Degenerate XIII

Day 18

I had a few opportunities to just watch a bit of racing but managed to abstain. Also, a few excuses to gamble as others let me down. I did not feel sorry for myself and have a bet.

Day 23

No word about my temporary contract. I was assured I would have heard some news today. Been told the same thing for past 4 weeks. Rather annoyed and feel like I should be allowed to gamble to make me feel better. Stupid, I will feel worse and have a greater financial problem.

I might hear something 2mo. Good or bad I need to be sensible and stay away from bookmakers.

Day 28

I got the expected bad news 4 days ago. Been feeling sorry for myself since.

Feeling awful today. No good reason to feel worse today than previous days. Quite tempted to gamble but blocks are in place. I was close to applying for a loan to the company I just paid off about a week ago. I guess cos I need funds to gamble, I was telling myself it was to refinance debt as I will need some cash while out of work. I regret paying too much towards debts. 

I know I should be more positive. I might get another job soon. Meh. 

Netline is too busy. 4 out of 5 times I have tried Netline in the past month and I have been bounced. 

Day 29 (by 8 mins)

Wide awake and alarm set to go off at 5am. I will be lucky to get a few hours sleep.

Day 30

Yawn. Left house without cards yesterday so was easy not to gamble. Very tempted to gamble away the very little I have remaining.

I will need to be stronger as I will need my card as I need to do a little travelling for work today.

Day 32

I gambled. I was weak. Something so small and insignificant put me in a bad mood for a few minutes and I was straight off to the bookies. I made a few bets and they were all hopeless from the off.  Fortunately, I had little money compared with previous relapses. Last payday next week, I will need to be strong. 

No excuses, I am weak. I slept very well last night and had a good start to the day.

No more diaries till I at least hit the 100 day mark. I need to stop f***g up my life.

Hi Deg,

I am still debating if slips should be viewed as moment of weakness. Weak is just not the word...not sure what the word is but deffo not "weak". 

We tend to react to situations. You sound similar to me. I still fail to take the step back when needed and dive in in self destruction mode no matter what addiction is at hand.

Assertiveness is very important. It's about understanding oneself and how we view ourselves in this "rat race" of life. Journey is never ending and most importantly there is so much to learn about ourselves and world around us. To be fair, I believe that's why I keep sticking to life.....the never ending opportunity to develop and learn gives me hope in educating myself better.

I have gambled recently too so not much wise words from me...but what I will say....Never give up on giving up! If diary helps you, keep posting...even if only a line a day. Support is out there even if sometimes this feels the loneliest place in the world...someone somewhere may take take for food for thought and may change their ways only by reading the words of others...your words...you're wise and it's showing strengh sharing your journey with us all.

Wish you well..be kind to you...day at a time.

S&B xx

Thanks S&B, I appreciate you taking time to post on my diary. Sorry, for the late response.

I dont know, I still feel like I am weak when I have very bad days. It is almost inevitable I will gamble and/or chase my losses. I gambled again recently, glad I didnt create Degenerate 14 diary with about 2 days documented.

Anyway, I am feeling better about things now. I think because the bad news is behind me and its time to focus on my next job. Getting the bad news was not as bad as worrying about getting bad news.

Head down/Head up.  I'll explain.

Head down and go again my friend. Hard work lies ahead.

The process isn't always perfect, but working out what went wrong and what you could do differently next time is helpful.  You know all of this and you know it takes time.  

Head up. Be proud that you noticed and admitted to a relapse.  Don't dwell. You can do this Degen