Deep breath and start again

Hi Annie , great to see you still winning Honey and enjoying life , sorry to hear your not feeling that great and I hope nothing too serious , although your proberbly right about the ice cream ? .

Keep doing what your doing Annie , coz it's working !

Love and best wishes ............Alan x

Hi all, day 139 for me. Been up since 4.30am - feeling shiote. I have a condition which has left me with chronic pain, 24 hours a day and this year will be my 21st anniversary since it started. Life really could not be any better, apart from this feckker which blights it. I didn't work for over 14 years because of my condition but now I have the most fantastic job which is a pleasure to do and it keeps me moving, or I would probably never leave the house and lie in bed a lot, feeling sorry for myself.

I'm not posting this for sympathy, as I am a frim believer that we all have our battles and this (along with gambling) is mine. However, over the past few months as I explore my addiction I have come to the conclusion that the main factor, for me, was escapism. I think, mainly from pain, but also in the past when things have become tough. If you have read through my diary you will see that when I was younger my Uncle had a pub and used to give me coins to play the fruit machine; we used to go to seaside resorts for holidays and quite a bit of time was spent in the arcardes; these were happy times. When I started playing online slots I, like many others, had a couple of big wins and these made me happy too as I cashed them in! Not long after this I started a Uni course and it was the first time I had studied in over 20 years, it was hugely stressful and it was then I became immersed in online gambling. I wouldn't play for a while then if my husband and I had a huge fall out I'd get back on the slots. If I had a particularly bad flare up of my pain I would get online and anaesthetise myself with the hypnotic slots. So, for me, gambling had been a release, a diversion, escapism from the real world and all the physical and emotional pain it can bring.

After this time of not gambling the world hasn't changed; I still have pain, my husband and I sometimes argue, I'm still bl00dy-well studying but I can deal with these problems with a clear mind and face them head on.....I do not run away because they are not going anywhere and even if I spent all the money in the world gambling, when it was done the problems would still be there.

I'm sure there are many on here who have to face their own problems, whatever they may be, and have realised, or are beginning to realise that a spin of a fruit machine, a bet on the horses (or whatever your gambling poison may be) will never change the problems going on in your world. But, with strength, determination and support we can change and face these problems head on without the need to gamble.

Refelction is a great tool as we can only learn from our mistakes if we know what got us there in the first place. I'm still reflecting, still learning and it's good to remember that every day is a school day. Take care friends and best wishes on your journey. xxxx

Well, I've had a bit of a rough time and as a result found myself on the slots again. I have Gamblock on my laptop and K9 on my tablet but unfortunatley K9 did not block a site which sent me an online invite...the usual big deposit bonus 🙁 Anyway that was a few weeks ago and, luckily I came to my senses after a couple of days and not a lot of money spent.

After months of being GF I thought I'd be ok with my own bank card however, clearly that is not an option for me at them moment. Therefore the card has been chopped up and the only access I have to cash is our joint account which is regularly checked by my husband.

I do not feel like a failure, I just feel a bit disappointed that I managed to abstain for so long and let myself believe that I was in control. A compulsive gambler and control are not words that are ever destined to be in the same sentence!!

But, onwards and upwards. I have dusted myself down and put measures in place to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Best wishes to all on this fecker of a road; it's long and arduous one but, hopefully we can support each other on the twists and turns, slow starts and dead stops and achieve a gamble free life.

Aw Annie I'm gutted to read this. Sounds like you know what's going wrong though...chin up and go again.

Damo x

Thanks Damo, thats very kind of you to post. you're right I know what's gone on and I'm taking the measures to prevent another blip or complete melt down - I do not know if I could cope with another few years like I have in the past. My chin is firmly up xx

I hope everyone is doing well on their journey and, if like me, you have a wee fall off the wagon please remember it is not the end of the world, or the road of recovery. It is a well travelled road and many of us have taken the long way round but we're still here, working hard to live a gamble free life and not be a slave to a machine/bookies/casino/online gambling or whatever your poison may be. Take care all and best wishes on your recovery xx

Hey lovely Annie...
Sorry youve had a wee slip ...but hey. ..it could happen to any of us..
Least you put the brakes on and headed back here...you know what's got to be done...you know you can do it....so deep breath...and carry on girlie...xx

Thanks Loxxie, I refuse to let this blip define me. I am happy that I managed to reign myself in before any real damage was done. Thanks so much for your continued support xxx

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Welcome back Annie. Take care and glory glory to the hibees!!!!!.

Now get that championship won and come and join the Saintees x

Glory glory indeed Balv, my friend. Hope you are well and smashing those days.

Finally the day came last week when I started paying off my debt through StepChange. I feel relieved that the plan is now up and running and I'm counting the months until it's completed...35 now! The only access to cash I have is through our joint account and knowing that my husband would see any gambling debits is enough to keep me from straying from the path. I could not let him down again; I will NOT let him down again...nor me.

It really is an eye-opener when I look at the amount of money leaving my account to pay off my reckless abandonment of real life and finances. I must admit I feel nauseous when I realise what I could be doing with that money - getting the house sorted, having nicer holidays, more nights out. However, I still have the love of my family and that means the world to me. Three years is not too long to wait for the benefits of my income.

Take care all and best wishes in your recoveries xx

Evening annie. Good to see everything is starting to fall into place. I'm still stalking by the way
X

A

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it's great to see you on track Annie xxxx hope you're well.

Annie great to see you going strong again....however I'm a little disappointed if what balvaird says is true and you are a Hibs fan :).

Seriously though keep up the good work. I know how it feels to have large debt looming in the background. At least it's going down rather than up these days.

Damo

Thanks for the comments, friends.

Deano, thought I sw the curtain twitch 😉 Damo, I'm afraid we all have our crosses to bear..GGTTH 🙂 Cheers Pinky, great to see you're doing good xx and, finally anon ad, A to you too!

The debt has been a huge stress for me and, although Step Change have been great with support and advice, it has taken since February to get this payment plan up and running. I do feel relieved that it is one less thing to worry about and that can only be good.

Back on track indeed; no thoughts of gambling at all. I'm working and still sleeping loads but don't feel I need to keep busy to jeep my mind off online slots.

On a positive note; my recent 'blip' happened when I found a webiste which K9 did not block and gave me the opportunity to briefly make the wrong choice. I requested self exclusion but instead was sent a whopping bonus. It took 2 more requests, and in the final request I basically pointed out that they were vultures feeding on the weakness of others, before they closed my account. Well, I reported them to K9 and it has now blocked the site and it's related sister sites - job done! I feel good about this as hopefully it will prevent another CG from heading down the wrong path.

Take care all and best wishes in your recoveries xx

annie67 on day 67! I have managed to save money and buy myself a lovely outfit for a night out with old friends. During the periods I have been gambling, I would never buy anything as nice as every penny was a prisoner to the slots. I can't wait to go out next week in my fab outfit which I bought because i liked it - and I could.

Best wishes friends, hope your journey is going smooth xx