dazed one

You have had it so tough recently.

You’re a good person with a problem, keep that in mind.

Sorry I haven’t supported you.

if you need me.

Thanks folks... yes, the biggest slump I've been in yet but still trying to claw my way out. Finally trying to return some of the support I've received from this wonderful community but will have to wait before posting on more diaries... This place can really stimulate my thinking sometimes as it has today.... reading DP's diary and then commenting on SA's diary, I had a sudden epiphany. I think a big part of my problem is that I've stopped growing.... As gambling took root in my life (and I have to say the pot smoking too), it sucked all of my time, energy, curiosity, etc. and I've hardly read a magazine in years, let alone a book. For many years, I was always taking lessons of some sort or another... music, dance or other fitness, languages, and even stage makeup, though, that was an eternity ago. I have become a shell of who I used to be. Instead of being excited about life and reaching goals, I can barely look anyone in the eye anymore.... no self-esteem and I think it's because I've stopped growing. Have in mind to try something today but won't tell in case I don't follow through!

Hi Carolyn

Really pleased to read your thoughts tonight, its a massive step forward realising what gambling has stolen from you. I take strength from it and use it, treat yourself to a good read and chill out and relax ! life is a roller coaster when your gambling, you deserve to break its cycle. i am always here for you my dear friend, keep well , i sleep now.

Dark Place x

Thanks for the post Carla. I really hope you can build your confidence and get moving with daily productive things. I'm sure you have learned a lot from being on here and through other recovery means and it will all click together for you soon.

My dark tunnel of recovery has been running since 2008 as you know and a lot of the time it was two steps forward one back but I have got there. You can too. I feel strongly that the recovery period starts when you admit a problem and start addressing it and it's not just about the period of abstinence. We can all learn a lot about ourselves and our problem areas and our addiction during recovery even when we are still gambling when we don't intend to or when we have relapses.

You have had a lot to deal with, a big challenge, but you will get stronger and reach your goal.

Hi Carolyn

It was strange but last night i was trying to sleep and lots of thoughts going through my mind and then it dawned on me ! those terrible moments when we seem to have no control over ourselves during gambling fests, it is a form of posession ! closest we can be when we are not in contol of our thoughts or bodies ! actualy terrifying to realise it !

I have some good news for you, i have not written a song for a long time but i have decided to change that, i am working on a new song ! i will put the lyrics on here once it is finished. I hope you dont mind, its called "Carla" about you and this site ! lets see if i have retained any of my gift that the devil has worked very hard to take away from me 🙂

Have a great day, Dark Place /

We can change our thoughts and that can change our feelings. I have to get better at appreciating what I have and seeing the beauty and love that surrounds me. I think for the first time ever, I noticed how much the long, dark days of winter affected me. The days are finally getting longer and temps have finally risen above zero. Soon, gardening season will be here. I must not gamble so that I have the money to buy my beautiful flowers and veggie seeds. Happy Spring everyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pc3W4fsJc8

So relate to what you say about the long dark nights and looking forward to the beautiful flowers and trees emerging, beauty and love just hidden from view for a time as in life.

I find in a low mood my energy dissipates so good to plan my garden and energise ready to plant and reap the benefits in so many different ways.

xxx

Hi Carla,

Thanks for dropping by and for your warm words of support. I really appreciate the affirmation regarding folks who have passed making contact. My partner has actually seen spirit and believe me, to know her she is not someone who goes around talking about these things. lol. I am the one more inclined to embellish around this sort of thing. P is a woman of few words and it takes a lot of coaxing to get her to tell me about these things. Anyway, don't want to hijack your diary. Thanks again! -joanxxx

Hiya,

"We can change our thoughts and that can change our feelings"...u said it here urself girl..

Keep moving on, no looking back, no more pain and self destruction. ..you, as me or every single one on here CAN DO IT...slow but certain steps forward.

Be kind to yourself and stay safe.

Take care

S x

Hi Carla... I understand what you mean about personal growth and losing ones curiosity in life and the willingness to try new things or return to things that one use to do that brought a sense of accomplishment and esteem and didn't empty the bank account.

Although I haven't gambled for a while I am still fairly stuck in my habits and routines that tend to isolate me, some of which have a self-destructive element so in that sense I am still on my addiction roundabout. Having said that I am aware of where I am at so I am still here doing what I need to do to stop myself gambling.

Am glad that you are getting through your financial crisis. I have been in your shoes. It can get worse but it doesn't have to. When I eventually arrived at a place where no more bailouts were forth coming I entered a whole new world of horribleness. This doesn't have to be you. Keep posting. Warm regards... S.A

Hey Carla,

Thanx for the vid, it was good t laugh 🙂

Just a little calming one here...really love the tune :-)))

http://youtu.be/UFh7J5onpMM

Take care and have a good day

S x

Thank you, Sandra. Feeling an ongoing weariness... or is it dread for month's end? Did a bit of yardwork yesterday after work and it felt alright. Sun was shining. Needed to get out there. Rain in the forecast today so I won't be able to continue. At least I got started! Work looms.

Hi Carla,

Really good to see you posting and even better to read that sun is shining for you. (Ok..maybe not every day, but it's better than tons of snow 🙂 )

Take it easy, stay kind to yourself. End of the month will come and pass, nothing to panic about nothing to worry. You got it in yourself girl, u really have..a little more belief, more motivation and peace in yourself and The rest will fall back into places pretty quick. You are no1 and never forget that.

Take care and stay safe

S x

Hi Carla

Happy Easter, not finished my master piece yet, its coming soon. Hope your ok, Dark Place

Thanks, dear fellow fighters. Happy Easter everyone. Still fighting urges here, not helped by the snow suppressing my gardening urges to be replaced by the other, less healthy ones. All in all, doing ok. Starting to warm up and the massive blast of snow is melting again but this is how I felt when I saw the white stuff coming down again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoYrxmxFnio