... something like that anyway.

Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Yo,

So related to that post .

I gambled to escape , my s hitty ,life , my over active thought processes,

I waited for that change to come, during my 5 years in recovery . ( since fell a few times) but it did not .

Because I was not in recovery , just not gambling or drinking my life was just as s hitty . No one came and waved a magic wand .

In the end I relised that I needed to do it myself and did, it was an eighteen month long stint which saw me change almost everything in my life except my job( that maybe my goal)

But it took me to get up I realise that I mattered just as much as the next person and deserved to be happy .,that I think was the hardest thing

Looks like I have hijacked your thread ( opppps)think what I am trying to say, is I felt there was no hope in anything changing , but it did , where there is a will there is a way .

Shiny xxxx