Carla -obviously we are all in different places at this time but I'd take one day at a time one bill at a time. Try and put something in place to stop any more access to cash,speak to yr lenders before they try to contact you. Worst thing would to have a bailiff knocking on yr door and you can stop this. Get the blocks put in place. I maxed my cards up! Rather than just paying the interest off on them ask about turning what you owe into a loan. They did it for me rather than risk not gettin it back! Id pop to the bank and ask Monday also get the cards cut up! Good luck and remember its an illness we've got! Chin up and speak soon.
I've been thinking about self-excluding. I've done that before a couple of times but that was quite a few years ago. It didn't work at all as I would still go in to casinos and nobody called me on it. It might be different this time, though, as maybe now they know me better? And if I do this and let the bank know, maybe they'll believe I'm serious when I say I will tackle this. I'm not sure if they'll be willing to work with me as I've really maxed out my credit already. I do have two small investments which don't mature until the end of the year but maybe they'll let me cash them in early to put toward my immediate debts. If the bank cooperates, I can make my payments this month and then if I stay away from gambling, I'll be able to make my payments next month and the month after. It'll be very lean times and I will stay have to rely on one of my credit cards for food (a credit card which gives me no cash advances, only purchases) but I can pick up some extra work in the summer and slowly move beyond minimum interest only payments then. Anyway... that's my plan I'll present to them and pray they go for it. I've been spending a little time these days trying to get "spiritual"... spent a little time outside yesterday enjoying the sunshine which I haven't done in a long while. I also have started listening to some meditation tapes and writing a bit. It's hard to get "in the zone" as my mind is never still but I'll keep practicing. I think I've spent so much time over the past few years numbing myself with gambling, drinking and pot that my brain has a hard time focusing now. But I will keep at it. I'm determined to beat this. My day is starting now and I will make it a productive one. I can't remember the last time I vacuumed! Blessings to everyone.
Hi Carla
Thanks for popping by on my diary. I write solely for myself so please don't take my way as the way forward. I battled with alcohol many years ago and do believe I could now take a drink and leave it. However I like my life so much that I have nothing to gain from trying this out. So I live with the fact I am a non drinker.
Hope you hang around for a long time here and inspire others to kick this habit.
Take care
Hi Carla,
Just read through some of your diary, which tells a very emotional story. I wish you all the very best for the future and hope you find the strength to conquer your demons.
Tomso.
Carla common gis a post chuck n
Very important you share yr problems! Any joy with the banks ect! Keep strong we can do this!
So... no vacuuming done. Yesterday, I made the decision to self-exclude from the casinos in town. Good grief! Why does it have to be so difficult? I suppose I should have asked someone to go with me. I decided that since it was my "last hurrah", I would take $100 to gamble with.... yes, $100 from credit meant to pay off other credit. I immediately lost it and took out another $200. I ended up there for several hours and actually did win quite a lot. I then approached the front desk to exclude myself when I was given the run around. They didn't even know the process. I finally found someone who knew and was told that I would have to come back on Tuesday when the appropriate person would be there. I tried to call that person (as I was given contact info) and had to leave a message. I have a meeting late in the day Tuesday and won't get away from work and I'm doubtful that the person who supposedly can help me will still be there when I can go. I find this all very ridiculous. I feel quite humiliated having to self-exclude in the first place so when I was sent on a wild goose chase having to ask several people how to do it, it really annoyed me. Yes, I did win a fair bit yesterday and yes, was strong enough to leave with a fair bit of cash and yes, the winnings alleviate some of my immediate debt stress but somehow it doesn't feel good. It was another "roller coaster" experience and I'm disappointed that I chose to throw in that money I couldn't afford in the first place. AND I"M STILL NOT EXCLUDED. Won't give up. The guy didn't call me back but I have his email and will ask how I do this once and for all! Tired and cranky today. Didn't get enough sleep. Scared I'll have to enter the casino again and I have no control!!
There appears to be no end to my self-inflicted punishment. As soon as I make the slightest bit of progress, I self-sabotage. Haven't been here in a long time. I finally managed to self-exclude myself back in mid April 2012. I felt good about not gambling and managed to stay out of the demon's den until mid July.... 3 months! I can't really say I didn't gamble during that time. I played scratch tickets instead but that form of gambling cost me less than the stupid snot machines. But then the "sneaking in" accelerated and I've been going to this one casino quite regularly. So much for self exculsion. I'm really worried about the physical toll this is all taking on me. I'm sure my cortisol level is constantly elevated to hundreds of times what it should be. I've read in a couple of peoples' posts references to actual heart attacks from this stress and that's exactly where I'm heading, I think. The constant stress is manifesting itself everwhere in my body with almost every muscle cramping or knotting regularly. I don't talk to anyone at all about my stress and find myself withdrawing from almost everything in life. When I think of what I've done, my biggest fear is disappointing my brother, sister and closest friends. They're all I have and I seem to be pushing them away. I'm tired of the broken promises I make to myself. I'm tired of having to "hear" the same thoughts go around and around in my head. I'm just so tired and very afraid. I've already lost virtually all the equity in my house which was entirely paid off and now I constantly imagine myself losing everyone I care about, my job, and ending up homeless and on the street. I'm so weak. Today, I decided I would start my day by giving up coffee and I couldn't even do that. God help me. I'm having some dear ones over for dinner tonight (will have to get groceries on credit) and I will smile and act like nothing is wrong. If I am unable to do that, I will blame my agitation on a sore back or something. I am living a lie and it's so hard but I must carry on. I hope others are having greater success than I am. Today, I will try to breathe through the stress. I have nothing to gamble with, so I know I won't be doing that. Sigh.
Hang in there.... you can do it. You're making progress.
Hi Carla
Thanks for the kind words on my diary.
Yes you are right, it is harder to stop gambling when friends are but if we have a poroblem then we must.
Stay strong
Shaun
I just keep s******g up... I don't feel like there is any hope for me. Why do I only come here when I feel so low?
Hey Carla,
The fact that you keep coming back to seek help is great, so don't feel down about it. There's always hope and everyone here will welcome you back with open arms. Maybe you just need to work on a few things in relapse prevention for yourself. I hope you keep working at it, you can do it. Have a very nice Easter.
Chicagoguy
Thanks, Chicagoguy, but I'm afraid I just keep doing the wrong things. I come here after I've screwed up royally instead of coming for support regularly. As stated before, I'm sick of myself. Don't know how I'm going to get myself out of this one. I've managed to pay the bills for this month with nothing left for food and almost no credit left. I'll survive this month but won't have an income for Sept and won't be able to pay my bills. For the first time, I'll have to ask someone to lend me money but don't know who I'll ask and I anticipate that whoever it is, will say no. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear!
Hi Carla,
Reading some of your posts reminded me of what my sister said to me when I turned 40. She said "nothing much has changed since you turned 30". I understood what she meant. Same behaviours going round in a big circle.
Its like I'd spent a decade and more gambling until I got into trouble, then stopping for a while (due to no money and debts) then gambling until I got into trouble and then stopping for a while (due to no money and debts) and then starting up again and so on and so on and so on...
The only solution for me is to stop and stay stopped, one day at a time only. It is not easy but I keep working at it. I hope you reach the same conclusion. You will get through your current financial problems. Life gets better when we don't gamble. ... all the best.. S.A
Hi Carla,
I have to agree with SA, they say the first sign of madness is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.
Now is the time you have to break that cycle and change , I understand how impossible and difficult that will sound to you right now as I to have been there, but there is hope and your financial position will improve over time.
You have to let go of the losses and try and sit down and put together a financial plan, pay what you need to to live and maybe speak to a debt managment company, quite a few people on here recomend, step change, there service is free.
All just ideas for you to think about, Use your diary as much as you can and read other peoples you will relate to lots of things .
Just for today i will not gamble and tomorrow you get to choose again.
best wishes in your recovery
take care
blondie x
Thanks, S.A and Blondie00. I've been spending time reading through my diary and a few others. I am not happy with myself at all. It's tiring hearing myself make the same promises over and over only to break them. This morning I told my sister everything. She was off to work but spent an hour on the phone with me. I asked her to lend me money (which she herself would have to get on credit) and she is going to talk to her husband and think about it. IF they do decide to lend me money (which would allow me to keep my house instead of have it repossessed), I know there will be strings attached. They will tell me I have to go to rehab. I think I'm ready to do that. I hate myself but I do feel some relief that I told someone the extent of my problem. Thanks to all who've posted their support. I wish I could be more supportive of others but it's all I can do to type this for myself.
Affected by gambling?
Looking for support?
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.