Deep breath and start again

Hi Annie, Self care is so important. For me I need to replenish my vital energy which is lost in emotions and those emotions send me out to gamble. It's a cycle for me and I am at 27 days today. I hear that you feel you are in a different place than earlier in the year. I have found that even though I've slipped up and relapsed with binge gambling from time to time and was only fooling myself as I spent any extra money I earned to get a head plus 5000 dollars of my saving over the last year, yes, even though I've lost I've still won because I am here and I am wanting odaat for myself. Keep posting annie. Would be good to hear some details about your new life as it evolves from this odaat recovery. Happy Holidays. T2

Day 15. Very productive day, long walk with dog. Deep clean in 3 rooms - seriously dirty floors which have been neglected for months, steamed, waxed, polished. I'm now sitting in my shiny livingroom and feeling quite proud of myself. Before my commitment to recovery I would have lay in bed this morning playing slots, got up and mulled around beofre popping laptop on my knee and pretending to my family I was working on something for work. Later on I would go for a 'lie down' and continue to dig myself deeper in debt and despair. I am so glad not to be in that situation now. Odaat, and no going back this time.

Health and happiness to all xx

Day 16 and really chuffed with myself. Did an extra shift today which always helps the finances. Still exhausted, but things will get better Im sure.

Best wishes to all in their recoveries x

Well done annie,

You deserve to be chuffed with yourself lol, 16 days of abstaining is great going, and with positivity:))

Keep strong

Suzanne xxx

A bit of a strange evening. Still feeling shattered and couldn't be bother doing anything, didn't feel the need to gamble as I feel quite strong at the moment. But am I?

As I lie here in my bed, I'm more than sure if I didn't have gamblock I would have thought '£20 wouldn't be so bad'. I feel installing blocking software had been the best step ever. Even though I am nearly 50 if hate getting told off, it makes me cry. I am seriously faint hearted and have never been in trouble, not even with my parents. When I first told my husband about the debt I'd got into he laughed as he thought I was joking - he could not believe I could be sneaky and deceitful. He was really shocked when I told him the extent of my addiction and said he would believe it from anyone but me. I now have Gamblock and it's like Big Brother watching me (well I think it's more like protecting me)

I have access to 2 other laptops at home but will not touch them as they belong to my daughter and husband. When my laptop was being fixed earlier in the year my daughter said 'Mum, only dodgy people browse privately and clear their history' so, in fear of being labelled 'dodgy' I have stuck to my own device!

Tonight I have worked my way through some diaries and have felt as if I have been in a safe place. I love the fact that fellow CG's are so open and honest with their experiences and see myself mirrored in some experiences and I am sure this is the same for many of us. I am so glad I am here and will continue to post to my diary. Thanks if you have stopped by. I have not posted on lots of other diaries, other than to thank the poster, as I do not feel I can give words of wisdom at the moment. What I can give is my experiences and my support and best wishes to all on the road to recovery.

I have yapped so much I'm now on day 17-- yeah, go me!!

Hi annie , just picked up on your thread and yeah , Go you !! , well done on day 17 .

Best wishes ..................ALAN

Well done Annie

I have been reading your diaries and you have given me a reason to try to STOP my addiction to gambling. Its funny reading as it like listening to my life...not now but at the beginning, the feeling you had towards the gambling anf why you did it. I know those feelings too well. Keep going sweety Im following your diary as its giving me insparation and strengh.

Dotty x

Well done annie,

,feeling shattered is part of the recovery process, especially in the early weeks, :)) you are doing just fine.

By taking one day at a time with everything, we can actually win every day,

Keep strong and really believe in recovery, because it is possible if we really want it ;))

Suzanne xxx

Way to go annie on day 17 ... must be day 18 or 19 by now. Thanks or sharing. Together we are all strong as we read and share our experiences strength and hope. T2

Thanks for the comments you lovely lot. Isn't it strange that we have never met and over a fairly short space of time I feel as if I am chatting with a bunch of considerate and supportive friends....I like that.

Day 18, still tired and sleeping a bit during the day when not working but onwards and upwards I have not gambled or even had a wish to. It's strange how certain things have reminded me of my manic days of chasing loss after loss; today i had an itchy right hand and this is a sign of money coming my way according to my lovely Mum. When I was in the grip of my addiction an itchy hand would be enough for me to grab my laptop because, surely a win was on the cards...bloody ridiculous but too bloody true!! What a strange world to live in for so long, it's a relief to be in the real world now.

Dean, it's quite amazing to think on Christmas day we will have the gift of not gambling for one month and although not tangible it certainly will be the biggest gift we have ever given ourselves. Remember I'm right behind you, chasing your tail, lol xx

Tara you are doing great, keep up the good work xx

Suzanne, thanks for your words of wisdom and you are definitely right about the tiredness - it's evident from lots of diaries i have read. Take care xx

Dotty, you are in the right place for support. I would urge you to keep reading those diaries and writing your own..you are never alone here xx oh, and drop your phone down the lavvy and get a brick with no internet connection!!

Hi annie , just popped by to say thank's for the post earlier , your grannie was right saying you reap what you so , it's very true as i have learned to my cost !. Funny my old mum used to say the the one about the palm of your hand itching , one meant giving it away and the other was receiving money , never could remember which way round it was ? , didn't seem to matter to me , which ever hand I would give money to the bookie with , he always ended up keeping it ! , I wish mum had warned me about that one too !!. LoL !.

Keep on doing what your doing , coz it works ! x

Shoot, is that where I was going wrong all those years...I always jump up & down with glee when my left hand itches must be that's the giving away hand :-0 Have you ever stood under a flock of birds waiting for that gift from heaven? That sent me racing so fast to throw my money away that I wasn't even embarrassed who saw me with sticky greeny brown goo in my hair 🙁

So lovely to be in the real world with you my cyber friend! Keep working through your tiredness & I'm gonna pass on a little tip, keep hydrated! I hate water (bleugh) but my mate Ginge insisted I give it a shot & although it wasn't the miracle cure I was hoping for, I'm a lot less listless these days!

Day nineteen, how fantastic! I'm busy keepiing myself busy but managing to spend some time on my laptop without any urge to waste my precious time and money on an unfulfilling and destructive habit. I have done a huge clear out at home - loads of clothes etc which are not needed, some toys which need new owners; it just goes to show that clearing my head has lifted the mist around me and I can see what is important to me now. Got a nice paycheque tomorrow so should chip away at my mountainous debt, but as long as I can manage payments just now and in the New Year I will consider my options.

Onwards and upwards and best wishes to all xx

Hi ya, yep, I'm like a bad penny popping up all over the place to stick my shnoz in 🙂 It's been a huge part of my recovery...Not paying it forwards exactly as I'm not an expert but hopefully letting people know that I care enough to post!

You are doing fab & I'm sure those new owners will be absolutely chuffed 🙂 I know Big Brother is there 'watching you' & keeping you safe but I still want to say be extra vigilant tomorrow, Mr Gamble is a sneaky bleep & he will be watching what you do with your pay check & trying to figure out how to get his grubby mitts on it!

OAU as we say - ODAAT

Well done Amnie keep up the good work the tiredness will ease in time keep doing what hat your doing and as ODAAT says just be carful with payday you can get the bagging voice £20 won't make a difference but it will. Looking forward to reading you next update take care