Dear Diary....

Hi Scarlett and Mr b, just a very quick but massive thank you for your replies very tired now after no sleep last nite so will be back tomorrow to post to you very supportive people Thank you

'Night, night Spaingone. See you in the morning. x

Hiya Joanna, thanks for yet more kind words on my diary. Thought I would have a read of this having read your post about Spaingone in the challenge.

My thoughts are that you have passed a huge test Spaingone! You slipped up, but you came back on here. That is such a tough thing to do. Other members of the 2014 challenge have just disappeared, more than likely back to their old gambling lives. Its incredibly brave and honest of you to come back here. I personally dread to think what I would do if I slipped up. I fear I would be too ashamed to come back here and I would just slip back into my old way of life as a total loser! So you have done incredibly well to come on here looking for help. Try to learn from the slip, think what led to you slipping up. Try and get more barriers in place to prevent you gambling. And start from day one again and this time you will make it to 100. Something inside us makes us want to gamble, but something inside you has brought you back here. You can beat this, stick with the people on here who can advise you and who care about you and you WILL beat this!

Hi Phil - Many thanks for dropping by and for your support too. I hope Spaingone takes comfort from your wise words and knows now that he's in the field hospital getting some TLC from his fellow-soldiers.

How are you feeling this morning Spaingone?

Hi Joanna, thanks for asking - I have crawled into work as I have every day when I have been suffering after massive losses, right now I can't put into words (of any coherence) why I do/have done this again, where the future goes, I will but I am too raw at the moment to express correctly what I feel. I guess as it is always at the start of the re-alisation you cannot win long-term, feelings are :- life is worthless, self-loathing, stupidity, am I insane? etc etc. So how are you to-day? I need to do some work now, before the boss notices something is up. As time goes on I will tell my story properly. P

Hi Spaingone - The good thing is that you have got out today and gone to work, however hard it was for you. You could have buried yourself under the duvet, but you didn't. We say 'one day at a time' but perhaps with the pain you are feeling at present it should be 'one hour at a time' - every hour that passes without gambling is a good hour.

You are not insane - like many of us have found, you just have to stop picking at that gambling scab and let the wound heal. And that means letting your mind heal, without the self-loathing you are feeling now. Instead of telling yourself you are worthless, use those thoughts to really get to the bottom of why you gamble. 'Know thyself' is not a bad place to start!

But as you say, you are feeling raw at the moment, so take it easy and gather your strength.

Joanna

Hi Spaingone - me again. I've just read the following post from NoCrisis on the Challenge thread and thought it might resonate with you.

I'm sure he wouldn't mind my repeating it:

"As for most important factor (forgive me this may turn in to a bit of a ramble) in giving up, I think it has been my acceptance of my weakness. I do not deny the importance of physical barriers. I have self excluded from every online casino and bookie that I have ever heard of and I purchased blocking software for my laptop. I have often considered telling someone in the real world and can see how handing over financial control would help but have never felt comfortable with the probable repercussions. I would warn anyone considering recovery in secret that it makes a difficult task significantly more of a struggle; if there is someone you can reach out to I would thoroughly recommend doing so. There have been days where I have thought hang the repercussions I need help but, in my circumstances, that would be selfish and shortsighted.

So, gambling as a weakness. For a long time, I would attempt recovery by telling myself to pull my together. I am well educated, sensible and the sort of person you might come to for financial guidance. I would tell myself there was no rational reason for blowing a fortune, 100 could be my budget for an afternoon out gambling and I could use my powers of logic and reason to beat it this time. Of course I couldn't. No compulsive gambler could. Hundred became hundreds became thousands and the cycle of quit, cover up, relapse would begin again. The best step in my recovery was admitting that I cannot control my gambling. It is a weakness as fundamental as my ability to see distances without glasses or breathe underwater. It doesn't make me sick or stupid and it is something I can work with. I cannot control my gambling but I can control the way I live to manage my weakness. When I am swimming I want to go deep under water; I wear scuba gear. When I want to play tennis and see the ball coming, I wear contacts. When I feel isolated, I want to gamble; I use Gamcare, the challenge and my blocks. We have more control than we might think on darker days."

Hope this is of some comfort/help.

J x

Hi Joanna, many thanks for your amazing support, it does really help, right now I can't spend too much time replying to threads because the words are not coming easily. However I need to get my full and long story out, so maybe tomorrow I will restart my diary again. Now I just need peace and quiet so thanks again for your brilliant support x speak tomorrow x P

Understood - sleep well.

Morning Joanna, hope you slept well, I noticed you found my thread/diary the other day, I intend to start to post on it from today, if the words will come and the tears will stop. I don't think me continually using your diary to post is particular fair on you. Stay with me though I need your thoughts and words - P.

Will nip over and have a look for you elsewhere then Spaingone. Sorry for the delay in replying - have had to be a fire-breathing dragon for most of the day, chasing my two and a half year-old granddaughter 'princess'round the garden; feeling a bit smoke-damaged tonight......

Still with you - all the way.

Joanna

Day 117 of sanity. It's hard to believe that I am now looking at nearly four months free of my online slot madness. I now have peace of mind, and money in the bank... :o)

A message to others still at base camp or in the foothills: the view from the top is amazing - keep going! (Note to self: still watch where you are going - high places can be dangerous!)

Hi. Just read through your diary and just wanted to say well done for reaching almost four months, that's amazing.

Gives me hope I can do the same, only on day 4 so still early days for me.

Best wishes

Andy

Hi Joanna, just wanted to say well done, not gone to my diary yet, now I know my gambling has crumbled my life, I can't face putting lengthy sentences about how I feel into a screen again. Have to face my partner (tonight) we only see each other at week-ends and on holidays, when I tell her I don't want to place a deposit on a holiday for 2015 will she guess I have been gambling again (just wasn't able to accept losing my life's savings to gambling-kept chasing those losses) if so it will be over for good this time - If I tell her I will face a future of lonliness- this situation is so sad, so hard to bear, wish I had never set foot in those bookies in 2008. Speak on Monday - P

Thank you Andy, and good wishes to you for the journey. Four days may not seem a long time to you, but it's a helluva stretch for a CG used to losing money every day. So well done, and keep going!

Spaingone - I wish I could make things better for you and will be thinking of you tonight. Who knows how your partner will react? She must see that you have at least tried very hard (and succeeded for 100 days) to give up, and how wretched you are feeling now. Her heart might just melt..... However if it is the end of the relationship then who knows what happiness the future may hold for you? Perhaps eventually as a stronger, wiser person you will be able to forge a new

and more sustainable relationship. I know you have a son and will be concerned about his reaction, but if you can beat this thing once and for all you will be able to look him in the eyes as he grows up and will have earned his respect.

But of course at the moment I know these are just words which will not ease your pain. Just try to see a tiny speck of light at the end of that long dark tunnel.

Thinking of you.

Joanna