Desperate need of help

We're in the same boat mate. If we all help each other and paddle together we'll get where we need to get to faster.

I will keep posting, I know I need support to beat this.

It’s now been 3 days since I last gambled. And talking about things on here is making my mind feel a bit clearer, like I have a new strength to beat this b@stard.

Good. You're not alone of course. You should also try GA meetings mate. You'll get a lot of talking and listening done there. And come away with strength, people who have your back and wisdom.

I’ve found a local one. I’m scared of opening up to people who understand. I don’t think I could handle people being nice.

Broke down in the meeting with my employer. All my problems came out. I felt sick and relief at the same time.

They want to look into things and tell me next steps on Tuesday. It’s a huge worry, but at least things are out in the open.

I’ve spoken to my GP again, they’ve discussed that I may have personality disorder.

Horrible times. I hate being me.

You get to a point where you stop falling Judge because you can't go any further down and at this point you start climbing up :))

Your begining to lay it all bare and be more honest than youve been for many years , your employer can't find things out later if youve already been honest and got there first , you can't see it yet but the truth sets you free my friend and things will improve given time .

I wish you well :))

Hi Judge 1982, been reading your posts for the last week and have been keen to comment but haven't been able to log in for the last week.
Do you not feel a relief now work knows and the problem is now out in the open? It's the first step for recovery, I know I felt so relieved for my wife to know and confided in a friend also. The next step now is too tell your wife and you will be fully transparent and can move forward even further with recovery. I myself am now a month without gambling, and feel day by day I am moving forward with my life. As signalman said we're all here to help eachother.

Thanks both. Yes, starting to open up does help momentarily.

I’ve been researching personality disorder and it’s all so true. Erratic behaviour, unstable/volatile relationships, anxiety, depression, paranoia, extremism.

I don’t know whether the gambling causes your mind to lose control, or vice versa.

Two things mate... Firstly I'm real sorry to hear that you broke down with employer... Not a nice situation to be in. Heart goes out to you. But think of it this way... When someone lifts the world cup at the end of it what do they do? When a parent has their first child in the delivery suite what do they invariably do? Break down mate... Coz they're so ******* happy. Maybe that's what your body and mind did in that meeting with the employer because it was pure euphoria to finally unburden yourself of some of the load. If you choose to tell your wife about what's been going on you may be able to unburden yourself of some more, which is only a good thing... I know you are **** scared she'll leave you but the facts are mate... As I said unburdening is only a good thing. Plus she may not leave you anyway so don't lose hope in telling her.

Secondly your last point about mind control and gambling... Could it be a chicken and egg scenario? Or is it subjective? Does it really matter? To put it simply... If you never gamble again one day at a time for the rest of your life won't your mind be in a better place for the rest of your life?

Keep going mate. You're doing amazing.

Thanks, signal-you’re right.

The mixed emotions are what tipped me over the edge. Guilty at being ill, sad at letting my employer down, happy that I had the strength to say the words, worried about what my future holds.

The mental issue thing really scares me. I’ve researched it more and it’s sonething that possibly needs ongoing treatment for a lifetime. I’m scared that if my emotions get more messed up, that the condition could lead me down a darker path.

Such a f*****g messed up place.

Update.

Wife knows and justifiably went nuts. I told her she’d be better off without me and we should end it. She wants me to put everything into sorting the debt, all my energy. Not so understanding about the addiction, just P****d at all the lies. It’ll take ages to fix this, but I’ll do what I can.

I lost my job, gross misconduct. It was a bit messed up as they weren’t too caring in the end, but I can’t really argue.

Wife now has full control of everything, I’ve got a couple second interviews, and am booked for counselling and mental health assessments next week.

Been wondering a lot about you during this down time.

So sorry you had to lose your job over this. Pick up whatever pieces you have left of yourself and start putting yourself back together. Keep things simple for now man... One day at a time and all that.

Your wife knows now and that's the beginning of the fixing phase... No more lies or deceit. Its out in the open now and all the s**t feelings youve been experiencing will find it harder to thrive now you're liberated. The fog will lift slowly now but don't be fooled that there is joy and grandeur once it lifts. You got a long road ahead of you mate.

I'm so happy she didn't leave you. Be the best husband you can be from now on right? And I know what youre thinking but hey, money doesn't come into it really... I said be the best husband you can be right? Compassion, openness, honesty, reliability, love, consistency, dedication, respect... Work with those.

Your slowly starting to fix things. So the fight back has begun. Do you feel better or worse knowing that she knows everything now?

Also you should really try a GA meeting. I think you would find it most beneficial. Good luck.

I feel better as there’s not the constant sinking feeling of lying to her whenever we speak, but I also feel worse as now she thinks so little of me.

I’m attending a GA meeting on Monday night.

Even though I’m excluded from all gambling sites, there’s a devil on my shoulder saying I can get it all back. Luckily I can fight the little b*****d now.

Sorry about the job. Part of it will be that they won't want to set a precedent that others might try to exploit further down the line. Second interviews are a very good sign. Hopefully your previous employers will stick to a neutral reference.

re your wife - don't expect her to understand. Mr L has never been able to explain it adequately to me and I've accepted it's never going to happen. He gets his understanding from GA.

The lies are a very big thing for us f&f. The money is gutting but the feeling of being taken for a mug is right up there alongside. Don't ask or expect her to trust you for a very long time if ever. I've only just been able to bring myself to put a limited amount into savings Mr L could potentially access but it's in accounts I look at regularly. He'll never have unscrutinised access to the bank accounts again.